I’m about to pop off on you like a Bad Girl, grandpa.
You better check yo’ self, bitches.
You better get yourself together. Get yourself together. Get yourself together.
Oh…and turn in your Man Cards while you’re at it.
Boys will be boys.
Unless those boys live in Atlanta. Then they either wear pumps or fight like they’re wearing pumps.
This week, The Real Housewives of Atlanta was all about busting down houses, busting open heads and busting out of your dresses. And it all culminated in yet another public meltdown that proved the boys have picked up some mad skills from their women.
But first things first.
Considering that she has only done one strip mall theater performance to date that I’m aware of, still isn’t getting her child support checks on time and couldn’t even fill an outlet clearance rack with SHE by Sheree merchandise…can someone please tell me how Sheree is paying for this new home she is building?
This thing is massive. It’s going to take 8 months to build, and apparently requires the demolition of not only a perfectly good fixer-upper home, but acres of Atlanta’s wetlands and more than likely at least two of her new neighbors’ homes.
Remember that scene in the new Star Trek movie when they are building the Enterprise? Picture that…but in the backwoods of Atlanta. Add in that Family Guy sight gag where the front of Cleveland’s house keeps getting ripped off while he’s in the tub or on the toilet. And then stick Sheree’s stilettos in the mud like she’s a Louis Vitton display window scarecrow…and there you go.
Sheree wobbled around the work site checking on progress and sinking into the ground like a T-Rex, all while visualizing her new ballroom, library and laser tag emporium.
No wonder she played that whole I’m Richer Than You thang with NeNe a few weeks ago. I don’t see NeNe digging up no eco-system to make room for a walk-in closet.
No I don’t. MmmHmm.
Speaking of bulldozers. Next up is Phaedra.
Between her ceramic high gloss lip shellac and crazy neon pink Jenny From The Block bootay sweatsuit, I think it’s pretty clear that Phaedra could tear apart a house…or a man…faster than any of Sheree’s contractors. The only time she seems to pump the brakes a little is when she is around her little niblet Ayden. That baby somehow has the power to bring out her inner Mrs. Cleaver as she goos and gaahs all over that highchair.
If the Neighborhood Association would allow white picket fences I almost think Phaedra would be on her way to Home Depot, if it made for a happy baby and a good photo opp.
Making the move from the Big House to the Parks House hasn’t been as easy for hubby Apollo.
Funny thing about a prison record. You have another run in with the police and you’re the lead story on tonight’s TMZ. Turns out Apollo was pulled over by Atlanta’s finest, tossed to the ground and mistaken for some other piece of jail meat. Thanks to Twitter and that whole gossip thing, someone had contacted Phaedra to let her know. When she hit Apollo up on his Sidekick he lied and said he was at work instead of face down on the side of the road.
Lying is always a good way to build a strong foundation for your marriage, right?
His issue is that everything is an issue because of who he is. Phaedra of course processes the story into something that makes her the center of the gossip and media attention, and Apollo just gets crankier. He doesn’t want to have to fight the entire world and then come home and fight her all night.
Both Apollo and Ayden need to be changed, but since she can only hold one baby at a time, Phaedra chooses the little one and Apollo continues his rant on the Assumption of Society. This isn’t going to end well.
Cynthia seems a little calmer when we move to her home. She and new husband Peter are putting together a meal for Baby Daddy Leon, who is coming to visit his daughter Noelle. (You still following all that?) Seems that Cynthia has a pretty hip chilled out relationship with her daughter’s real dad, and he can drop by whenever he’s in the neighborhood or on his way to the convenience store.
Looking like a skinny P.Diddy in his Hollywood shades, Baby Daddy Leon (BDL on his bling, I bet…) is a nice enough guy who tries to clue Peter in on the Rules of All Things Bailey.
During that infamous Jurassic Park wedding last season, it became clear to everyone except the bride and groom that Cynthia’s family was not all that keen with her choice of partners. When the newlyweds got wind of all this after the fact, it didn’t sit well with Peter and he needed BDL to hook him up with some pointers on these crazy Baileys.
Number One: Don’t Mess With Her Family.
There’s no Number Two.
Now Peter is as cranky as Apollo and Ayden. Remember. I said this isn’t going to end well.
