Now I’m hardly what you would call a gourmet chef. Probably not even close, since my expertise in the kitchen doesn’t really go much further than making a slit in plastic to let the steam escape on every meal. But if there was nuclear fallout and I really needed to stay inside and whip something up I probably could.
So you know when you are cooking something and it’s not coming out right, but you don’t have time to start over so you just keep dumping stuff in the pot until it tastes better? When you just panic and double up on all the ingredients and keep your fingers crossed?
I think those were the directions in this season’s recipe for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Still reeling from the whole Russell Armstrong tragedy, the chefs at Bravo needed to think quick.
Keep adding more crazy until it tastes better and doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth.
There was so much new crazy dropping into the pot this week that you almost forgot what a mess they have been trying to clean up for the last few months.
Kyle and Taylor head over to have lunch with the newest second string Housewife, Dana Wilkey. She’s a friend of Taylor’s. And it shows. Crazy loves more crazy.
Dana must have Over The Top And Proud embroidered on some velvet pillow somewhere in that sprawling mansion of hers, because girlfriend likes to over do everything from try-on wedding dresses to cup size. She is getting married to some investment banker who doesn’t know any better next year, at some rented castle in Transylvania or Italy or somewhere. I got distracted by all the sparkling woman stuff poking out of her dress and missed some of the details. Some days I am thankful for not jumping on that 3D TV fad so quickly. That would have hurt.
Upon entering Dana’s casa, Kyle and Taylor are greeted by a giant stack of her son’s glossy publicity head shots. Since a giant head is pretty much all any 18 month old boy has to offer the world up to that point, it’s a fitting tribute. Besides an enormous melon head, Dana gushes on and on about how he can read, has begun encyclopedia training (whatever that is…) and can speak fluent Tai, which always comes in handy at DayCare when you’re eating paste. This gave Kyle plenty of time to start practicing her eye rolling technique, because she was gonna need it a lot this week.
But like so many Housewives who have come before her, take the fancy clothes off her back and the money out of her purse, and you could plop Dana at any Community Center on Bingo night.
She has the big bone structure, loud peanuts & beer laugh and shameless bragging screech to easily go up against anyone in a trailer park showdown. If she could strap wheels and a gas tank onto that big house, she’d be right at home towing that thing around the country collecting shot glasses or State Capital thimbles. Heck, she could even take it on a slow boat to Thailand, since her baby could read the map.
Moving on to even classier women, or so she keeps telling us, we find Lisa tasting wine at her hobby restaurant Villa Blanca, which I think means House for White People Only or something. She is happily, snootily sipping up the new vintage when her chum Bette shows up with an offer too good to pass up.
Since Lisa is apparently the only British sounding woman in all of California, CNN would like to have her come down to the studios and do a little media commentary on the Royal Wedding of Kate and William. Yeah. CNN. The news channel CNN. I know, right?
Lisa mentions that, coincidentally enough, she just recently had lunch with The Duchess of Wherever, so she is the perfect choice for this job. And plus, Sissy Dog to the Stars Jiggy has a new gem encrusted purple onesie that will simply pop on camera.
Pip Pip Cheerio, she’ll do it.
Having survived last week’s NBA game without getting roughed up in the parking lot, Adrienne is planning a BBQ for the gang. Watching someone call her friends on speaker phone would not normally glue me to my seat, but luckily husband Paul was there to spike her blood pressure. I’m still pretty certain he lays awake at night thinking up ways to drive her badoinkers, and probably puts things on her face while she sleeps. After injecting her face full of Botox every other Thursday, it’s probably fun to see if he can get any expression out of her.
It appears Paul trained his big dog to both fetch and drive Adrienne crazy, because the mutt ran circles around the study disrupting the phone calls and almost pushing her little sissy dog to the point of nervous pee. Good stuff.
The second, second string Housewife Brandi, who hobbled onto the scene last time at Kyle’s charity event, met up with Taylor for some drinks and to talk husbands, ex-husbands and to get more LeAnn Rimes bashing in before the next commercial. Since Brandi is only famous for getting dumped, she needs to keep that one floating as long as she can. Poor LeAnn doesn’t stand a chance. Homewrecker.
