As you probably know I am usually one who would support the idea of positive thinking. Being a proponent of abundance consciousness it is my belief that what we choose to focus on is magnified and increased in our lives. Focus always on the positive in a given situation, the things that are working well, and your attitude and vibe will change. This new, abundant vibe will then attract the kinds of people and opportunities that are in tune with the new you via the naturally occurring laws of attraction. Choose instead to focus on the negative, wallowing only in the things you lack, and the opposite will occur. When you emit a vibe of lack, of cynicism or “not enough-ness” you will attract into your life the kinds of people and situations that support that way of being.
However that being said, there are definitely times where it pays to be cynical, negative and skeptical. There are certain situations where we must temporarily put on hold a cheery outlook in order to reach safety. I am talking of course about bullies, sociopaths/psychopaths, abusers and torturers! There are essentially two types of targets in any bullying or abusive situation, let’s take a look at what they are:
Can’t have positive without negative
* The Aware Victim - This is the simpler of the two situations. The aware victim knows that they are being bullied and they know that it’s wrong. Due to the abuse usually occurring at a neutral location such as a school or workplace, the target must grin and bear it for as long as they have to, but can usually find peace and solace upon returning home, on weekends or by leaving the school/job. The target and the bully are not usually closely related or intimately involved and so the target has a genuine and healthy dislike for the bully and their behaviors. To put it simply the aware victim knows that they are the target of abusive or unfair treatment and they form a natural dislike for the situation.
* The Unaware Victim - Also know as Stockholm Syndrome, the unaware victim is not consciously aware that they are being targeted for bullying, nagging, nit picking, deceit or other physical or psychological abuse. This is the much more dangerous of the two situations, and mostly occurs in intimate relationships and between close family members, particularly parent and child relationships. The unaware victim may be beaten, shouted at, humiliated or otherwise psychically, psychologically or sexually abused however they will always come to the defense of their abuser due to the complex emotions involved in close relationships. And more often than not they will blame themselves for whatever abuse takes place.
Now I don’t mean to minimize the plight of the aware victim, even when you know you are being bullied, and that the bully is in the wrong, it can still lead to depression, anxiety, self loathing and even suicide. However the aware victim does have the advantage of awareness and will often seek the help of a person of authority, or make an attempt to improve their situation by removing themselves from the influence of the bully. However the unaware victim doesn’t even see the problem, so there is no impetus for change whatsoever. Not only this but when concerned friends or family members looking in from the outside see what’s going on, the unaware victim can attack them in order to defend the abuser!
Sometimes!
I’ve experienced both forms of victim-hood and can tell you that positive thinking can be either your best friend, or your worst enemy when it comes to living in an abusive or bullying situation. The aware victim can benefit greatly from proactive, positive thinking and practicing abundance consciousness. Let’s look at some examples of how positive thinking can help the aware victim:
- Thinking positively in the school situation works well as you can focus on the fact that it is time limited. Even if you were unlucky enough to be in the same classes as the bully every year, the fact is that school does eventually come to an end. Even if you do nothing but grin and bear it, the problem will solve itself in time.
- Our thinking determines our actions and positive thinking leads to positive actions. Speak to your parents about changing school, make it clear that this is serious. Look into homeschooling. And don’t take no for an answer, the number of times I’ve and read heard of parents ignoring their children only for them to become depressed and despondent or attempt suicide is pretty heartbreaking. If you’re a parent, listen to you kids.
- People who are bullied are usually targeted for displaying an aptitude or talent beyond the average. Intelligent people, artistic people, sensitive and empathic people and creative people are most often the targets of abuse. This may be little consolation, but if you are being targeted it’s most likely because you are pretty darn good at what you do, and you are a decent and caring person. It’s not much perhaps, but it’s something to be positive about.
As you can see a positive, abundant attitude can be beneficial to the aware victim. Unfortunately the unaware victim is already a master of positive thinking, and is always using it to justify and paste over the misdeeds of the abusive party. Here are some of the common uses of the unaware victim’s “positive thinking”:
- But he’s great with the kids, a really great father
- But she loves me
- She’s right though, I probably wouldn’t find someone who loves and cares for me as much as she does
- But we’re family, blood is thicker than water
- But she’s my mum, she’s a lovely woman really
- But the good times are nice
- He’s doing me a favor by staying with someone useless like me
And so on. The point is that the unaware victim is always “looking on the bright side”, and they can’t be blamed for it’s a natural human tendency to look for the good in a bad situation. But it’s important for anyone who is in a situation where physical, sexual or psychological abuse is taking place to begin to, at least temporarily, adopt an attitude of negativity in order to get out of the abusive situation and into safety. Don’t paste over what they did, enhance it, blow it up and look at it in detail, show it to your friends, call an abuse hotline and talk about it! Here’s a list of a few things that people who respect, love and care for you would never do, and for which there is no justification for:
- Beat you
- Demean you
- Make you feel worthless
- Tell you that you’ll never find someone else
- Laugh at you while you cry
- Criticize and make fun of your hobbies and interests
- Force you to stay with them, with the threat of violence or social death if they don’t
- Manipulate you with crying and emotional blackmail
- Promise to change but never do
Sometimes we’re drunk and shouldn’t listen to ourselves!
If any of the items on this list are happening to you or someone you know it’s time to get cynical, to get negative and to get angry! There will be plenty of time for positives when you reach safety, outside the reach of this psycho, but for now it’s time to stop justifying their abusive actions and work toward securing yourself in safety. I too was once convinced that there was no one else out there who would like me for me, and boy was I wrong. No matter who you are you do not deserve to have to spend your life being treated like a sub human, there absolutely are good and decent people in the world waiting to treat you well. But you need to give them the opportunity to enter your life by first getting away from your torturer. And even if you don’t meet a great person straight away, it’s incredibly satisfying to be single and independent if you have a few good friends or family supporting you.
In summary, positive thinking is great, it’s a good trait to possess, to be able to put a good spin on things and feel better. But there are some situations where it pays to be negative, to look reality in the face and get yourself to safety. I wish everyone the best of luck, whether you have escaped such a situation, have never been in one or are currently facing one.
What have you’re experiences been with bullies and psychos been like? What did you do to finally break away?
Thanks for reading, all the best
Rohan.
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