And then they be all like MmmHmm Oh No She Din’t.
Of course everything is perfect.
Girrrl. You gonna poke an eye out with that Donkey.
Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis?
Now I don’t know what to do.
I thought I had my new screen saver all figured out.
I was all set to let Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Sissy Dog Giggy run his now infamous hyper SpazCircle over and over on my laptop until both of us blacked out.
But that was yesterday. Now I may have to switch to bootylicious Lawyer Phaedra Parks and her ever changing Silly Putty Face.
Miss Parks has almost as many facial contortions in her arsenal as she does snarky comeback lines, and she just unleashed most of them on the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
If Girl doesn’t cut you with her tongue, she’ll mess you up with her scrunchy nose and lips. MmmHmm. That’s rite she will. You really wanna go there?
Phaedra started her facial workout early in the day with a visit from Sheree, who dropped by the Parks Law & Bitch Slap Offices to discuss her upcoming child support case. It’s been four years, and Sheree has yet to see a penny from her ex-husband Bob Whitfield, the ManMountain from the NFL.
Galumping around like a T-Rex, Bob has thus far refused to help out with his kids, and Sheree is about to take him to court in order to better provide her single parent home with food and Birkin bags. Phaedra has no patience for slacking Baby Daddies, and wants to get an immediate warrant for abandonment and toss Bob’s ‘baller butt in jail.
After representing Bobby Brown, I don’t think she should be too quick to judge. Remember how that all played out? Crack is whack, people. Stay in school.
Sheree doesn’t want the public spectacle (…umm…Bravo? National cable channel? Reality TV show? Cameras in your house?) and would rather just meet up in court and get back some of the bank she is owed.
Sheree’s biggest concern is that Bob is a jock celebrity and the boys in the court house are going to treat him like he still mattered in the world of sports. Phaedra’s biggest concern is billable hours. And so it begins.
Next we go online for Kandi Koated Nights with Kandi and her horny hip hop crew. What started out as a basement web show that appeared to have been produced for extra college credits has now been upgraded, just like that Beyonce song. Flashier set, better lighting, bigger Mac laptop and even dirtier talk.
Kandi’s internet show, much like Kandi herself, has no filter. No topic is off limit. No shame. No embarrassment. Just please don’t let your mother walk in while it’s on the screen, because she would drop dead and you’d have guilt for the rest of your life.
Oy vey I tell you. It’s that kind of show.
This week Kandi has Charles Grant and Marlo Hampton on as guests. Charles is another big lug nut ‘baller who may or may not have tapped him some NeNe Leakes while she was still married to Greg. According to NeNe it never happened. According to the cashier at my CVS it did, because she read it in OK Magazine.
Marlo is…Marlo. She’s a socialite and…that pretty much covers it.
In the first of multiple Atlanta Bashing Moments this week, when Charles is asked about NeNe and women who hook up with ‘ballers he states that the city is a Pretend City full of fakers and posers. Women need to carry themselves like ladies. Don’t be dressing up in Louboutins and then drive your booty home in a Honda Civic. Act like a hoe..get treated like a hoe. You heard it here first.
Digging for a little dirt on Marlo, Kandi tosses the questioning in her direction and is told that God gave Marlo a blessing, which may go down in the record books as one of the best non-answer answers ever on television. Politicians could learn a few things from Marlo.
Kandi implies that the Blessing may have been a white Sugar Daddy, and then we move on. Phaedra would have totally made a Poopy Phaedra Face if she was watching on her iPad.
Speaking of. Kim and Kroy bring little KJ home from the hospital after his bleeped out, cuss filled delivery. As previously noted, whatever brand of tape Kim uses to hold those wigs on her head should be loaned to NASA to keep shingles from falling off during Shuttle re-entry. Anyone who can go through labor and delivery and still keep that Dolly Parton rug attached to her skull deserves an epidural. Or two even.
Ouch. Just the thought. Phaedra Face.
Somewhere between the baby shower and the delivery Brielle, the oldest daughter, has gone completely lazy a** spoiled teenager. It seemed to happen during a commercial. Granted she was always dopey and kind of lazy, and sucked on her braces like a mouth breather does during allergy season, but this week it really kicked in gear. She won’t help with anything, and spends every scene texting on her cellphone.
