OhMyGod. I died a little I’m so fierce.
OhMyGod. Psst…over here. And I’m fierce!
OhMyGod. But I’m fierce AND insecure! Literally.
Oh. My. God.
Just when I thought I was all DannyTrendy and had the latest catch phrases nailed down, The Rachel Zoe Project has to go and update the textbook on the second week of classes and school me in Fierce & Fabulous 101.
Literally.
Last season if I remember correctly…and maybe even last week, but I already deleted the DVR recording…with every glance at a rolling rack full of unpaid for designer samples, Rachel & Co. would follow much the same procedure that we learned in grade school Fire Safety: Stop. Drop. Roll.
Except the fashionista version was the dramatically paused Stop. Gasp. Drool.
Then Oh. My. God.
And maybe even I. Can’t. Breath. if the outfit came with really great shoes.
So I worked on my William Shatner enunciation and tried to use my new skills in everyday life. I practiced my FashionSpeak when I would call for take out, when the subway was late and may have even dramatically paused my dissatisfaction when Burger King turned the Buck Double into a Single Stack, which is the same thing stupid thing with a different name.
Then suddenly tonight I find out that all the Cool Kids in school have turned it into one big staccato word now. OhMyGod. All one word. And really, really fast. In a Gone With The Wind last dying breath exhale.
Like Menomena from Sesame Street, only more fierce. Think Muppets with Attitude, and really big sunglasses.
It’s the launch of Rachel’s clothing line, which should not be confused with the time that Rachel discovered the Polio vaccine, though both events probably resulted in the same over the top mass hysteria that erupted within the Zoe Biosphere. Seriously. These people might want to dial down the hyper knob a little. They’re pants. And some nice blazers.
Scarf loving, floppy haired husband Rodger, who should not be confused with Roger the way most normal people would spell it, pulled together a very important staff meeting to explain to them that the launch of the line is a very important event and a lot of very important magazines and very important retail buyers will be at the very important unveiling. I think we get it dude. This one was kind of like when your boss has a meeting that is a complete waste of your time to go over the company’s new Time Management training modules. That kind of meeting, but without the donuts because they go right to his hips.
Mandana, who likes to be called Madonna, is pretty much Rachel’s right hand flunky and has no patience for this kind of thing. She needs to get back to bossing new boy Jeremiah around.
Recently I may have commented once or twice on how some other Bravo TV shows have fallen below their quota for whacky gay sidekicks. I might have to reassess, because I think they all ended up on this show by mistake. Someone in Central Casting sent the whole front line to Rachel’s studio, if you know what I mean. Jeremiah is the interviewee who had no experience but great camera-ready hair and got the job. Since his previous job was building bookcases and rearranging furniture, he was the natural choice to go pick out jewelry for the launch.
Remember the old Warner Brothers Bugs Bunny Show? When Sylvester the Cat had his annoying nephew follow him around under foot, always getting in the way and asking a million questions? Can we go play? What are you doing? What should I do? Where are you going? Can I? Can I? Yeah…that nephew.
Gel the fur on the little cat’s head straight up in the air, and you’ve got Jeremiah. The only thing higher than his hair is every 8th word he speaks as he jumps up an octave for effect. Check the audio tapes if you don’t believe me. He is a human vocal roller coaster.
This boy is trying so hard to please Rachel that he is going to need an inhaler before the season is over. I only counted him blinking four times the entire time he was learning the difference between pierced and clip-on. The frazzled jewelry boutique girl was one bangle away from pulling out a brown paper bag for Jeremiah to breath into by the end of the process. Poor guy even got a little bit of last season’s nervous Brad Face Flush going on under his scruff. Maybe they are more alike than Rachel thinks. Or maybe it really IS Brad in disguise, back to sabotage the Zoe Brand? Or maybe it’s some kind of weird Satanistic Fashionistic thing where Brad is using Jeremiah’s body as a Host and has come back to destroy everyone who made fun of his short shorts last summer? Hmmm….
I feel bad for the little nugget incubating inside Rachel. He must be bumping around in there like a tennis ball in a Kenmore dryer. She doesn’t stop for a second, and is turning every waking moment into drama. This is her last trip to NYC until she has the baby.
You would think it was her last trip because NYC was being blown off the map, or breaking off into the Atlantic the way she was going on…pregnancy is sooo not chic, she explained. She has such a rough life.
Rachel may not be able to button her Halston anymore, but she has mastered the Menomena. Nearly every sentence ends with that new fangled OhMyGod spritz that everyone is using on the West Coast. This is gonna take some practice on my part, I can tell. I’m still trying to master “Ba-nan-as” with out sounding like I’m having a seizure
Speaking of OhMyGod…Joey is back. Back with a vengeance. And back with aerosol hairspray and cover stick, too. Rachel’s personal on call HairBoy was flown in again to primp her for the launch. That woman sure spends alot of bank on that kid to end up with the exact same hair style she started with before Joey even got off the plane.
Really. She never looks any different when he’s done.
But he is fierce. Or so he says. And he has a slightly odd relationship with Rodger that you can’t stop watching. Like a Bromance kind of thing, but different. When Rodger was having a scarf meltdown, Joey was the one to talk him down from the ledge. It’s like when you see a strange picture in a magazine but move on to another article, and then a minute or so later you flip back to look at it again. Did I really see that? Did they really say that? Their hugs always last 3 seconds too long. But Joey is a hoot. Let’s just leave it at that.
Rachel loves her some Joey, and everyone wants him to stay in California to…well…do something I guess. Rodger even offered up his car. OhMyGod…his car. I know, right?
For a free Mercedes you know I would totally go scarf shopping with Rodger even if a Real Housewives Marathon was on. Shoot. Free Mercedes? Sign me up.
The launch itself was what you’d expect. Loads of clothes, loads of boys from that Casting Call front line and pretty much every catch phrase that has ever been uttered on The Rachel Zoe Project since its premiere. Since it is her own show, I kind of had a feeling that Women’s Wear Daily wasn’t going to call her line out as a pile of dish rags. She died a little when they loved the line. If that new baby gets even a quarter of the attention that she oozes onto her fur vests, that kid is the Golden Child.
Finally, for those of you who miss the old days when Krystal and Alexis used to throw down on Dynasty…it’s your lucky day. Remember the episode when they both ended up in the same gown at the mansion? It wasn’t pretty.
Neither were Joey and Jeremiah’s matching sweater ensembles when they met up for the patented Reality TV “get to know you better” breakfast.
Joey and Jeremiah are still sniffing each other out like junk yard dogs to figure out what is really going on down there. Joey thinks Jeremiah doesn’t have the experience to be a stylist and is looking to stir things up a little. Jeremiah gets a little spooked when Joey tells him War stories about the soldiers who have fallen previously in the Zoe Camp. Who are we kidding? Jeremiah probably got spooked when the waiter came over to refill his water.
Jeremiah sweats a lot and gets some crazy eye thing going on when he’s nervous. Joey gets a mild version of VH1 Bad Girls Club going with his head bobbing and snarky attitude. The PG version. For now anyway. They’re either going to end up BFFs, or Rachel is going to find one of them hanging in a garment bag next to Ann Hathaway’s next a-maz-ing Oscar gown.
Depending on how it all plays out, there may be an unclaimed Mercedes laying around soon.
Trust me, I can live with the car seat in the back.
