Family Magazine

The REAL Real Housewives

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
So I've been spending a lot of useful time uselessly watching the various "Real Housewives of...." series'.  It's my drug of choice when it's too early in the day to indulge in vodka or wine.

The REAL Real Housewives

Love me some "reality" TV - albeit a little unrealistic reality for most of us

After much viewing, I've made a few astute observations :Firstly and foremostly : What exactly about these women warrants the use of the words REAL and HOUSEWIFE in the same sentence?

Granted, they are semi-real (75% real 25% plastic - of the surgery variety).
They are indeed semi-housewives (they are wives, they live in house-castles).

But, that's about where it ends - on a general scale of generalisations.I consider myself to be a REAL HOUSEWIFE.

The REAL Real Housewives

I can't quite put my finger on it, but there are some definite differences between the Hollywood version of a Real Housewife and my version of a REAL Real Housewife....

Please note : I did not say a REAL GOOD HOUSEWIFE.

I don't have a chauffeur, I do all of my own dodgy and distracted road-rageish driving.  In a second-hand station wagon.  With multiple child-induced food stains on the interior, and a number of 'near miss' scrapes on the exterior.  It's not a shiny, flashy, impressive parental pimpmobile.  It's never been washed more than a few times (and only when #1 Hubby gets sprung washing his work car, and I therefore demand he also spray the hose over the car in which his beloved children are ferried around).
I don't have a walk-in-robe the size of a small island nation.  In fact, I don't even have a house-castle.  To compare the walk-in-robes of the alleged Real Housewives to my own abode : my kids' bedrooms aren't even as big as their closets.  And I have 2 kids sharing one of those rooms (gasp...shock horror...etc etc).
I don't call on an army of professionals every time I'm going to step foot out the door.  There is no hairdresser, make up artist, or personal stylist - none of that.  For those of you who know me, I realize this will come as a mega shock, as I always appear so polished and stylised - what with my semi-afro frizzball hair and standard issue uniform of ill-fitting jeans and white  stained to grey  Tshirts.
I am 100% real.  Of zero plastic content.  No, really - this largish nose is my own.  These Mummy boobs you see  if you direct your attention downwards  are all mine.  But I am one trillion percent open to the plastic if anyone wants to offer it up philanthropic style.
I don't have a cleaner.  Another glaringly obvious point if you'd ever been to my place.
My kids don't spend their days with a Nanny.  Unless you count the plastic Ronald McDonald in the Macca's playground.  He does most of the grunt work on the parenting front when I'm in residence at Macca's, as I'm busy hogging the free newspapers and Wifi while mainlining the cheap caffeine.  It is not unusual to find my kids sitting next to him having deep and touching heart-to-heart type discussions  that they probably should be having with me.
My kids don't drink from crystal glassware.  Actually, neither do I.  For the same reason I wouldn't allow my 2yr olds to.  Although, to be fair, they are already showing signs of co-ordination far superior to my own.
Also - and I apologize sincerely to my family for this one - I do all the cooking in my household.  There is no chef, no expensive order-in service, no regular trips to fancy shmancy restaurants.  And I'm not apologising to my family because I'm a poor cook.  I'm actually quite good at it, really.  Only, not since the invention of the interverse have I been able to maintain concentration on cooking a meal for long enough to have it find its way to the table;
a) properly cooked and not singed/burnt/cremated as I wander off to check my Twitter orFacebook while the food simmers  boils out of control.
b) with all components on the plate and not forgotten in a pot or the oven
c) hot.  All dishes.  At the same time.  It's generally a 'pick one item and hope for the best' situation, since the death of our beloved microwave (RIP) and my idiotic stance on trying to live without one of the world's greatest ever inventions.
And most importantly, I am almost always seen in possession of one, two, or all three of my children.  For real.  And when I say in possession - I do not mean walking 10 paces ahead, with a Nanny in tow lugging my kids or pushing the pram.
I admit, I may sound a tad bitter.  But I'm really not.  I'm actually just a Real Envious Housewife.

The REAL Real Housewives

Amen sister!

You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Real Carbonara

    Real Carbonara

    Again, another frugal food recipe. Last week we were looking for things to cook for tea which were quick, filling and still cheap. Read more

    By  Eatouteatin
  • Real Nice & Cubiq

    Real Nice Cubiq

    Bristol-based Real Nice have been hard at work. In the space of the last two weeks, they have put out their "Thunder in Paradise" mix along with a great new son... Read more

    By  Pelski
  • John Daly The Real Tiger

    John Daly Real Tiger

    Sherrie Daly is one of John Daly's ex wifes to be exact it is his fourth ex wife. most of what has came out on tiger woods recenlty would have to be somewhat... Read more

    By  Mixtapekid45
  • I’m Being Real!

    Being Real!

    Good morning friends! How’s the day treating you? I’m sad to day it but this is our weather forecast today…Yep that pretty much kills Spring Break. Luckily, I’v... Read more

    By  Marensmorsels
  • A Real Wedding: Oh So Peaceful Until…

    Nothing conveys the atmosphere of a wedding day more than a little music, and that’s why I love watching wedding films. This one’s a special treat though, as... Read more

    By  Claire
  • Happy Together – a Real Winter Wedding

    Happy Together Real Winter Wedding

    Steaming mugs of tea for the bride and groomI love this wedding from photographer Sam Clayton and I’m delighted to be sharing these photographs of Sarah and... Read more

    By  Claire
  • The Real Truth About Regular Exercisers

    Real Truth About Regular Exercisers

    I think there’s a misconception out there in regards to how people who don’t exercise regularly think people who do exercise regularly feel about exercising. ... Read more

    By  Jenny Evans