Lately I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time at the local dog park with my one year old English Bulldog. I purchased the little guy about a year ago from a local dog breeder and was under the impression that he would grow to be a slow-moving, laid back, skateboarding Youtube hero. It turns out he isn’t any of those things. In fact, if there was a Social Rulebook for dogs, there’s a good chance he’d violate every rule in the book. He runs over the yappy terriers, trips up the speedy retrievers, flings slobber on unsuspecting owners and sheds all over their kids’ clothing. So it’s with a self-admitted hypocrisy that I even propose a rule regarding dog ownership. However, the severity of my infractions pales in comparison to the breaking of the dog park’s #1 commandment – Poo Disposal.
Now generally, I enjoy the dog park experience, despite the embarrassment of owning the Dennis ‘The Menace’ of bulldogs. It’s a great excuse to spend a little time outdoors and a good opportunity to get in a little exercise by walking around the grounds. Plus, I get to watch the fat chicks make a mockery of the nearby tennis courts. And trust me, that’s always a good time. But what I don’t like – No, what I can’t stand – is the negligence of dog owners that inevitably results in me smearing shit across the treads of my new sneakers the second I take my eyes off the grass in front of me.
It’s really not that hard to pick up after your dog. Most dog parks even provide you with little disposable baggies. And the funny thing is that most of the time, dog owners tend to hover over their pets like they would their only child on his first day of Kindergarten, so not seeing it happen isn’t really an excuse. I haven’t quite figured out why dog park-goers are so overprotective, but chances are they just want to be nearby so as not to miss any compliments directed at their four-legged friend.
Labradoodle Owner: Oh, what a beautiful coat he has!
Weimaraner Owner (always with big hair and too much makeup): Actually, it’s a SHE… But, I know! Princess placed 3rd in last month’s Regional Purina “Bow Wow for Puppy Chow” Dog Show! We’re all so proud of her! We even bought her a diamond tiara to commemorate her accomplishment.
But what happens when Princess squats to drop a deuce by that tree? You guessed it. Little Miss Way-Too-Eager-To-Kiss-A-Dog-On-The-Mouth has suddenly vanished into thin air like she was Albus F’ing Dumbledore. I guess the question then is, if a dog shits in the park and nobody sees it, did it really happen?
The answer, of course, is yes…and I have the Nikes to prove it.