Each week we get to witness another layer of the Krazy Kim onion being peeled away. This time she is dusting her massive collection of family photos, and starting to leak a little more crazy as she realizes that both her career and her kids have both moved on. When the Emmy people are deciding who gets the Best Supporting Actress trophy next year, I really hope they consider Kim’s maid for the honor because after being trapped in the room with Kim, she deserves it. Since you know the poor woman only came into the room looking for the Windex, watching her squirm and nod and try to get the heck out of Dodge before Kim loses it was television gold. You could totally tell she regretted ever letting on that she could speak English.
Kyle, Lisa, their husbands and Jiggy got together at a restaurant for a little dinner, where they had the chance to sample some new cuisine and talk some smack about Taylor. Kyle is worried. Lisa isn’t a big fan. Kyle wishes Lisa would stop telling Taylor that she isn’t a good friend. Lisa wishes her bangs would just stay out of her eyes, plays with them like she always does and then rubs Jiggy some more. That pretty much covers it.
Adrienne’s BBQ was as extravagant as her Golden Palace of a home, complete with inflatable Slip & Slides for the kids and enough food to feed all the Sacramento Kings employees that she just put out of a job.
Taking a night off from Bingo, Dana shows up wearing her $25,000 sunglasses.
Seriously. $25,000. Like with a $25. And then three zeroes after the $25.
As if. Since I can pretty much track the days of Summer based on how many sunglasses I lose or sit on during the season, that’s never gonna happen. Not even if I had the additional $24,999 in my account. Dana would have come across less pretentious and bragalicious if she had simply left the price tag sticker on the lens, because the girl did not shut up all day about how much they cost.
Camille makes her weekly appearance to bash Kelsey and talk about being dumped with Brandi. I bet you anything that the first line in Camille’s contract for this season is that she requires room temperature Fiji water and gets to talk s*** about Kelsey’s manhood in every episode. She is smoothly transitioning from last year’s NutNoodle to this year’s Miss Bravo Snarky Comments 2011. Who would have guessed.
Brandi thinks that Camille needs to get dating asap, because women their age have a short window of Hotness. Hate to tell you honey, but check yourself out in those shiny $25,000 glasses across the table. That window was painted shut a long time ago.
Lisa couldn’t take part in the (small) weenie roast because she had to do the CNN thing, which was pretty uneventful. Except for her poor teen age soon who finally got some face time and was forced to help stick hair extensions onto his mother’s head. That kid is destined to get beat up behind the bleachers. You know he was bragging all last year to his on line gaming friends that he is finally going to be on TV again this week, and ends up clipping tracks like an intern at Monique’s House O’ Curl. Girrrll…she did not just make him do that.
Back at the BBQ, we get more proof that money can buy stupidly expensive shades, but it still don’t buy you no class.
In between worrying about whether Taylor was going to eat or not, Kyle was taking in all the crazy that was being unleashed and trying to track down her sister. Kim was a no-show because apparently once she got done dusting those photos she suddenly realized that none of the people in the frames were actually in the house, and she had no one to go with. That and her phone died, which was extremely similar to the power failure excuse she used for being late to Adrienne’s NBA game day flight. But she was talking on the phone telling Kyle her phone died. You do the math.
Dana’s WonderChild, who can go to Thailand and order Chicken & Cashews in their native tongue, couldn’t figure out that if you push on the edge of the kiddie wading pool water comes out. I guess the directions for that were written in a third language he has yet to master.
Brandi’s son got naked and did a little #1 all over the grass, while his Mom proved that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. She busted out some porn lingo and got into a little rumble with the girls on whether or not they thought she was SuperSlut, who if I remember correctly was Wonder Woman’s evil cousin. Then she jokes that Dana’s mystery boyfriend is off having a fling somewhere, which makes Dana fog up her new specs and causes even more Housewife drama.
Tastes like just the right amount of crazy was added in this week. Just like Tai food, I’ll be hungry again in an hour.
When’s the next serving?
