Real Toronto Sun Headline: “Toronto Woman Wakes up to Raccoon Sex”

The Toronto Sun reports that a woman woke up at 7 am to raccoons having sex on her balcony.  Here’s an excerpt from the article:

“‘I’m an animal lover but I can’t stand this,’ she said. ‘I found it gross and disgusting.“

This is NotTheWorstNews, so we are all about helping media out. Here are 3 better headlines for this story:

1. “Dear Donald Trump: We Found Your New Speechwriter.”
2. “Animal lover surprised to learn animals not really made at Build-A-Bear Workshop.”
3. “Here’s Another Clickbait Free Toronto Sun Article. Imagine What You’d Get To Read If You Subscribed To Premium Access. More raccoon sex stories? Real news about a reporter in tears over where her career has taken her? You’ll have to pay the premium to find out, you cheapskates!”