No…you’re crazier. No…you’re crazier.
Let’s just call it a tie. And yes, that is sissy dog hair on my jacket. Thanks for asking, you crazy NutWad.
I’m thinking it’s safe to assume that someone at Bravo TV has a corporate membership card to Costco or Sam’s Club, because when the interns went shopping this week for some Beverly Hills Crazy they only bought the industrial size containers.
It must have taken them at least two trips to the Bravo van to get all the family size Nutella out of the store for this week’s episode. Whether your money comes from uprooting NBA teams, messy divorces, your husband’s wallet or residuals from a childhood movie career that’s gone South, buying in bulk really pays off. And the money that Bravo saved allowed them to sneak in some over the top Beverly Hills Fab cameo appearances and still come in under budget. The crazy is oversized, and so is the recap, so get some snacks…
The fun picked up where we left off last week as Adrienne and her sixth grade prankster husband Paul continued to poke each other with sticks while they waited for Kim to get her lazy butt to the airport.
After apparently spending all the Sacramento Kings ticket profits on her movie set home and those Christmas glitter hair extension strings, Adrienne is trying to decide if she should pack up the Kings and move them to LA for bigger digs and mo’ money.
Since the woman can’t seem to make franchise decisions any quicker than she can pick out shoes for an event, nobody knows if tonight’s game is the swan song for the team.
Last minute much, Adrienne?
Everyone is worried that this is either going to be a fan blood bath, with Adrienne being pummeled by those giant purple foam fingers or a publicity nightmare…or both. And everyone knows that when you are flying blindly into the unknown it’s always important that you bring along some moral support.
Or, if the moral support didn’t get your text, a crazy aging former child actress whose mental stability is constantly called into question will do.
Can someone get Kim on the phone?
Now you’re caught up.
So Kim is running late, because she lost power at her house. When they get her on the line, Paul stops giving Adrienne head noogies and Indian sunburns long enough to mention that Kim sounds intoxicated. Not only is Paul the King of Spousal Irritation, he is also pretty observant even though the fact that Kim rambled on like a junior high film strip narrator on a loop was probably a pretty good clue.
When Kim finally makes it onto the plane, she is a big hot mess and appeared to have stuck her head out the limo window like a Cockerspaniel for the entire ride to the airport.
Kim also apparently never stopped the phone conversation even after Adrienne had hung up because she was still going on about the power failure and her story was that it was so dark in her house that she couldn’t see to put on her make up and do her hair and she debated going next door to the neighbors to ask if she could plug in her hair dryer but she didn’t really know them that well but she was late and there was no power and she knew that Adrienne was waiting and she didn’t want to be late even though she was already late because there was a power failure and she couldn’t do her hair and didn’t recognize Adrienne when she called her on her cell phone and it was dark.
If you think reading a paragraph with no punctuation is difficult, try listening to it. Seriously.
And as a side note…there was bright sunlight streaming in through all the airplane windows, so I’m thinking that the whole thing was less a power failure, and more Kim forgetting to open her eyes when she woke up from her (alleged) booze induced power nap.
Keep re-reading that above paragraph for 30 more minutes over and over and you’ve got a pretty good idea how the flight was to Sacramento. Bodyguard Johnnie could barely focus on his Nintendo DSL or whatever he was dinking around with the whole time.
Our second bulk purchase of crazy was delivered to Kyle’s house. Having just moved in, and being no where close to unpacked, Kyle figured that this was a great time to put on a benefit Silent Auction extravaganza for The Lollipop Theater Network to help little kids with cancer. A great cause, but when your house looks like a cross between HGTV’s Dream Home and A&E’s Hoarders it might not be the best time to send out invites.
Before all the envelopes are even licked Kyle is starting to crack, and since her Party Checklist is buried somewhere in that room full of boxes she waits until the last minute for pretty much every aspect of the gala. Kyle has developed one of those nervous laugh explosions that come out of nowhere, hits you in the face and then immediately disappears whenever she gets cornered or uncomfortable. For real. Watch for it.
Meanwhile, Lisa and her puppy carrying husband Ken are looking to expand their restaurant into the big open space next door. Somehow between last week and this week Lisa has managed to bully Ken into going along with her fantasy project because he is now suddenly giving the whole thing a big thumbs up. With the hand that is not holding sissy dog Jiggy in his robin’s egg baby blue onesie, of course. That hand. If he had a third hand it would probably be on the barrel of a shot gun. But don’t get me started on that one.
