This path of emptiness that has led me to a land of dreams, a land where I am only accompanied by my harrowing thoughts and the darkness of my shadow. Where each step is with tremendous caution, from the fear of drowning. Drowning into the truths of my life. The fear of being pushed down by my dark memories into a sea of sorrow. I yell, I scream. But no one would listen. No one is there to listen. No one ever is. And so I live on, hiding behind the shattered soul that tries to cope with a body that has been subject to so much pain that now, even a step is agonizing. And still remain so noctilucent, hiding my true self and portraying the image of a former being. This punishment I deal with is the self actualization of the darkness inscribed inside me. Inside my very core, my anemic heart. And now, from an uncertain point in time, your long lost memory hurts me like a raw wound. Your presence is such that terrorize my nights, memories are of such dark nature, they apply pressure on my soul from all sides, choking me. Those dark gloomy nights, that loneliness. Thinking of you brings those cold memories to life. Memories I would normally avoid. Memories I’d shield my broken soul from. And I try. A hopeless attempt but I still give it a shot. And as I proceed on this wretched path of torment, I take step with caution. And then there is the breakthrough. As if I'm standing in front of a mirror looking at myself in the eye. But there is no mirror. Just a field of white under the eyes of a sheet of gray. A few odd crooked trees. And their dark dry branches that tell the tale of distress. There I stand looking at myself in the eye. And we both slowly proceed to each other. I hug me. I hug myself. A brief moment of warmth in an ice cold land. A moment of warmth that only lasted a second. I can feel me breathing against my neck. The exhaled breath comes out icy and it stings. I try to break free from the icy grip but the efforts a waste. For a brief second I look into my eyes and see a hopeless me encompassed in an eerie circumscription of darkness. I start to get breathless. I fight, kicking and punching violently, desperately. Looking for that bleak ray of hope. I know I'm being sucked in right now. I let the darkness get hold of me...
I'm falling; around me is nothing but darkness. I look up and see the clouds closing. I could only see a part of the icy realm now, getting smaller by every second. And it closes. My one chance of escape from this hell I've created was now gone. The curtains had fallen. My show had finally come to an end. Just as hope closes its door a blinding light pierces the darkness and hits me straight in my face. And the anamnesis begins. Everything starts to rewind before me. It’s fast but I still know what’s happening. All the loop holes. The ways I could have avoided these memories to become my forever nightmare. Pain shoots up my head and I open my eyes and try to figure out my surroundings. I'm still in bed. Everything is dark. My left hand is still gripping her right, and she is fast asleep. Sleeping peacefully, her chest slowly rising with every breath. I give her a slight peck on the forehead and wipe sweat off from mine and get ready to drift away again. And as I rest my head on the pillow I know the battle with my inner devil is far from over. I'll have to face him eventually.... and I know I'm not prepared. No one is.
