Saturday

Another day Another meeting Myself and Marie decided to go to the next town for our meetibg yesterday Just for a changeAnd I wanted to reconnect with people who I used to knowI moved to this area 10 years ago this summerAnd started going to meetings pretty much straight awayMostly NABut there were only two a week back thenNow there's one most daysBack then there was very few women at the meetingsDo I used to hang around with the menThere were two men in particular that I was very close toThey were in their fifties But I got on great with themOne especially became a family friend And was a great support to my mother alsoOver time o drifted away from the meetingsAnd over the next few years I was in and out of the rooms regularly
So I picked Marie up at about 7pmAnd we headed in to townWe arrived a few minutes late And skipped in to the room and in to two free chairsI recognised a couple of faces straight awayAnd whispered helloIt was only when I looked aroundThat I realised that it was all malesI suddenly had a thought that maybe this was an all male meetingI was going to ask But I figured someone would have said if it was
I sat beside a guy who I used to be great friends withHis name is DamienBack in 2007/2008 we spent a lot of time togetherIt was around then that I was hospitalised  for my anorexiaI remember Damien calling up to me every eveningHe would bring the paperAnd we would do the crosswordWe were constantly in and out of the ward going for cigarettesHim pushing me in my wheelchairAnd me in my fleecy pajamas and hat and scarf Trying to ward off the cold that had hit in to my bonesHe was a great friendBut againWe drifted apartI was slipping and slidingAnd he moved onIt was so good to see him last nightWe had a big hugAnd a quick catch up after the meetingHe asked about my mumAnd the dogsAnd we laughed about old timesIt did my soul good
It was quite nerve racking being in a meeting of all fellasAnd they were young guys tooI could feel my heart thumping in my chest as I tried to muster up the courage to speakBut I did it I shared about where I am atAnd how I'm trying to get back on track
There was one guy there who I've known on and off for years When he was sharingHe said it was really good to see meHe said that he remembered a meeting once where it was just him and meI could feel the anxiety in me risingI remember that meetingI shared something with him that I really regretI won't go in to what I said But let's just say it left me in a very vulnerable positionI had hoped this guy had forgotten about it But he obviously hasn'tIt made me feel super uncomfortable Apart from thatIt was a great meetingI really got a lot out of itIt was so lovely to see some familiar facesAnd so good to the amazing recovery that people haveI want that I want to be well so badly nowThey say in meetingsThat the only requirement is a desire to stop using and drinkingI can honestly say now That I have that desire And the more meetings I go toAnd the more I listen to others shareIt confirms in my mind that this is the right thing to doAnd I am on the right pathI just feel so blessedAnd so very lucky To have been given this second chanceAnd if a relapse was what it took to get me hereThen I can honestly say that it was worth itThey say everything happens for a reasonI subscribe to that way of thinking for sure
At the end of the meeting It was asked if anyone had any recognised clean timeOne guy had a yearAnd everyone clappedThen I was asked how long I was cleanI said three weeksAnd everyone clapped and said well doneI know three weeks isnt a long timeBut to me it's a first step
I am now a week back at meetingsAnd I am reaping the benefits in so many waysMy head is a much nicer place to be I feel so much more positiveI actually don't mind living in reality when I feel like thisI have no cravingsNo urge to drink or useNo desire to contact The BoyHe now seems like a distant memoryI have hope nowHope that there is life beyond my ED and addictionHope that I can be the person that I've always wanted to beA good person A person who does the right thingSomeone you can rely onAnd also the social side of meetings is greatI'm meeting so many peopleAnd that is great for meI was spending so much time on my ownThat I forgot how nice it feels to be around peopleTo chatTo laughTo identify and relateTo connectTo hug You can't beat that feeling And of course my feeling better has rippled out to the rest of my familyThey can see that I am making the effortAnd although they might not fully trust me yetThey can relax a little
Myself and Marie were chatting on the way home from the meetingShe really has been such a good friend to meWhen a lot of people would have nothing to do with meShe was always thereNever gave up on me That means so much to me and I am eternally grateful to herI used to wonder why I attracted unsavoury peopleCrazy peopleJunkies Trouble makersI now see that it was because like attracts likeI have out those vibesAnd so attracted those types of peopleBut now the opposite seems to be happeningI seem to be attracting good peopleHonest people And that is amazing It means that they are the kind of vibes that I am sending outThat makes me feel so happy
It's funny As quickly as life can go down hillIt can also turn around just as fastI feel hopeful nowLike I really have a chance to get my life back on trackI have been through a lot in my 33 yearsI'm lucky to have made it this far relatively unscathedI believe my struggles have a purposeI'm not entirely sure what that purpose is yetBut I'm sure if I keep doing the right thingThen more will be revealed 
Tonight Marie and I are going to another new meetingAnd I am glad to say that I am looking forward to itIt's a good day todayIt good to be alive and kickingTo feel good in myselfNow I just have to work hard to maintain this feelingI hope I can do itI think I can I really think I can