Party Industry: Your Customer Retention Standards Are Too Low

Party industry customer service standards are important. Yes, they sure as heck are.
Hey party industry: your customer retention standards are too low.
Reader Advisory: about Party Mad Monday posts. 

What exactly does the term "customer retention" mean? 

Wikipedia states that, "Customer Retention is the activity that a selling organization undertakes in order to reduce customer defections. Successful customer retention starts with the first contact an organization has with a customer and continues throughout the entire lifetime of a relationship." That's simple and easy to understand, right? So, the question is: Why are business owners struggling to get this right? That doesn't make any sense to me. I mean... party business owners aren't doing you any favors when you pay them to work for you; not usually. Therefore, people who grandstand and act like they're "better than" are out.
And, hell... that Goethe quote is true. We are shaped and fashioned by what we love. Unfortunately, some people love money more than doing the right thing and being fair.
Don't agree with me? Don't think so? Okay. Here's the thing. It's bad enough that people are like sheep - following behind each other sheep, walking dead straight into the slaughterhouse - being led to be ripped off by opportunistic negative, greedy  businessmen... I mean, capitalist; who think absolutely nothing of screwing you, left and right.

Do me a favor. Pour me one too, while you're at it.

Sit down. Pour yourself a drink, I don't care what time of the day it is.  This is a stiff drink kind of conversation that we need to wade through, to be worked out amongst friends; like you and me.
Because you see, the lame ass party business owners who won't cut you some slack by cutting you a good deal are full of crap. They're about as bad as the Wall Street hedge fund bastards that wagered their money against the housing industry and won, and sat back buying when the bottom fell out in 2007 ans 2008. Of course, they got richer. Let's play pretend. What if every person with a party business of some sort used a completely different setup for how they offered their business to you? How would you like that? To have to hunt for a good deal is insane.

This one is for my party industry constituents, not you guys... the consumers.

I'm just going to say what a lot of you are thinking anyway.
Some people aren't going to like it. But, I'm going to keep it raw, to the point, and definitely real. 
Every time you got behind the wheel of your car to go to Party City, or some other party supply-related store, looking for something affordable and decent to use to make your private party or special corporate event appear special and nice, you incurred the cost of your precious time and the rising costs of gasoline too, of course. See what I'm getting at here? Back in the day, you had your pick of people and companies to hire. Because your dollar stretched a lot further.
Oh and gas was substantially less, too. And, the industry was different then. For one thing, we weren't constantly reminded how poor we are by being blasted with magazine and TV show images that flaunt celebrity wealth that is constantly being shoved down our throats 24/7, like we do today. It's bad enough to want to do things in a beautiful and nice way and not be able to afford everything that we want to make our party dreams come true, without seeing Oprah's parties - as well as her many "Favorite Things", that they broadcast into our homes and psyches, making us feel "less than" and wanton because we don't have the money to entertain as lavishly as she does. Eventually, you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, until someone like me comes along with a different idea for better customer-focused party experience. I mean, hell. Even lesser privileged people don't want to settle for average. Average is a standard that needs to be repealed, and that's just the way it is.
Even though... sure, there will always be drama. But you know what the acronym for drama stands for, don't you? If you don't, look to the right. You'll see what makes party business people talk "smack", as they say.
Yeah, yeah... sure, they try real hard to lash out... talking trash about what's we know in our heart's is right... as if that's the problem. You know what I'm talking about... mainly, lashing back against change that will one day be inevitable, that needs to happen.
It's because of those people (other party business owners), you know - that are different, either because their minds truly do work at an angle 90 degrees off from the norm, or because they have different selfish party-related requirements, or just out of sheer perversity they're just weird; like that, is why I'm on your side, the consumer side. You can throw your own shindig, plan and cater your own party, and do it beautifully all by yourself, too. And, if you're like 90%-some percent of the people and you do produce your own parties, well, here's the thing:
You're winning. And "they" need to get over themselves.
I'm not a big fan of theirs and I'm not rootin' for them to win, certainly. It's all about you. That's just how it is. If you're planning your own parties, I feel you on that. Do whatever the hell you want to, be creative, plan the party or wedding reception of your dreams and pull that sucker off without a hitch and piss on the standards, screw them - the party snatcher greedy, out for themselves party business owners who you don't want to spend money with. I mean... stick it to them. Power to the People, baby. And vote how you wanna, get down, and do the funky chicken, y'all. Whatever. Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. Peace pipe smoking is cool to some people. I don't smoke, nuthin'. Say yes to healthy lungs and life man.
But when you're planning to have a party, then I say... adhere to the fucking financial standards of today's consumer, party people.
Or, I promise you, I'm going round up some of the "ugly" people that I know outta Metro-Detroit and after you.
So help me God.
I am so "over" you, your ill practices, your wrong prices, your greed and self-righteousness.
I am so not kidding.
 