You’d think that Sheree would have learned her lesson at the job site, but sure enough she shows up for lunch with Kim in yet another pair of spikes that would make a normal woman’s ears pop at that altitude. Granted, who ever thought putting a restaurant on a gravel pit was a good idea should be fired, but regardless…if you can’t walk in them, don’t buy them.
After some gossip and jealously comparing home square footages, the two head back to their cars with Sheree clinging to Kim’s swollen belly like it’s a life preserver. If Sheree is going down in those heels she’s taking that pregnant lady with her to break the fall.
Anything for fashion, girls. Learn it.
NeNe hogged so much airtime the first two episodes this season that all she got was some awkward time with her estranged husband Greg. He was swinging by to pick up son Brentt who is doing the ping pong ball bounce between homes. Brentt is not a big fan of this single parent household thing, and is bored when he’s at Greg’s.
Poor kid has to split his time between talking Mustangs at Car Shows and shopping for dresses at Neiman’s. They need to figure this thing out quick before that boy ends up in some RuPaul LOGO commercial.
NeNe claims she doesn’t want to use the “D” Word around him.
Diva? Delusional? Ditzy? Am I getting close?
Not nearly enough NeNe this week. Haters.
So the recent rumbling around Atlanta has been over Peter’s interview in Uptown Magazine, where he talked smack about everyone on Bravo TV except Kandi Burruss. He didn’t think Sheree was pretty and showed no love to Phaedra, which was most likely due to her previously commenting that she needed a “clean man” and not one with a million babies around the country. He’s got five. Do the math.
In classic Don’t Bite The Hand That Feeds You form, Peter had nothing good to say about anyone on the show, and we all know you don’t diss a Housewife. Period.
Hasn’t he heard of Teresa Giudice?
Prostitution Whore. Save yourself a lot of grief down the road and Google it, dude.
So the Big Event in Atlanta this week is the Zolciak/Biermann Baby Showerpalooza Extravaganza.
Where have I been? I guess no one goes to Cheesecake Factory with the girls anymore. And it seems the Diaper Doo Doo Game has been replaced with seriously over the top showers that can only take place in venues previously reserved for trades shows or Celine Dion dress rehearsals.
As previously noted…just like her boobs, Kim likes everything over the top. Busting out over the top. And that includes baby showers.
If you can spend an entire college tuition on your baby’s event before the kid even pokes his head out the escape hatch, then you know you must have some serious bank. I would totally climb back in and start over if I could pull in half the Gucci stash that Baby Zolciak scored in one night. Jealous much?
Everyone but NeNe is invited, and it’s an event not to be missed. Kroy has his faux hawk spiked to perfection, and Kim is squeezed into yet another designer maternity sausage casing. Even Kim’s parents are there, and Dad is rocking both an extremely outgoing attitude and what appears to be 1940s newspaper editor’s mustache. (“Stop the presses!”) He’s also rocking his business cards which he shamelessly hands over to Phaedra in one of the worst unsolicited job applications ever.
If she didn’t love her free food so much she would have spit it out, but Momma loves her crab legs.
Sheree shows up with her whacky gay sidekick Lawrence, who borrowed her stilettos as well as her sassy attitude for the evening. The chunky Chanel link necklace most likely came from his gym bag.
Peter and Cynthia show up. Five hours late and with no present. How long does it take to plop that weave on, girl? Puhleez.
In the ultimate example of poor seating arrangements, Peter ends up next to Apollo. Both of them are still wearing their cranky pants and almost immediately begin a throw down.
Phaedra sets it off by casually mentioning that Peter doesn’t like her in an intentional reference to the magazine article. Oh no she din’t. She went there.
Boom goes the dynamite.
See if I can do this in one deep breath…
Peter gets defensive. Apollo gets defensive. Peter tries to bully Apollo. Apollo looks like he’s gonna get all jail yard on Peter. Peter references the police pulling Apollo out of his car. Apollo calls Peter too old. Then it really gets good and they start fighting in that delightfully crazy way that Reality TV people fight where they repeat the same thing over and over again like their needle is stuck and they get all up in each others’ grill and say “bring it” alot.
I’m pretty sure Phaedra dumped a couple of crab legs in her purse when no one was looking, but I don’t really have any proof.
The whole thing was classic Housewife. Boy Style.
It almost made me forget that Kim’s daughter used the phrase “knocked up” in her toast to the new parents.
Almost.
