The Hunger Games

One of the most dangerous aspects of anorexiaIs that the disorder always wants moreMore weight loss To the point where sufferers become entangled in a twisted game of 'Who is the sickest?'I've played this game Many times And no good can come if it Being an addict And having attended support groupsI have met many other girls like meWho are cross addictedAnd developed EDs as well as drug/alcohol addictionsTwo girls in particular I became good friends withWe're we helping each other?I'm not so sure I know I measured my weight against theirs One of the girls and I used to tell each other our weightAnd  I committed it to memory And secretly tried to achieve a lower weight
They say that in regards to recovering1/3 will recover1/3 will live somewhere in between their disorder and recovery And 1/3 will never recover Those statistics ring true for me and my friends One of us has recoveredOne is still knee deep in the disorderAnd one is somewhere in between the two 
People with EDs Often have the sense that they are not sick enough And therefore don't deserve the title of 'anorectic'Because there is always someone sicker or thinner than you If you are admitted to inpatientThe Hunger Games become amplified For meInpatient did not work I found that being surrounded by other disordered people made recovery and weight gain nigh on impossible I compared myself to other girls What we weighed What we ateHow much exercise we did It was all a sick and twisted game I just wasn't able to allow myself to gain weight in that situationAnd have never completed treatment successfullyI've always done much better from home  With support of course 
There is a kind of competition that comes with anorexia We wear our bones like trophies on our bodies We award ourselves with medals for the different milestones we achieveGiven the title of anorecticCheckUnderweightCheckSeeing a counsellorCheck InpatientCheck Inpatient especially has a kind of holy grail aura about itBecause we never believe we are sick enoughBeing told you need to go in to inpatient is like being validated that yes you are sick enough to go to hospital  or treatment I know I spend much time worrying about the fact that I don't have an EDRather than the fact that I do have one
Although Having said all that One place that I don't feel a sense of competitionIs here on bloggerWhy is that?Probably because we get to see the real honest truth about what it's really like to live with a life threatening mental illnessThe fearThe loneliness The isolationThe depression and anxietyThe family issuesThe never ending merry-go-round of recovery and relapseIt's clear from reading about people's lives hereThat an ED is not what it would have you believe 
Ive used this metaphor before But I will use it againAn ED is like an abuserIt grooms you and lures you in with false promises of happiness and success It paints a picture of what life will be like when you lose weightYou'll be lighter Prettier The smallest of all your friends And of course it will tell you that thinner people are more popularMore liked and loved Your boyfriend will be able to pick you up with no effort at allYou will wear anything you likeAnd look effortlessly beautifulOh yesIn return for your bodyYour mind Your sanityAnd your soul Anorexia will give you the life you always dreamed ofHard to resist right? Once anorexia lures you inAnd you are now captive Anorexia shows its true coloursAnd how evil it truly isAnd once she is in your life Life will never be the same again
Thus far I've focused on anorexiaBut of course there are other eating disordersUnfortunately They are not given the same status that anorexia isBulimia for exampleIs widely considered to  be anorexias less popular cousinHaving dealt with both I know first hand that it is a lot more difficult to talk about bulimiaIf anorexia is cold, controlled and aloofThen bulimia is loud and brash and in your face No one wants to admit that they throw up their foodIt's messyIt's disgustingIt's not something that you talk about in polite company I think people feel sorry for people with anorexiaAnd disgusted by people with bulimiaIt's not a fair appraisal at all Then there is binge eating disorderAnd food addiction Which must be even more difficult to talk about Anorexia gets the most attentionThat is for sure Maybe because seeing an emaciated person is so shocking Papers and magazines love a sensationalist storyWith a shocking and disturbing picture to go with itThe same with obesityBut if you ask meAnorexia and obesity are on the same spectrumAt opposite ends albeitBut it's the same problemA problem with feelingsWith reality With ourselvesAnd of course with food I have no doubt that I could easily become obese My relationship with food can be so disordered that it is a very real possibility As I have said beforeI either eat none of the foodOr all of the foodThere is no in between 
There is no glory in being the sickest or the thinnestIn the end Lives are torn apart as a result And reallyThere are no winners Only losers I know all too well that our EDs will not be satisfied until we are six feet underDeath is the ultimate prize 
There is no doubtThat eating disorders are complicated illnesses Often we don't know why we are doing what we are doingBut we feel compelled to do itGod knows I am going through it right nowAnd it's a battle to get back on trackIt's so important in recovery To build a solid foundation on which to grow fromI think maybe that was my mistake I didn't have a platform from which to flourishMy recovery happened very quicklyAnd almost in spite of myself I think I started using the word recovery because I had gained weightBut then recovery really did happenI did gain weightMy mood improved My anxiety and depression lifted But was it sustainable?I'm not so sureI think I need to start againTo take my time And build up my recovery layer by layer So that I have reservesFor when things turn sour Like now I am struggling to hold on to my recovery My ED is screaming in my ears these days I spoke to my family about it yesterdayFor the first time They are worried As am I I was stupid to think that I could lose a few pounds and stop there I've lost too much weight in a very short space of timeMy body is really suffering As is my mental health I'm thinking of ringing Mary and asking for a top up appointment I've also reached out to friends So I'm hoping to get back on track
With all that saidI was wondering about youHave you ever been caught up in The Hunger Games?Do you think that anorexia can become a game of who is the sickest? What is your experience of this?Answers on a post card please.....