We’ve heard you’ve been considering creating a family, experiencing the pure joy of love wrapped in a velvety receiving blanket, embarking upon the magical journey of parenthood! Fantastic!
We realize there have been some misunderstandings regarding the perceptions and actual practice of parenthood. To clear up any confusion, we’ve asked that you please read this form, then sign and initial where indicated.
Parenthood Disclaimer and Release
Welcome! And congratulations for taking that giant leap towards parenthood! We trust you will enjoy each and every moment of this fulfilling experience, but first, it is imperative you read and understand the contents of this form.
Parenthood is a rewarding and magical experience, though is often depicted in the media as somewhat more pleasant than it can actually be. By reading and signing this form, you attest that you understand and are preparing for all aspects of the experience.
During pregnancy, you will feel compelled to create a thoughtful and comprehensive birth plan. It will be outlined, modified, shared with medical professionals, whispered about during those dreamy, pre-child bedtimes, and discussed with friends and coworkers. When you’ve finalized those plans, please go ahead and rip them up. If you have a fireplace, you will light it and throw them in. If you do not have a fireplace, you acknowledge its destruction via trash compactor, paper shredder, or small-breed dog.
When you arrive home with your new bundle of joy, car seat perfectly placed (you used the built-in level!), to your beautifully appointed nursery, you will want to begin rotating your suite of complementary nursery attire. Please initial below to acknowledge that you understand the child will wear the same onesie repeatedly, as it will be the nearest piece of clothing available to keep your child from urinating on your couch. By initialing below, you also understand that half of the clothing you’ve received will either a) be too small to fit at your child’s birth, b) will be worn 90% of the time, or c) will be forgotten on the bottom shelf of a changing table until it no longer fits the child. _______
It is also imperative that you understand terms including, but not limited to, “decorator towels”, “sports car”, “last-minute vacation”, “nightly news”, and “Swarovski Crystal” should and will be permanently stricken from your written and spoken vocabulary.
Further, you hereby acknowledge and agree to the fact that you will, without reservation, clean any manner bodily fluids deriving from every living creature in your home, from any surface in your home, including furniture, floors, toilets, and walls. You also understand that this is expected to continue for a period of approximately eighteen years.
You understand that you will not, under any circumstance, give exact times of arrival for any event, including your own child’s baptism or birthday party, because you will never arrive at that time. You may actually not arrive at all.
You acknowledge and agree that, at certain points, you will eat food that has been on the floor, after having rolled down a pair of fleece pants. You will drink various juices from sippy cups. You will eat items you would not normally eat, simply to keep them from hitting the floor.*
*We recommend adopting a dog.
Further, you acknowledge that most of your nutrition will come from caffeine and finger-sized foods. Also, any “personal time” afforded to will be spent a) in the bathroom, or b) in your car. Customary accompaniments include portable electronic devices and the above-mentioned caffeine and finger-sized foods.
You acknowledge, that at some point, you will want to murder your own, your friends, and/or your neighbors, due to a combination of sleep deprivation, malnutrition, and/or dehydration. This is completely normal.
You acknowledge that you will post not less than five (5 ) items per day regarding your child on social media, including, but not limited to, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and YouTube.
Lastly, you acknowledge that most (if not all) of your social stimulation will take place via retail store checkout lines, texting, and Pinterest. By initialing here, you acknowledge that Pinterest will not respond when you speak to it. __________
Please sign here to acknowledge you’ve read and understood the preceding items, and are ready to pursue the vocation of parenthood.
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We thank you for your cooperation. Your Cloth Diapering: Pros and Cons worksheet will be arriving in approximately six weeks.
