God I wished that some sort of current would come and sweep me away from this movie. It isn’t so much that the movie is good, it’s just that the potential of this movie is squandered in the most obtuse way possible that you just seethe and your disdain for the movie grows in every scene. You have Guy Ritchie, who is a fantastic director, basically trying to get Madonna to not be Madonna and act as someone other than herself. It’s a monumental task that just fucks up every aspect of this movie and its clear that Swept Away is just some big charade and excuse to send Madonna off to a mini-vacation on some gorgeous island.
Also she can’t act…at all! How she got away with Evita is beyond me, but since it was more musical and she is a musician, I guess that helped. Here, not so much.
Guy Ritchie, best known for the tough-guy crime comedies Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, goes for a change of pace with this remake of Lina Wertmuller’s 1974 comedy-drama, with his wife Madonna in tow. Amber Leighton (Madonna) is the wife of Dr. Anthony Leighton (Bruce Greenwood), the wealthy and successful head of a pharmaceutical company. While Amber seemingly leads a charmed life, it doesn’t appear to make her very happy, and she often inflicts her typically foul mood on those around her, especially the hired help. Anthony decides to surprise Amber with a cruise from Italy to Greece, with four of their friends in tow, but Amber doesn’t much care for the notion. Amber feels the yacht they’ve hired is far beneath her standards, and she makes Giuseppe (Adriano Giannini), the first mate of the crew, the primary target of her dissatisfaction. Giuseppe, an ardent leftist, feels nothing but contempt for Amber, but for the sake of his job he can’t say a word in response to her attacks. One day, Amber declines an invitation to go diving with her friends, but later changes her mind, demanding that Giuseppe take her to the underwater caves. Giuseppe warns Amber that a storm is brewing, and his prediction proves to be right on the money; soon, Amber and Giuseppe are stranded on a desert island, and suddenly they discover the tables are turned. Giuseppe, a trained fisherman and outdoorsman, knows how to survive on the island, while Amber is utterly helpless, and he forces her to cower under his commands in order to survive; before long, their mutual antagonism has begun to turn into something approaching unfettered lust. Adriano Giannini, who plays Giuseppe, is the son of Giancarlo Giannini, who played the equivalent role in Wertmuller’s original film. ~ Mark Deming, Rovi
Fuck me that is a long ass synopsis. Here is the shorter version. Bitchy, privileged white woman Madonna acts like a total bitch and bosses around everyone she can. How her husband hasn’t deserted her for someone young piece of ass is beyond me, so I care very little about her plight. Anyways, she belittles some hired help, they get stranded on an island, she becomes subservient because the taming of the shrew is such a popular thematic trope that women can get behind and the two fall in love or something. Done and done.
This isn’t so much a bad movie as it is just designed to try and make Madonna into this superstar actor which she is clearly not. Everything is put together in such a way to mask the lack of acting prowess by having other actors in some scenes, carry the particular scene while Madonna’s character just carries on. The male lead isn’t even that good of an actor as he is just there for the man meat that he is. He beats his chest, exudes the prototypical alpha male status when the scene demands it and that is all. He is about as forgettable as Madonna is which isn’t much of a stretch.
The movie is really this by the numbers romantic drama that offers nothing more than a pretty surface to look at. What kills me is that Guy Ritchie directed this tripe. Even when going off the 1974 remake template, which this movie is pretty much a scene for scene remake, Ritchie just makes sure that the movie is more of a dazzling array of picturesque shots rather than a coherent remake. The predictable falling in love scenario so groan worthy that there is no effort put into the characters. They are just pretty people who decide to fuck since they are stranded on an island. The way they fall for one another is even a bit weird since Madonna is basically brow beating and tamed as a woman, breaking her independence because the male fits this survivor, alpha male prototype, so immediately she must give into him. It’s kind of sad.
I just felt this was a completely banal movie that wasn’t even worth the film it was shot on. The characters are unlikeable, the story is just trite, the acting is non-existent and it’s sad to see Ritchie realize partway through the movie what he has created and just kind of sweeps as much as he can under the rug. It’s not offensive, just a terribly put together film that masks it’s shortcoming with predictable setups and weird musical numbers for some reason. I guess if you have Madonna in your movie then she better fucking sing cause he acting isn’t cutting it.
God of the sea, just take me now. Sweep me out to the crushing abyss.