Attention Party Business Owners: dudes, you suck. It's pretty simple. Work hard (to not suck) and be nice to people (you know who I'm talking about... people like, consumers). Your stupid businesses suck. Your service and how you interface with consumers sucks. Your thought "process" sucks. The fact that you've decided to try to offer "discounts" and "sales" sucks. Your customer service "support" sucks. Most of your help (you know, as in "the help") sucks. Your consumer knowledge base sucks. The fact that you have over-priced your piece of crap service by roughly 1000% above what it's actually worth sucks. You are up to your stupid corporate party-necks in massive amounts of suck. If you sucked any more, it is entirely possible that the suck factor in your immediate communities would surpass the Richter scale number threshold, resulting in an earthquake of catastrophic collapse and the formation of a new huge sink hole. Because for real... you SUCK! The only reason you are still in business is because you've got a fat-cat, juicy client (or a group of them, maybe) to supply suck to - that and the fact that your chief competitor sucks even worse than you do.
Let's start with how you interface with people, with the party consumers - as noted above, sorry - they are winning/to some degree... have won/and will win. The whole vibe, look, and feel of your business is the boring ass "standard". Good for you. You learned it, and now you adhere to it. Twenty years ago, you would have been a genius. I still have a copy of the "Party Bible" around here somewhere. The fact that you bought your name and own a company does NOT make you party-brilliant. The real key to doing it right, going your own way, and being different from the "accepted standard", is that your way must be better. Ever hear of that word before; better. Your "maverick methodologies" of "discounts" and "sales" must NOT suck giant monkey turds. Yeah, yeah, I know they didn't teach that at the Party Academy. Trust me, your prof's assumed you wouldn't have to have not sucking actually spelled out for you. I am sick and tired of trying to figure out why you've hidden your brains in your idiotic, irritating lackluster non-party consumer customer service focused interface.
This is not fluff. I'm talking about human beings (people you now set yourself separate from), party business people. Your bastardization of catering is killing us. Every other party business out there, on the market - including mom and pop businesses and Subway sandwich shops, is calling themselves "caterers" and think they're the Kings and Queens of Party Planning - because they adhere to certain simple party-related "standards" to some degree. Since you are all obviously party-collar (not white collar or blue collar) retards who can't understand basic customer retention and common sense customer service without sitting in a class with a Power Point presentation, let me draw you a picture: If they need the sad-ass standards that you're serving up for their party, or any party (except yours), I'll, we'll, they'll... leave you alone and continue to click 'Delete', log off, and shut down their computers instead of honestly giving you the time of day by calling you on the phone, after looking at your spiel that you're spinning online (otherwise known as your websites). Fortunately, I know how to produce a gorgeous price-efficient and customer retention productive party. I don't have to spend twenty minutes on the phone - calling around, or in my car - riding around town looking for it, it's always in my "Help the party consumer"/help people and be better than fair, menu. Where the fuck is that information in your business? Where? This is not a rhetorical question, silly - I'd like a freakin' damn answer. And they (the party consumers, in case you've ... yet, again, purposely forgotten) would like to know, too. If simple information about what people really want is not readily obvious to you at this point, well, apparently that's a pretty good indicator as to why everything you're putting out (and offering to your customers) is "standard" issue and average. For you to have to come up with anything else; looks like is pretty much going to be a giant pain in the ass for you to do, anyway. I don't give a flying Fig Newton about your ongoing battle with bill collectors. We've all got bills too. Loser party business owners, fix your customer retention standards - and while you're at it, find something other than a "lovely tablescapes" and whatever stupid new trendy menu items you're offering (though I do get the whole "my customers think I know what's hip, cool, and that I know everything" thing connection. Ha ha! Although it's really not funny, sorry), for example - let's try using our brains for a change, realizing that people do really come first (before you can get your grubby little hands on their money, you jerks!) and before you can begin to discuss their parties, what colors they like, whether they want a theme or not, and what kind of style they like... you know, the standard for treating people graciously, and with kindness and respect for the power that they yield over your business. You dumb retards.
Oh and another thing, your business is a giant stinking pile of total festering, purulent-filled, party pontificated "standard" flatulence obviously designed and served up by you who are one of those aforementioned people-hating, angst-ridden, not wanting to admit it party-frustrated, crappy, non-caring about customer retention, whiny business owners. Have any of you ever actually tried to find anything to give to a customer, without some kind of string attached? Your customer service support system is an abomination. And somebody please explain to me what the deal is with why they're all so expensive. Why, why, why must I be the only one in your face, bringing this stuff up, asking you questions, talking about this travesty of a poor way to think that you'll widen your customer base and get new customers thing? Why is this, low customer retention standards, not on your radar, party business owner? Why isn't customer fairness and customer retention part of your "get new clients standard"? Why? Some of them would pay you for it, and want it. And I don't want to (and am not) going to screw around for years, going on and on, and on, to you about this either.
In summary, it's pretty apparent... I've jumped ship. I have no loyalty to any of your shitty party service business practices at all. You are NOT edgy mavericks! And your days of wine and roses are long gone. Instead, you're a bunch of irritating assholes. You want their business, then pull your party business heads out of you asses and get with the program.
I never liked being vague.
Guess what I spent the early morning doing?
Going over my plan to become the Empress of the Universe and conquer the world.
So if you guessed that, then you've been paying attention. Good job.
Okay.
Carry on.
Continue on with your boring regularly scheduled week, party business people.
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*****
I do this... I write to help to create to opportunities for all who choose to pursue their passion to have parties almost irregardless regard to economic constraints.
I think if we keep talking about the cost of parties (I write blog posts, you write comments), together, maybe we can break down some of the party industry's price barriers and shame some of the people who've taken your money and delivered a poor quality product right into growing a conscious and treating you right (nice thought, huh?).
Opportunities to be inspired about parties are everywhere. Yet, people looking out for your wallet are few and far between. My goal is to inspire you, causing you to question the way things are that have been the status quo for too long. When we stand together and speak up, we can be a powerful force.
Let's keep the conversation of change going. Because in the sea of everyone talking, one voice is a whisper... several voices are a scream.
Leave a comment and share your thoughts, ideas and suggestions below. Remember to be as specific as possible because what you have to say helps us all.
Always... be encouraged and encourage others too,

“Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage..” - Brené Brown
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