Humor Magazine

Rule #29 – Be Polite, Don’t Mention Height

By Don Mega
Rule #29 – Be Polite, Don’t Mention Height

Holy sh!tb@lls, you’re tall! What are you, like 6’10”!?

Did you know that height, whether incredibly tall or extremely short, is the only physical abnormality that society has no reservations about bringing up right to the person’s face? I have no idea if that’s actually true, but for the purpose of Rule #29, I’m going to pretend that it is. Seriously though, name another physical deformity that you can mention as an icebreaker without getting punched directly in the crotch.

Hey man, you’re really giving that belt a workout. You gotta be pushing 3 bills!
What is that, a flipper arm!?
Have you always had that annoying stutter?
You’re only 22 years old. Why are you already bald?
Have you ever noticed that your right arm is quite a bit longer than your left?
Why is your nose so red? Too much of the drinky drink?
Aaaarrrgh, Matey! What’s with the peg leg? Get hurt while hunting for hidden treasure?
Can you even see me with your eyes crossed like that?
Man, you sure do have a lot of moles on your face.
I’ve got one word for you: Dermatologist!

Alright, well that was a fun exercise. Okay, so maybe it’s a bit of a stretch to categorize tall and short people as deformed. But they are abnormal. If they weren’t, we wouldn’t have fifty different names to describe them – munchkins, dwarves, midgets, little people, giants, monsters, beanstalks, mammoths, freaks. This kind of silly discrimination is all around us. Just look at Randy Newman’s 1977 hit, “Short People,” which made it to #2 on the Billboard Hot 100 list, primarily because listeners misinterpreted the lyrics as an attack on the vertically-challenged (the song was actually meant to point out the absurdity of such prejudice).

I’m not saying we need to get rid of discrimination altogether. That would be ridiculous. It’s just that discrimination is at its best when it involves three men walking into a bar, not when you tactlessly blurt out, “Wow, you’re really tall!” within ten seconds of meeting someone. That’s not funny or clever. It’s just…annoying. So the next time you’re introduced to an extremely short or tall person, refrain from uttering the obvious and instead, try complimenting him on his necktie or his inviting smile. Find out what his hobbies and interests are. Learn about his family. Treat him like the fellow human being that he is.

Unless he’s a dick. Then you’re totally allowed to make fun of him.

You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Rule #17 – Cover Your Mouth

    Rule Cover Your Mouth

    Cover your mouth, ya jerk. Now, thanks to your complete lack of basic hygiene, I’ve gotta spend the next three days (the first three days of Spring, mind you)... Read more

    By  Don Mega
  • Rule #16 – The Beck/Olbermann Principle

    Rule Beck/Olbermann Principle

    The Beck/Olbermann Principle is pretty simple – By invoking the name(s) of any of the following political figures, you automatically lose your argument: Mr. Read more

    By  Don Mega
  • Rule #15 – Stop Taking Pictures of Yourself

    Rule Stop Taking Pictures Yourself

    Like most of you, I have numerous Facebook friends that I find absolutely repulsive. The only reason I remain fake friends with them is so I can keep tabs on... Read more

    By  Don Mega
  • Rule #22 – Conquer Your Lotion Addiction

    Rule Conquer Your Lotion Addiction

    I think we need to do something about this budding addiction that women seem to have with hand lotion…Lotion Devotion, if you will. Ha! See what I did there?... Read more

    By  Don Mega
  • Rule #23 – Home Brew? No Thank You

    Rule Home Brew? Thank

    So you can brew your own beer. Good for you. That doesn’t mean you have to tell me about it every five minutes. Hey look! Another status update on Gary’s Russia... Read more

    By  Don Mega
  • Rule #24 – Print to Your Heart’s Content

    Rule Print Your Heart’s Content

    You ever get these random e-mails from your business contacts that come with some tree-huggin’ slogan slapped on the end of the signature line? Thank you for... Read more

    By  Don Mega
  • Rule #25 – Enjoy a Ballgame!

    Rule Enjoy Ballgame!

    Forget the curveball, Ronnie. Give'm the heater! Opening Day. There aren’t two words in the English language that sound better. It’s the real New Year’s Day. Th... Read more

    By  Don Mega