Crazy #3 gets served when Taylor drops by Kyle’s to check on the hoarding and the party planning. And then it gets good.
Seems that Taylor found an article in the press about her failing marriage to Russell Armstrong. She couldn’t have been looking very hard if she only found one, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. The article is full of juicy scoop about her marriage that only someone privy to the Inner Circle would have access to…cue soap opera organ music. Can you say Spy? Is someone leaking her dirt to the press? Is someone talking about her on the internet? Are more people reading my blog than I thought? Was it me all along? What have I done?
In an odd moment Taylor swears it can’t be anyone in her camp, because everyone that is involved with her has a confidentiality agreement. Everyone.
Good luck with that, honey. See that camera over there? By that big pile of boxes? And the one by the other big pile of boxes? Newsflash. You’re on Bravo TV.
Bottom line, she thinks that Lisa is the mole. The leak. The snitch. Uh oh, spaghetti O’s.
The Sacramento Kings game was just what you would expect. Crazed fans. Hottie Cheerleaders that want to be called Dancers. Adrienne getting ballsy and leaving the safety of the fancy viewing box to hang with the common people in one last show of solidarity before she rips their team and their jobs away from them. The only thing really unexpected was Kim somehow thinking the whole thing was for her benefit as she waved to the crowd and up at the Jumbotron like she was just released from an overseas prison. Between her non stop chatter about chocolate and the fear of NBA snipers on the roof I was half expecting Adrienne to stick a couple of corn dogs in Kim’s pockets and shove her into the crowd like feeding time at the Lion cage.
At the very last minute someone in the production booth must have realized that they completely forgot to put Camille into this episode because they suddenly spliced in a scene where we got to watch her shop for a wetsuit and surf board. Riveting television. Edward R. Murrow would be proud. So proud.
Finally we get the motherlode of crazy dropped off at Kyle’s charity benefit. Everything is last minute. Everything is late. There’s a broken lollipop on the ground. Kyle is wearing horizontal stripes. Nothing is going right. She is afraid that no one is going to show up, but luckily a ton of people want to be on Bravo TV so the joint is jumping by the end.
Lisa stops playing with her bangs and pushing her boobs in everyone’s face long enough to corner Taylor and get all English schoolmarm on her about Taylor’s very obvious ongoing weight loss. Lisa is concerned about Taylor’s looks. Taylor is concerned that Lisa is wired with a TMZ mic. They go back and forth and the whole thing convinces Taylor even more that Lisa is spreading dirt to the press. Even though Lisa almost proudly admits that they are not friends, she is concerned and would love Taylor to hide out in Casa de Vanderpump far away from her husband. The World’s strangest invite to a sleep over. Ever.
Taylor needs more proof before she goes all Housewives of New Jersey on Lisa, so she speaks with one of Kyle’s guests, Hollywood Publicist Elliot Mintz.
Pixar needs to make a movie on this guy. Immediately.
Holding his wine glass by the very base of the stem, Elliot goes into his best Dr. Evil impression, and through pretty much every catch phrase from every mystery movie ever made, schools Taylor in how to hunt down her enemy. Between long dramatic sips of his champagne he discusses killing the head of the snake amongst other cinematic gems all while demonstrating the best evil villain glass holding technique I’ve ever seen.
I am totally practicing that at Dunkin Donuts tomorrow morning.
To finish off the party with a big bang of crazy, and to set us up for some quality Bravo girl fights next week, in walks…or hobbles, at least…Brandi Glanville.
Who? Yup. Another quasi-housewife. A new one! Not big enough to get her picture on the opening credits yet, or her face on anything in the online Bravo store, but a force to be reckoned with. Brandi’s claim to fame is that she used to be married to the pretty guy who dumped her for LeAnn Rimes.
And…umm…yeah, that pretty much covers it.
That, and the fact that she fell off her high heel shoes and is now on crutches. And that she is crazy. And that during her one on one confessional shots she is wearing a Mad Max Thunderdome kind of bustier that looks like it still has the hanger inside it. Now that covers it.
Oh…and she knows Lisa’s ex-boy toy Cedric.
Let the games begin. I’m going to need another Costco run before next week.
