Sweet Dreams

I've always had a slightly different relationship with sleepI absolutely love sleeping I love falling asleep I love feeling tiredAnd being just on the verge of falling asleepMy sleep patterns are directly connected to my drug addictionI can remember as a child Maybe around 12 years oldGoing to my motherAnd complaining that I couldn't sleep It was a lieI could sleep perfectly wellBut she brought me to the doctorAnd I distinctly remember hoping that he would put me on sleeping tabletsEven at that young ageI craved the sweet release of sleep 
All through my teenage yearsI looked for the perfect escapeI craved oblivionAnd At age 18I became addicted to HeroinHeroin is the ultimate escapeIt kept me in a twilight worldSomewhere between sleep and realityI used to try and keep myself in a state where I could fall asleep at any timeCheck off the planet when ever I wanted  If you've ever seen someone on heroinThey can literally sleep standing up And you go to a kind of different world Almost like being in a dreamA dream where you haven't a care in the worldWhere everything is soft and light and floatyMy words do no justice to describe the feeling that heroin givesBut I must also be careful not to forget the negatives of drug useBecause there were many And in the end I had to get sober
Although I put down heroinI picked up alcohol and prescription medsAnd again sleep became my drugI would drink a bottle of vodka and take a handful of pillsAnd drift off to another placeI used to sit on the mat in front of the fire placeCigarette in hand Burning holes in the carpetDrifting in and out of consciousness Sitting cross leggedWith my head on my knees
But then my precious sleep turned on meAnd I began to experience night terrorsThey hit me out of the blueThe first time I experienced themI was just back from a holiday in SpainI had done pretty much nothing but drink on the holidayAnd I think when I got homeI had gone into withdrawal For a few nights in a row I experienced terrifying nightmaresDreams that made no senseBut we're utterly shockingI would let out blood curling screams And someone would come and wake me upI woke up in a cold sweatAfraid to back to sleep I remember sleeping beside my mother on more than one occasion I was that scaredI've had night terrors from time to time over the yearsUsually when I'm stressedOr in active addictionI live in fear of them 
Any time I've been in treatmentSleep has been an issueI'd fall asleep in groups And it was put yo me that I use sleep as an escapeI can't argue with thatIt's very trueI switch off when things get too muchI literally conk outWhich most likely contributed to the fact that treatment didn't work for me I also asked for meds that I didn't really need But wanted to use as an escapeIncluding sleeping pillsAnd anti anxiety medsI was constantly running from reality
My favorite time of the whole dayIs those few minutes when I lie down at nightWhen my head hits the pillowThose few minutes before I fall asleep When my head and body are so relaxedSo at peaceWhen my head is clear from all the clutter of the dayWhen nothing matters When I'm not an addictWhen I don't have an EDWhen I am just a person falling asleepIt's sheer bliss
At the moment Sleep is still my drugI have at least one nap a dayAnd can usually fall asleep at the drop of a hatBut something strange happened this week regarding sleep The reflexology lady rang meOr at least I thought she rang meTo ask me if I was coming to my appointment on WednesdayI said that I couldn't make itAnd she offered me an appointment on FridayYesterdaySo I accepted thatYesterday afternoonI made my way in to the villageAnd knocked on her doorNo answer I waited in my car for a while Then knocked againNo answerThen I started to wonder if I had got the time wrong I looked through my text messages with the womanAnd I saw that I had confirmed that I would make next Wednesday's appointmentI then started to doubt that I had spoken to her at all Do I checked my recent callsAnd there was no record of her ringing meOr be ringing herThis really freaked me out And the only conclusion I could come to was that I dreamed it There was no other explanation
This is nothing newOver the years I have often mistaken dreams for realityEspecially during the drug yearsI also have a fear of not being able to sleepThat's why I always get up really early So I will tire myself out by the end of the dayI hate sleeping inBecause then I fear I won't sleep that nightI think that harks back to my using daysAnd times when I was in withdrawalAlone At nightIn physical and mental torture And everything seems worse at night I thinkI guess there is nothing wrong with loving sleepBut as with everything There is a healthy balanceSomething that I always struggle with
I'm wondering am I the only oneWhat is your relationship with sleep like?Do you use it to escape like me?Have you ever experienced night terrors or any thing like them?I'd love to know.....