After a thorough investigation I have concluded that there are no creepy killer homicidal clowns in Rolla, Missouri. I did hear about a mime stuck in a box though that may still need assistance. – Adam Meyer
Proving once again that it’s impossible to overestimate the extent to which hysteria will spread, the Great Clown Panic of 2016 absolutely exploded this week. Less than 24 hours after “Clowning Around” was published, I had so many new clown stories that they would have dominated any single news column, and I was afraid if I divvied them up between news columns I’d soon start to fall behind and end up publishing them weeks late. So here’s another full column of clown madness, and perhaps now I’ll be able to keep up. I’m really impressed with the rate this is growing; is it wrong of me to wish that clown hysteria would overtake & replace “sex trafficking” hysteria?
Schools in Reading [Ohio] canceled classes Friday after a woman reported being attacked by a clown overnight…just hours after Colerain Township police arrested a junior high school student on charges related to an online clown-related threat…The woman told police the clown told her: “I should just kill you now” and “students and teachers (will) wish they were never born at the junior and senior high school today”…Reading schools superintendent said the homecoming parade and game will go on Friday as scheduled. The homecoming dance will still take place on Saturday, and there will be extra police at all events…
Naturally, once clown hysteria started to spread, enterprising young people started using it as a way of getting days off from school. And just as naturally, moronic adults have responded by utterly losing their shit:
…several [Austin, Texas] schools have investigated social media threats made by people dressed as clowns against the schools or claims of clown sightings on campus….Police Chief Eric Mendez described the kind of threats he’s seeing: “Some of the threats can be ‘we’ll be at your campus on this date or at this time, we’re going to be there to do harm to people, we’re going to be there to kidnap people.’” Mendez says they can’t [react like rational humans]…and have responded by beefing up security around campus….police are enlisting the help of the Austin Regional Intelligence Center, trained at tracking down terroristic threats…
This being 21st-century America, what used to be called “stupid kids being stupid” is now called “terrorism”.
…a 13-year-old girl in Virginia and a 14-year-old boy in Houston have been charged with crimes related to recent reports of scary clowns…the girl asked a person posing as a clown on social media to kill one of her teachers…[and] has been charged with one count of threatening to kill by electronic message…the boy used the image of a clown to threaten a school. He is charged with making a terroristic threat…
And it’s not only cops, but also people one would think would know better:
Philadelphia police say they have identified a 13-year-old girl who made so-called “clown threats” toward local schools…the girl told them this was a “prank” committed with a friend at her school, and she never had any intent to harm anyone…”She should pay for what she did. She should be punished,” said [a moral retard apparently interviewed at random by local news media]…Frank Farley, a psychology professor at Temple University, says a new line has been drawn when it comes to what’s considered an innocent prank. “I don’t think pranks that threaten lives are innocent anymore. This nation in 9/11 was invaded from the outside, and we’ve had terrorist incidents since then”…
Apparently, Dr. Farley is attempting to establish his expertise in psychopathology by demonstrating that he himself is a sociopath and therefore knows whereof he speaks. One has to wonder if he’s related to another sociopathic psychologist of the same name. But this article doesn’t stop with academic police-state apologists; it also reports that cops in New Jersey have blamed the hysteria on a fictional “movie production” which nobody else seems to have heard of. And naturally, cops in the vicinity of St. Louis, Missouri can’t pass up an opportunity to use their “concerns” as an excuse to threaten more people, especially kids:
In response to clown-related threats…some area school districts are adding to their security presence…Pevely Police Capt. Tony Moutray said…when police responded to one report of a clown sighting, they encountered armed “clown-hunters” who had heard about the sighting on social media…He’s planning to step up police [intimidation tactics] on Halloween…
If there really are idiots setting themselves up as “clown hunters”, there’s good reason for actual clowns to be concerned:
…In Johnstown, Pennsylvania…”members of the Classic Clowns Club have been alarmed by news reports in which police have asked anyone who sees a clown to call 911. The troupe members often travel in costume, and worry that…someone [will] notice…a van full of clowns and call…the police”…In Oakland, Maryland, the Times-News informs us, members the Ali Ghan Shrine Club’s clown unit are “giv[ing] some thought about laying low for a while.” The Shriner-clowns are still doing daytime events, but they have withdrawn from one nighttime parade and are thinking about dropping out of another.
But as so often happens, the only truly dangerous clowns are the police:
The scare has reached the point when police agencies—in this case, the Tennessee Highway Patrol—are tweeting things like this: “THP says watch for clowns trying to lure children in to the woods. They are possibly predators. Call 911…“…no one since this scare began has corroborated a single account of a clown trying to lure a kid anywhere…they said they were “promoting awareness”… In Putnam County, Florida, the sheriff’s office [posted the picture at right]…on Facebook…In Paw Paw, West Virginia…Police Chief James F. Cummings posted notices around town [saying]…”If someone sees you dressed like this they have the right to defend themselves…if you run around in a clown suit, you should probably expect for citizens to beat you (for their own protection), then get arrested by police”…
But while most cops in the country are only too happy to use clown hysteria as an excuse to threaten and arrest people or at least swagger around and pretend to be important, one single detective (Adam Meyer of Rolla, Missouri) actually took the time to investigate local reports, and didn’t even feel compelled to inflict violence on the hoaxers or otherwise “send a message” by destroying their lives:
I spoke with a young man…who claimed that he was assaulted by the crazy creepy clowns…he told me that he lied…He quickly admitted that he had not been assaulted, stabbed, threatened, mean mugged or even given a stern talking to by any clown whatsoever. He had not seen a clown, creepy or not, of any kind…I ended up tracking down the young aspiring cinematographers, who will remain nameless…the person who made the recording…introduced me to the clown who was in the video. Needless to say, I survived the encounter…They’re both just normal guys who were playing a joke on [some] girls…
Given that I’m writing this on Monday evening and you’re reading it on Friday, don’t be at all surprised if you see more reports under this heading tomorrow, and next Wednesday, and…
