See You on the Flip Side

I had my last appointment with Mary yesterday
I am officially discharged from that service
No more Mary
She wished me luck
She said that she had every confidence in me
Before I left she gave me a huge hug
I probably won't see her now for a few months but I said I would stay in touch
I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday
My Dad and I were looking at a photo on the internet and he commented that this particular girl was thinner than me
I didn't show him but I got so angry
I wanted to hop the laptop off his head
I went in to the living room and cried tears of pure temper
I was angry at him
Angry at this bloody ED
But most of all I was angry with myself
I have never felt so big
The thought of walking in to hospital at this weight is soul destroying
Even though I know it's more about my behaviours than my weight
Even though I have never been so disordered
I still feel that I'm not sick enough
Not worthy of a place in treatment
If there wasn't so much on the line I would be running in the opposite direction
I would be telling everyone to stick treatment up their ass
I would be running in to the open arms of my ED
But I can't do that now
 I know that's just the fear talking
Not at the eleventh hour
I would be letting so many people down
And most of all I would be letting myself down
I guess I am just afraid
Terrified
I am venturing in to the unknown
In to recovery
I have to keep telling myself that all I have to do is give it a shot
If I don't like it I can always go back
My ED will always be there but recovery might not
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain
This will be my last post for a while
I don't know when I will post again
Maybe at Christmas when I am home for a few days
This isn't goodbye
Not at all
More like see ya later
I started this blog just over a year ago after reading blogs for quite a while
I had no expectations when I started
I just wanted to write and connect with others like me
Overall this blog has been a positive thing in my life
There are some negatives and I will have to look at them but for the most part it's been good
I've met and befriended the most amazing people
I've had the privilege of following your stories
Of being part of your lives
We may all live in different countries and may never even meet each other
But we are all bound by a common thread
We are eating disordered
We are hurting
We are a bit lost
We fight a daily battle
Sometimes we win
Sometimes we lose
But the important thing is that we keep going
We keep hoping
We share our experiences so we don't feel so alone
And in the hope that maybe we could bring some comfort to someone in the same boat
We feel a pain that it is almost unbearable
We put ourselves, our bodies and our minds through hell every single day
But it is because we feel this pain that we are able to empathize with others
We know because we live it every day
I want you to know that it doesn't have to be this way
There is a way out
I truly believe that
I don't believe that our EDs ever go away
It will always be there
As I've often said before, I compare my ED to taming a wild animal
I can train the animal and manage the animal
But there is always the possibility that it will bite
With determination and hard work we can tame this animal
We can live our lives on our own terms
We can follow our dreams
We can learn to like and even love ourselves
We can be the people that we always wanted to be
We can do the things that we always wanted to do
It is possible
I just know it is
Please take care of yourselves
Please stay as safe as you can
I won't be here but I will be thinking of you and sending love your way
This is Ruby over and out
See you on the flip side
Your friend,
Ruby x