Rock Vs. Paper Vs Scissors

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no f***ing way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of student-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating kids as they attempt to take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody, a rock would tear that s**t up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh s**t I’m sorry I thought paper would protect you, a**hole."
{Now generally when playing, according to the sissy rules… Paper beats Rock. But when I play, Rock beats Paper! Logic says so and so do I.} Have Fun!