I am calling an audible folks, today was supposed to be about Batman and Robin, that god awful shitty pun of a movie, but I needed to talk about this movie, mainly for one particular thing that stood out from this horrific movie. I will get to that thing after the jump but suffice to say that because of my shitty movie watching experience this month, Netflix recommended this movie to me, as if guiding me towards a lower path in life. I did see this movie in the theaters, thinking that a harmless action film based on a comic book series would be at least a bit entertaining.
Well as with predictable results since it is on my shit list, the movie was a terrible, terrible failure. Almost as if some force of nature put a hex on the movie. THAT’S HOW YOU DO A PUN!
1970s-era DC antihero Jonah Hex makes his way to the big screen as co-screenwriters Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (Crank, Gamer) team to follow the disfigured gunslinger and part-time bounty hunter on his biggest adventure yet. Supernatural elements combine with Western aesthetics to take viewers on a wild and bloody ride, with Josh Brolin leading the way as Hex and John Malkovich stepping into the villainous role of Turnbull. Jimmy Hayward (Horton Hears a Who) directs. ~ Jason Buchanan, Rovi
When I was making this list, I can’t believe that this movie didn’t come up at all by the readers and even myself, a veritable encyclopedia of movies. When I rewatched this movie, I remembered why it was completely forgotten. Aside from it being an sad waste of film, the movie is probably the shortest one I have ever watched. The movie clocks in at just roughly 82 minutes, shorter than those stupid Disaster and Epic Movies, possibly on account of them wanting to be merciful to the viewer. It certainly felt like space and time folded into this even horizon where all my most horrific terrors came through my corneas at a blazing speed and thus leaving me numb to the effects of this movies trite and terrible creation. Jonah Hex isn’t even on the level of being a bad it’s good movie, it’s just bad bad bad.
With a cast like Brolin and Malkovich, I was expecting something more. With the directors of Crank at the helm, I was expecting something subversively delightful in a wicked sort of way. I didn’t give a crap about Megan Fox cause she was playing a hooker with a heart of gold or something that wasn’t a big stretch, but with all this different talent, I got a stale, dried out piece of shit movie. Not damn thing was exciting about this movie. The action scenes were brief and over before they started. The dialog might as well have been written by Fox cause it wasn’t there. Brolin is the only person giving it his all with a no-nothing script. Shit Malkovich could have just done his Teddy KGB character from Rounders and I would have at least enjoyed that much of the movie. Nope, nothing at all for the viewer to enjoy.
But now I want to talk about the part of the movie that I honestly got a laugh at because of how idiotic it was to have something like that in there in the first place. So Malkovich’s character is on a boat heading to destroy the Nations capital, because he has this ultimate weapon that Eli Whitney created (history is fun folks), so when they get into range, the target sight is in the outline of the capital building. I shit you not, the sight for the cannon is made to match the outline of the capital building. What happens if the target was in a different building? Would they need to recalibrate the cannon and put on a different sight? That is only thing that stuck out in this movie that I laughed at because of the sheer stupidity of that.
Jonah Hex is truly just a mess of a movie. At 83 minutes it seems like they chopped the fuck out of this movie from a much larger and bloated one. You have to imagine that this edited version is the one that all the suits looked at and started high-fiving one another because how amazing it was going to be. It makes me want to sit through the entire movie in its complete form to see if this is really the “best” bits from this. Sadly, this is just so forgettable that I am certain once I am done writing and posting this that I will immediately forget that it existed. For that I am thankful.