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Terribly Awesome!: Private Resort

Posted on the 21 May 2011 by Cinefilles @cinefilles

Totally drained after a week of working your ass off for the weekend? Sounds like it's time for a camp-out! And no, we ain't talkin' s'mores, sing-a-longs and psycho killers. (Although, they may very well make questionable individual appearances.) What we're really talking about getting in touch with your guilty pleasure zone. Every third Saturday, Emily (our resident camp connoisseur) will lead you through one of the best of the worst movies of all-time. It's gonna be awesome—and terrible!—all at the same time!
Terribly Awesome!: Private Resort Photo: impaawards.com
With Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides hitting theaters this weekend, I'm sure a lot of you will be yo-ho-ing your way through your Saturday afternoon, daydreaming about throwing on a corseted frock and a feathered hat and chasing after some Jack Sparrow tail. But I've got something you might enjoy a whole lot more—if you can find it at your video store (if pirating was only about rhymes, I'd the biggest and baddest of all-time!).
Before Monsieur Depp (I think we can call him that considering how much time he spends avec le francais these days) jumped down from Jump Street, became Tim Burton's male muse and made guyliner, man-tans and dirty dreds Oscar nom worthy, he was just another 80s sidekick, looking for his big break. After starting off on what I would call a totally high note (the sweater vest-rockin' love interest in the original A Nightmare On Elm Street), the man hit rock-hard beach bum bottom with a totally ridiculous tropical-getaway sex comedy. And that totally ridiculous tropical-themed sex comedy is Private Resort.


*WARNING: If the thought of seeing Johnny Depp's bare ass makes you feel faint, look no further!*
WHY IT'S TERRIBLE:
  • Just take a look at that poster. I mean, those two guys are obviously not Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow.
  • The plot is as predictable as they come—at least for an 1980s sex comedy. Basically Porky's in Paradise. A few too-cute-to-be-striking-out-so-much young dudes (Morrow and Depp) lurk at the ladies of all ages and cup sizes like perfect pervs while on vacay at an all-inclusive in Florida... Until one of them (in this case, Morrow) falls for a semi-smart-totally-stacked girl next door type.
  • This kid's perv-in-training face. ICK.

Terribly Awesome!: Private Resort
  • You get a feeling the director was striving to achieve a world record for jump cuts to T and A. At first you're like, "Ha ha. Look at their 80s granny-waisted swimsuits!" But after the 10,000th shot—in the first three minutes—you're more like "These ladies probably are grannies now." And you want to vom up your PopRocks.
  • These tease-happy teases are supposed to be major hotties. If they only knew the lengths they went to get that body... Cough. Cough. Sorry, I just ingested some of their leftover hairspray.

Terribly Awesome!: Private Resort
  • Like every early-mid 1980s comedy, it's rife with really random racial stereotypes and homophobic caricatures. See: the possibly-Nazi German barber, angry sumo wrestlers, ignorant Japanese tourists and Johnny's invention of a effeminate nail artiste named Jacques. OK, that last one is kind of hilarious.
  • Another awfully un-PC example: there's a whole storyline involving this woman, who gets crazy eyes and removes her clothes in attempt to get closer to her god, Baba Rama.

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