Anyone who has ever caught an episode or two of The Real Housewives of New Jersey probably got an immediate flashback to spoiled brat Ashley, with just a different color iPhone case. Bravo can sure pick ‘em.
The only family member less excited than Brielle to see the newborn was half dog/half bear cub Chanel who has apparently decided to pee on the carpet every time the new baby goes poo, just to prove a point. Chanel is not a big fan of another cute little thing coming into the house. I smell a Turf War. And poo.
While everyone but Brielle is cleaning up the mess, NeNe and Cynthia are doing a little shopping, since God knows they have nothing to wear. When Cynthia mentions the recent episode of Kandi Koated Nights, NeNe again denies that she ever knocked boots with Charles. She also makes a gynecological reference to Hello Kitty that will forever terrorize me as I walk past that plush kiosk in the Mall. Thanks for that.
As Sheree’s court date draws closer, she felt it was necessary to get some Silly Putty reaction to her wardrobe choices for the Big Day, so she puts on an impromptu fashion show for Miss Phaedra.
First point, I don’t think it should take a lawyer to figure out that if you are going to court begging for mo’ money you probably shouldn’t pull up to the curb in your brand new Porsche, and then climb out wearing head to toe Dolce & Gabbana. Der. Phaedra makes some funny faces and fills her in on court protocol.
After that discussion, I’m kind of thinking that maybe Chateau Sheree is being built on some Fantasy plot of land that only Sheree can see.
Legal mumbo jumbo aside, the other thing that Phaedra specializes in is Donkey Butt.
MmmHmm. Girl knows booty. Or bootay as they say in the ‘hood. She advises Sheree to get all that junk under control before she goes in front of the judge. Be grateful for what yo’ Momma gave you, but keep it under wraps.
Now that you mention it, I don’t remember any of the women on Perry Mason backin’ it up in front of the jury. ”Your honor? My homeboys tried to warn me, but that butt you got makes me so….”
Yeah. Phaedra’s probably right on this one.
The only thing more disturbing than Sheree’s D&G Donkey Ride was Kandi dumping a box of sex toys onto the table in a diner while everyone around her was just trying to eat pie.
That’s right. You heard me.
Kandi had tracked down the women who markets the OmiBod line of adult goodies, which synch up to your iPod and vibrate to music. No more humming required, I guess.
As clever as the concept is, I’m not certain that pulling out all your heavy artillery in a diner is in good taste, much less up to health codes. Maybe that wasn’t really pancake syrup that stuck to your elbow last night at IHOP after all. When the marketing rep twists one of those badboys to ON position and lets it shimmy across the table I’m pretty sure two tourists required medical attention in the next booth.
Now I can’t shop Hello Kitty or listen to the Chipmunks Christmas song ever again.
By the time that Kandi put something that looked like a Star Trek Klingon hand up to her nose to feel it vibrate the kitchen was closed for the night.
And I don’t even want to discuss the 3 foot tall red Beaver statue that was standing guard at the front door. Please tell me I didn’t imagine it.
After that, seeing Kim’s father mimic KJ groping her breasts during feeding time seemed pretty tame. Creepy. And inappropriate in front of the kids, especially with his weird porno mustache . But pretty tame in comparison.
Aside from Dad pretending to be a perverted Mime in a box, the rest of the family visit was just baby poo and more Chanel rebellion. They’re definitely going to need to invest in a Stanley Steamer if this dog doesn’t change his attitude pretty soon.
Finally it’s time for court. Sheree has her Donkey Butt under control, and Phaedra claims to have everything else under control.
Wrong.
Bob shows up looking like he just rolled out of bed and Phaedra gets ready to wipe the floor with that ‘baller. But it seems that he was awake early enough to get a petition for contempt filed, claiming that Sheree took furniture and she owes HIM money and so on and so on. Phaedra pops up out of her seat and doesn’t even know which face to put on, so she just gets all Say Wha–?! and then sits back down.
In less time than it took Sheree to pick an outfit, the judge kicks them out until the next hearing.
Sheree is not happy.
Phaedra makes some more faces and swears she can fix this, because she is Phaedra.
Kandi bashes Atlanta and claims the court system is rigged against women.
Even women with fine Donkey Butts.
MmmHmm.
