In all my 24 years of life, my mom hasn’t ever been around the house this much, except for the brief period after she got laid off and was off work for a little while when I was in first grade. It’s been exactly 50 days since the last time I was alone at my house, and it’s not exactly getting easier. I think I have exactly one marble left, and it’s not even a cool cat’s eye one.
The other day I informed my temporarily-invalid matriarch that we had run out of Tide plus bleach. Since it’s difficult for her to micromanage the laundry since she can’t go down the basement, I thought this development would prove interesting for her.
“We’re completely out of detergent?”
“No, we still have regular Tide. I just need to get more of the Tide plus bleach.”
“What about the Arm & Hammer?”
“???? I’ve just been using the regular Tide for the dark clothes and the Tide plus bleach for the whites like I always do.”
“You’re supposed to alternate between the Tide and the Arm & Hammer. That’s how it’s always been done.”
In the 50 days I’ve been laundering everything in the house, I just assumed the bottle of Arm & Hammer my mom was referencing was unopened. I also prefer Tide–it’s something about the contrast of the orange and blue packaging that appeals to me as a consumer. I’m not sure why I would know that I’m supposed to be alternating between two different detergents, and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t part of the lesson when I was taught how to do laundry a decade or so ago.
“Why are we alternating detergents?”
“The clothes can build up a tolerance to the chemicals.”
I’m willing to entertain other people’s strange notions, especially since I know I have a fair share of my own, but my mom informed of this alleged “clothes tolerance” in the same voice she’d use when she’d tell me I couldn’t get any M&Ms at the grocery store when I was a kid, and I couldn’t stop myself from taking the opportunity to huffily get more information.
“The clothes build up a tolerance…? Have you experienced this first hand?”
“I’m not going to argue with you about this! I’ll go back to doing it my way when I can walk again.”
Part of me wanted to stand up on the ottoman and exclaim, “YES! YOU FINALLY SEEM TO UNDERSTAND! YOU CAN DO IT YOUR WAY WHEN YOU’RE CAPABLE AGAIN! I AM NOT RUINING YOUR LAUNDRY. YOU CAN TAKE YOUR LAUNDRY FOR A POLIO BOOSTER WHEN YOU’RE ABLE, TOO, IF IT HAS SOMEHOW BUILT UP AN IMMUNITY TO THE INITIAL VACCINATION. OUR CLOTHES ARE NOT SO STAINED AND SMELLY THAT TIDE WILL SOMEHOW STOP BEING ANY MORE EFFECTIVE THAN IT’S ALWAYS BEEN. THIS IS COMPLETELY INSANE!!!!!!”
Instead, I said nothing and wrote this blog about it.
…Oh wait, there’s more!
My mom’s phone is lost. Before you start freaking out and giving me the phone number to AT&T’s customer service line, let’s remember that my mom cannot leave the house, which means that somewhere in our 1250 square foot home, my mom’s iPhone 4s is hiding out. How could my mom lose her phone when she only spends time in four rooms of the house? I have absolutely no idea. The fact that she keeps it on vibrate isn’t helping matters.
So in addition to feeling like I’m doing the laundry wrong for using one brand of detergent until the bottle is empty, I must also look for a lost iPhone.
In other news, I wrote a guest post for the lovely Lisa over at LisaListed. You can read it here. Ms. Lisa also recently wrote a letter to her thighs that speaks to me on so many levels.
PS: I checked the couch—no dice.
PSS: You’ll be excited to know I’ve been working on my book more! After a hiatus, I’m feeling inspired.
PSSS: On Monday, get ready for a story about Aerosmith tickets and my boyfriend’s birthday. It’s a doozy.
