Grief is like peeling and onion, it comes off one layer at a time and you cry a lot. That is my favorite analogy of grief. I have talked about the first two layers in previous blogs (click on the blue category button to find the first two parts). Now we deal with the third layer.
We may be passive victims during the first layers, but the time comes when we need to react and begin to fight our way back. Anger is the force that drives this reaction and it is very healthy. It is almost like we hit bottom and get mad. When I speak of anger in the conferences, most grieving people seem somewhat puzzled and remark that they are not sure they feel or did feel anger. I explain that anger does not come across as being mad or throwing tantrums in the floor, but the anger in grief usually exemplifies itself in questioning why this had to happen, a sense of fear about life in general, unfounded feelings of guilt and responsibility, or just a general feeling of irritability for no reason.
Since these feelings do not surface at first, it may be hard to find a way to express them when they do come. We may have already made pronouncements about how we have worked through the pain. We may have expressed our philosophic answers to the age old question of why bad things happen to good people. We may feel that most of the folks that walked with us through the hardest days of our pain are tired and feel like we should be past the questioning and reacting stage of the journey. We may feel the need to protect our families from our tears and do not want to disturb them further. Expressing anger can be a most difficult thing to achieve.
The anger needs to be expressed. I say it rather rude but I tell folks they need to keep their cussin’ current. I love watching the faces in the audience when they hear a former minister telling them to cuss. I qualify that statement by explaining that I use two words about the use of language – cursing and cussin’. Cursing is using foul language or including God’s name for emphasis. Cussin’ is expressing anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, and other like feelings. We need to keep those expressions current. They need to be spoken. Anger needs to be dealt with.
Sometimes is helps to react physically; hit something with a hammer; hang a pillow case stuffed with rags in the garage and use it as a punching bag. Two of my friends who both lost sons in a car wreck put Easter Eggs on tees and hit them with golf clubs the first Easter after their losses.
Sometimes it helps to write. Journaling orders the mind and helps bleed off a lot of the feelings that tend to flood us during this time.
And of course it helps to talk. A safe friend who is still willing to listen is worth their weight in gold. I don’t think we ever outgrow the need for a safe place and a safe friend. Having one who will not feel like we should be past our pain is rare but needed. If they feel it, we will know it and not be able to express what we need to express to keep our cussin’ current.
When the anger arrives, it is time to let it all hang out. It is time to scream to the heavens. Time to shout our questions even if there are no answers. This will upset some of our friends and families. I can always tell when this process begins, the friends begin to call telling me there is something wrong, and they think medication is needed. I always secretly rejoice. It means the anger has come, the reaction is going well, and one more layer of the onion is being peeled.
Copyright Doug Manning of In-Sight Books, Inc. Doug’s books, CDs and DVDs are available at www.insightbooks.com. Post originally published on Doug’s Blog at The Care Community www.thecarecommunity.com.
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