Humor Magazine

Some Skits Found While Digging In The Garage (Part One)

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

The title is pretty much the setup. I used to be in a skit group called Left of Center. We played a few bars, opened for a jazz singer…I won’t bore you with the details. It was like a hundred years ago. I was digging through the garage looking for an old Yahoo Internet Life magazine that I was in, which figures that I would be wrote up in a magazine, and it no longer publishes. I won’t bore you with why I was looking for this magazine either, but in the process of looking for this magazine, I found some old skits that the group used to perform.

(I never found the magazine.)

Side Note: While reading these, picture them being performed. It will be funnier.

Side Note 2: These are old.

Side Note 3: These will be funnier if you’re drunk. Our audience was usually drunk.

Skit Number One:

Elvis!

Announcer:  Ladies and Gentlemen…welcome to the stage by putting your hands together, and moving them back and forth…back and forth…foooooooooooooooooooor Elvis!

(Elvis walks out.)

Elvis: Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

Interviewer: Elvis, you have been gone for so long, please tell America why you decided to come back now.

Elvis: Well, I came back on a mission, a mission to save Rock-n-Roll. Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

Interviewer: Elvis, please tell us exactly how you plan to do that.

Elvis: Well, with the help of my new record company: Overdose Records, I have come to sing rock-n-roll the way it should be sung.  The way Elvis would have sung it, baby. By the way, I’m a little hungry. Do you have any fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?

Interviewer: No, Elvis. I’m afraid I do not. But why don’t you sing a little for us. I’m sure America is dying to hear you sing again. (Waves audience to clap.)

Audience:  (Claps)

Elvis: Well, OK. But it’s going to be hard on an empty stomach. (Clears his throat.) Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. This first tune was originally done by (pronounces wrong) Me-tish-e-la…

Interviewer: Um, I think that’s Metallica, Elvis.

Elvis: (A little angry) Well, yeah whatever. I’m the King, baby. Ok! Remember that — the King! Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

Interviewer:  Sorry, go ahead.

Elvis: Well, it’s called One, and I…I like it, because it reminds me of…me! I’m the one, the one King of rock-n-roll, baby! I’ll hum a few bars: (sings slow and Elvis-like.)

(singing) I can’t remember anything
If this is real or just a dream – uh huh
Hold my breath – uh as I wish for death – uh
Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh god help me – uh huh
 
Dun-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-uh huh
 
Darkness invisiting me
I cannot live, I cannot die
Landmine.
Hey, there goes an arm (Points to the left)
There goes a leg (Points to the right) uh-huh
Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.
 
Didcha notice I added a guitar solo like them Beavis and Butttface guys.
 
Interviewer: (adds quickly) Butthead.
 
Elvis: What did you call me?
 
interviewer: Never mind, I hear you have a duet with a famous rock star, sort of like what Frank Sinatra recently did.
 
Elvis: Why-uh-yes, with my good buddy Axl from Guns-n-Rosies. Come on out here Axl Rose and sing with me.
 

(Axl walks out. Elvis and Axl start to sway arm in arm.)

Elvis: (Singing) They say we are young, and we don’t know, won’t find out ’till we’ve grown…

Axl: Well, I don’t know, all that’s true, you’ve got me, and baby I’ve got you…

Elvis and Axl: Babe, I’ve got you babe, I’ve got you babe.

Axl: (Goes into a tirade) Come on Elvis, I’ll see you in the jungle baby! I’m gonna watch you bleed! Uh! (Axl runs off the stage.)

Elvis: Uh-huh. Thank you. Thank-you-very-much. I’m coming back, baby. Watch out!

Interviewer: Elvis, I also hear you’re putting out a spoken word record of some of your favorite poetry. Would you do a piece or two for us.

Elvis: I thought you would never ask, baby. Here is one about how hard, but rewarding life on the river can be. I dedicate it to everyone in Mississippi. (Pauses, looking very serious.)

Row…Row…Row…your boat…
Gently down the stream. (pauses)
Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…Merrily…
Life is but a dream

Thank you. Thank-you-very-much.

(Someone hands Elvis a towel.)

Interviewer: Uh, thank you Elvis. I know you must be going, you are a very busy entertainer…

Elvis: Wait, I’m not through yet. I’m a legend. I’ve got more baby…

Interviewer: I would like to thank Overdose Records and Elvis for coming here tonight…

Elvis: (Now being led off the stage) wait, here’s one more…Peas Porridge hot, Peas…uh-huh…

Interviewer: Join us again next folks, good night.

Announcer: (When everyone has left the stage) Ladies and Gentlemen…Elvis has left the building.

 
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