Whatsamatta for you? How ’bout yous buy a watch?
There ain’t enough booze on the island to cover this one.
Yeah. What she said. Hit me again. Hard.
Both hands where we can see ‘em, Mister.
I think I finally figured it out after all these years of waiting for the Cable Guy to show up.
After multiple afternoons sitting around (…gasp!…) reading a book while cussing out the dude for never being on time to reboot the whatchamacallit on my cable box so I could finally watch something besides Spanish Home Shopping, I think I know what the problem was all along.
The Cable Guy runs on Kim Time.
Now it all makes sense.
Kim Time is based on getting your lazy butt out of bed when you want, leaving the house when you want and finally getting your lazy butt to your destination when you want.
And we were lucky enough to witness the phenomenon in all its glory as The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills all got some quality time sitting around waiting for Kim to show up.
This week the Wives and some random Real Husbands were still in Hawaii, trying to relax and decompress from the pressures of…well…just being Beverly Hills Housewives.
With both “Hawaii” and “Beverly Hills” in the same sentence, I’m finding it a little difficult to feel sorry for their hectic lifestyle, but I’ll go along with the whole concept to save some time in the end.
I’m sure it’s not easy having to shlep all the way to Hawaii on Bravo’s dime, what with all the packing involved and remembering to kiss all your kids and your sissy dog goodbye on the lips. Yet somehow they managed to pull themselves together and make it to the Islands in one piece.
Adrienne and Paul even managed to get in a romantic walk around the Island without someone getting shoved off a cliff. They are definitely more fun when Paul is poking her in the eye with his finger or unleashing his patented sixth grade humor on his wife until she cracks…but it was nice to see them go a few minutes without someone getting underwear pulled up over their head. They might actually like each other.
A day late, Kim and her new boy toy Ken finally show up. Nice you could join us, kids.
They had both missed multiple planes for multiple reasons unknown, and immediately scooted right into their hotel suite upon arrival without even a quick aloha to their friends. Naturally the suite was conveniently located next to sister Kyle’s room which gave her the opportunity to try and eavesdrop.
Let’s just say that right before dinner is probably not the time I would want to try and over hear Kim blowing a conch shell, if you know what I mean. But if you’re going to do it, any good Frat brother will tell you to use a beer glass on the wall…not just your ear.
Der.
As Kim and Ken don their Walmart Hawaiian shirts they discuss whether boy or girl ducks are better looking, but in all honesty their attire was so fugly that I forgot what Ken said. If you’re dying to know I’m sure you can Google it or wait for Alex Trebek to tell you the answer for $100.
In Beverly Hills you are not allowed to go to dinner without some serious primping, and just because you are in Hawaii doesn’t mean you can slack on your skills. It took Lisa and her Dog Walker/Husband Ken a long time to get ready for dinner, mainly because Ken was picking at his Rod Stewart hair instead of putting his shoes on. After watching him for awhile I started to wonder if maybe he was just picking out stray Giggy fuzz, because I swear that little sissy dog is either in his arms or on his head every time you see them together.
Since there are now too many Kens on this show, I’m going to begin referring to him as Rod for clarity and ease of reading, at least for a week or two until the novelty wears off.
After everyone is dressed and de-fuzzed, they meet for dinner and immediately address why Kim and Magnum P.I. missed their flights. (Seriously…go back and check out his shirt. Only Ken could find a store that sells blue collar Hawaiian shirts. He should be a personal shopper at Nordstrom’s with that eye for fashion.)
Turns out he had to work, according to Kim, which was odd considering he is retired as of the last employment update. Kyle got all scrunchy with her nose, and Mauricio kept badgering them until Ken claimed he has to work one day a week.
I don’t know what job that would be, because I remember from years of college retail that even Mall Cops have to put in at least two nights and one weekend day. So right away that’s a red flag.
To break the tension a little Mauricio gave a Mexican language lesson as he toasted himself on his birthday, and then said some other stuff that I didn’t understand because I’ll never be able to afford the full Rosetta Stone Program. Someone said that Ken’s story was Bulls***.
