The First Step is Always the Hardest...

It's Saturday evening
And I'm chillin out at homeMy first week of work is overAnd I now have a few days off which is niceWork went better than expected And even though I had my doubtsI think I will get through the summer okGetting my first pay check helped massively Even if I did have to hand it all over to a mechanicMy car is fixed for now So hopefully it goes for me for another while My Mam goes away on Monday for a weekSo I will be here alone with my DadHe needs a lot of help now His hands are all but useless Making pretty much everything nigh on impossible From buttons to forks to drinking a cup of teaPatience of a saint is required But we manage 
In other news I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday And in my friends you might know I saw a photo of an extremely evacuated girl And from doing a bit of snooping I discovered she has anorexia And also writes a blogBeing a good while in to my recovery The feelings I felt looking at this photo were ones of empathy and compassionI felt no triggerNo desire to be like her No immediate plan to lose weight I felt sorry for herBecause her body is vocalising what she can't sayMy thoughts then turned to myself I have no idea what I weigh right nowAnd have no desire to knowMy body shape has changed a lot over the last year I've gone from being a petit little girlTo a curvy and shapely woman A lot of my clothes don't fit me nowAnd I'm having to buy new onesIn new sizes tooI caking very easily lose my shit over my weight gainAnd a year  ago I could not have handled this at allBut today Well today I am ok with my weightI've decided that I have three options with my weight I can change itI can ignore itOr I can accept itI've decided to accept itAs really In the grand scheme of things What's a few pounds here and there The people in my life who love me don't care what I weigh And those who do care and judge my weight are not real friends I'm pretty sure that this is the highest weight I've ever beenI have boobs galore And a booty you could eat your dinner offAnd you know what?I am perfectly ok with that I am a firm believer in rocking what you've got And at the moment I have curves So instead of covering them in tent like clothes I am going to dress them to highlight themAccentuate the positive and all thatSkinny No longer holds any glamour or wonder for meSkinny is fine But so is curvyIt's more than fine It's sexyIt's unique It's attractive And for the first time probably ever in my life I feel ok in my skinNow don't get me wrong I have plenty of days when I feel like I want to take a hatchet to my body I have days when I despair that none of my beautiful clothes no longer fit meBut They are just clothes They are replaceable It's not a big dealThe great thing about diversity is how individual you can beI spent quite a while hiding my new body in blankets of fabricNow I have decided to embrace my curvesTo show off rather than camouflage And there is one more thing about body image that money can't buy And that is confidence Confidence No matter what you wear Or what you look like If you have confidence If you act like you don't care If you rock what you've got and then some Then that is extremely attractive So yes One thing I've learned Is that the size of your body has absolutely categorically nothing to do with your happinessI thought when I reached a certain weight I would be happy What a load of old shitAll that happened was that instead of being healthy and miserable I was now under weight and miserable And here I am now probably double my lowest weight And I am still hanging in there 
I went over to see Coco this morning With my sister and Honey and LeaI was a bit worried about seeing Coco As the last time I saw him he was pushy to the point of being aggressive But today he was in much better formAnd back to his gentle cheeky selfWhich I was so glad to seeHe was delighted to see his bestie LeaAnd followed her all around the field like a puppyVery cuteRelations with Cocos owner are starting to break down thoughHe is slimySmart arsedSelfishEgotistical I really don't like having to deal with himSo I try and avoid him at all costsBut I know that is going to cause problems in the future I just hope I can continue to see Coco As that pony is part of my life now I'm too attached to walk away now
I feel a bit restless at the moment I want to do something Like get another piercing or tattooOr dye my hair a mad colour Pink would be nice But I don't think work would appreciate that I'm doing my best to save some money this summer It's not easy when you are as impulsive as I amI swear I have my wages spent before I even get them!
I sincerely hope that all of you are doing okDo comment and let me know you are thereI'm off to make a cuppaSee you on the next post...