I made this as a birthday present for a friend and occasional Triathlete a while ago.
Smash It Nutrition Guide
Smash It (TM) the revolutionary new fuel source from that is going to set Heart Rates racing - Like OH MY GOD! Based on some dodgy science, words that mean nothing and then a cavalier use of percentages this superfuel will increase your ability to Smash It by 57%. Guaranteed!![1].
Pointless Comparison Table
SMASH IT
Leading Brand Detergent
Easy to Stomach
Yes
Not Advised
Essential Minerals
Yes
Unlikely
Part of your 5 a day?
Pending[2]
No
Available in most supermarkets?
Yes
Yes
Dual use – Is a source of nutrition AND can wash your clothes
Yes
No
Harnesses the unique power of the potato?
Yes
Don’t Know
Something Else that is ultimately Pointless?
YES
NO
In the beginning..
Based in nature we searched high and low for the worlds fittest hardest and downright coolest animal. We considered the Lion and Tiger, appraised the antelope and probed into the penguin. We tested the Rhino, looked up a Horse, the Giraffe was gay and obviously we didn’t forget the Elephant. But out of the animal testing zoo one animal stood alone.
The Elephant could only look on, wheezing through it’s big long snorkel nose as watched his competitor smashing it through the water with the grace of a dolphin. The Dolphin (who was really shit on the bike) looked in awe as his black and white furry rival peddled with supreme cadence to destroy the otters. The Lion nearly choked on his penguin when the invincible leader asked for the speed to be increased as he smashed it up on the treadmill. And who was this mysterious beast? Why it was the Badger of course. And what is a Badgers favourite food? Well, EVERYBODY KNOWS that….
Testimonies
“I was seriously faltering in the marathon stage. I was so smashed at T2 that I forgot to switch my Garmin from “Bike” to “Run” and my carefully programmed heart rate zones were all over the place, like my own drunken dancing I can vaguely remember from the days when I use to go out with people. One mouthful of Smash It’s creamy white goodness and I was off like a rocket, smashing it through the last 10 miles and Smashed a new PB! (12.43, Swim 1.27, T1 1.16, Bike 7.22, T2 2.32, Run 3.55, AHR 134, HRMax 178)”
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Smash It!
“I was once a slow fat long distance runner with a succession of crap times and a nauseating need to be the centre of attention. I introduced Smash It into my training programme (after of course I introduced a training programme) and never looked back. I completed my first Ironman as was ranked 17th in my category of Male, 25-34 from the London Borough of Ealing with Athsma). Results like that speak for themselves, now I don’t care about the need for attention, I am AWESOME. GO SMASH IT!!!”
“Got up at 4. Had Smash It at 4.30. Was at the start by 5. Read my blog for the continuation of this epic story”.
AeroBowl
At £249.99 for 87g this piece of kit is officially worth it’s weight in diamond. We would never think to introduce a product unless it gave you the opportunity to spend the huge amounts of money other people usually use for Christmas gifts. The Aerobowl is specifically designed for high speed mashed potato eating. It’s shape accellerates the air around it, creating a vacuum just beneath the bowl and pulling you forward further. And you can eat Smash It from it. For an extra £89.95 you can buy the heating funnel attachment, place it on the front of the bowl and after just 300k of cycling the top of your Smash It mashed potato will be toasted and crispy, just like a shepherds pie.
Coming soon – The Magic Placebo Head Band. A headband that improves your brain thinkability by 88%.
SMASH IT for GIRLSAs you know, triathlon was invented in 1983 as a way to get girls into sport. It worked a treat. At Ironman Bolton there were at least 1000 pairs of well shaven smooth legs and pert bottoms lining up at the start. It was a wonderful sight.Our scienticians have proved that if you wrap the same thing up in pink, add some folic acid and patronise them about their “busy” lives and “unique” nutritional needs then Girls will buy 2.7 times as much of anything. We acted on this research to develop “SMASH IT GIRL”, the lastest Smash It product specifically formulated for your unique nutritional needs and busy lifestyles. Another innovation in the Smash It range is Smash It On The Go - where we sell much smaller quantities of the same thing for not much discount, allowing the good people at Smash It to develop yet more things for you to buy.
Now, I know what you are all thinking. It’s every girl’s worst nightmare. “What if you are coming out of a lift and you bump into the man of your dreams he asked to borrow a pen and in haste you reach into your bag and the contents spill everywhere, including your Smash It On The Go sachets? I think a man would be intimidated by the revelation that I use high performance Triathlon Nutrition. He’d probably run away and end up getting off with that fat Sophie from procurement who spent weeks on end banging on and on about a race for life 5k she walked in 57 minutes. Bitch”. Don’t panic! Step out of Zone 5b and back into 3. We had a genius idea that will solve this problem. We made them look just like tampons! Problem solved. No men ever get intimidated by those things.
“I am a Girl which means I’m never going to understand all this complimacated science stuff, but the little sachets are SOOOO CUTE.” – A Girl
SO what are you waiting for? Get off your arse and go out and SMASH IT!!!![3]
[1] Please contact your club triathlon rep for details of the guarantee
[2] Those damn bureaucrats in Brussels are adamant that the potato is not a fruit or vegetable. This is clearly bollocks and we are going to sue them as soon as we have won the various lawsuits filed against us.
[3] Please consult your training spreadsheet before leaving the house.