That was in English. I got that one.
Kim gets defensive and claims there is nothing to explain. Nothing to ‘fess up to, even thought she has been late or no-showed to pretty much every event this season. Usually it is due to power failures, sleeping late or alien spaceship abductions in The Land of Kim…but suddenly she won’t even come up with another ridiculously implausible story. And I was counting on another good Time & Space Continuum excuse.
Bummer.
Kyle cries a little like she does every time Kim is in her orbit. Mauricio feels that they should just tell the truth, and quit f***ing up his birthday. That was the gist of it anyway.
The next morning Kyle had chartered a catamaran so everyone could go out on the water and either deep sea dive or gawk at Brandi’s micro butt strip of a bikini. Even with those enticing options, Kim and Ken were late again to no one’s surprise.
Lisa and Kyle stormed back to their suite to get them out of bed. As they scaled over the dividing wall between the two balconies, Lisa got her British scones stuck in the cement opening.
When your butt can’t get through a dividing wall passageway, it’s either time to lay off the Villa Blanca appetizers or quit snooping on the neighbors, Missy.
Luckily they managed to wake up the happy couple without having to witness any Ken on Kim action. Kim’s excuses ran the gamut from no clock to no alarm was set to the clock didn’t work to no wake up call and then no working phone in the room.
Yeah. She didn’t even notice for the first few days that the phone didn’t work. For real.
Good thing Ken didn’t have to call in to his one day a week job on that day.
Giving up, Kyle pushed Lisa’s fat butt back through the secret passageway like a pink Indiana Jones and they all went off to sea, leaving Kim and Ken behind.
While the rest of the Housewives were out on the ocean filming what looked like a bit for the Hawaiian Department of Tourism & Breast Augmentation, Kim and Ken had a quiet lunch of self pity and word slurring. If those two were back in the dorms you would swear they had post-party munchies as they rambled on and on….and on…like stoners from the ‘hood. How they (…allegedly, Bravo..gah…) got that many sedatives in a 3 ounce TSA bottle is beyond comprehension.
After a sunny afternoon of watching Camille’s bikini top push the limits of network censorship while Brandi hit up the ship’s captain, it was back to the Island for dinner before the poor guy threw himself overboard.
At dinner you could cut the tension with the same knife Kim uses for Brie cheese, if she could only remember whether she liked it or not. Seriously. She and Ken use up more oxygen on the most insignificant pieces of mental trivia. It’s just cheese. Move on. And either wear your pashmina or take it off. Quit futzing with it. I mean it.
Kyle asks them what they did all day after blowing off the catamaran and the whole thing goes down hill from there.
Kim feels that Kyle is being an eggbeater by constantly stirring things up.
Her words, not mine.
Kyle thinks that Kim is being a 9 x 13 loaf pan full of fruitcake.
My words. Sounded funnier in my head.
Kim says lots of people miss flights, it’s not important and everything happens for a reason.
Adrienne slams back a few to make it go away.
Lisa and Rod Stewart just sit there missing Giggy.
The rest of the meal turns into a discussion on accountability and respect and whether or not Kyle drives while talking on her cellphone. Kim never claimed to have “focus” on her resume.
Brandi calls Kim out for her actions, then Ken finally takes his hands out from under the table and announces that “they don’t care.”
Dead silence. Like in the cartoons when everyone’s eyeballs bug out, or the commercial where the snacks are so good that everyone stops talking for a minute.
Kim and Ken don’t care. Oh snap.
They are also not very good at making entrances and exits as Kim untangles herself from her pashmina knot and they leave the room in a huff. Someone should tell Ken that if you are making a soap opera exit you don’t stop and shake the hand of the dude next to you. Kind of ruins the momentum.
Brandi was the most level headed one at the table. I swear.
Maybe there was a tear in the Time & Space Continuum after all.
At least the Kim Time one.
