So hot on the Beat Boy sneakered heels of Vinny G.Something leaving the Jersey Shore half way house in a pale, girly hissy fit, the constellations are apparently all discombobulated with the news that Mike S.Something, aka The Situation, may be the next to go.
Step away from the balcony railing. Before you break out in some Seaside Sweatflops, keep in mind that Vinny has already kinda sorta come back and then left again, and now may be back again. That dude comes and goes more often than the other guys get grenade rashes. I’m thinking that Vinny probably made the 17 minute trip home (remember he was “home sick” for his bunk bed) and got a little dose of Staten Island reality. Not the Mob Wives kind, even though that is probably the only kind that would straighten out that little Jerseyized Montel Juicer. I’m thinking that after realizing he didn’t actually have a log-in password for Monster.com, he jumped back in the cab before the dashboard fare box even reset. Nobody was hiring at the Rossville Shopping Center, I guess.
So now the Sitch, as those of us in his inner circle like to refer to him, is doing the whole Don’t Need This/Moving On Dance mash up, which I hope is better than all the Young Frankenstein “Puttin’ On The Ritz” dancing he did for ABC. What was that anyway?
Maybe it was because the Pasa Doble, though a great opportunity to wear vinyl and a superhero cape, doesn’t really lend itself to fist pumping. Or maybe it was the realization that these were the first spray tanned hoochies who weren’t going home with him after the music stopped. Or maybe because it was the first time The Sitch had ever seen wooden paddles used as score cards and not as….well, paddles. Dunno. Whatever. It was greasy and messy. And brilliant TV.
But now, drumroll, The Sitch wants to focus on his brand.
(Dramatic pause to spit out my drink.) His whaaaat?
Seems his brother, instead of aspiring to greatness, is working “relentlessly” on The Situation Brand, and P.S…The Sitch doesn’t need the show, anyway. Not sure what his brand is exactly, because I’m pretty certain that the two things he is most famous for being are already branded by Masengill and Craftsman. (Think about that one for a minute, because it’s really funny. Seriously. Where else on the web can you get smack talk and brain teasers on the same link?)
If any television network offered to continually leave you bags of money behind the Tikki Bar dumpster, where you’re gonna end up anyway, would you leave that cash cow? If Home Shopping offered to put your money bags on Auto Delivery, would you open up your phone app and cancel your account? If you couldn’t get another job to save your life, would you bail? As if.
Vinny is maybe back, and The Sitch is maybe gone or maybe back. The (non) scripted drama of these two Role Models marks the longest chunk of time that anyone has gone without mentioning Snookie being face down in the sand, butt in the air and disco ball sunglasses slightly askew in the back of her Poof.
Game One goes to the boys. These fellows ain’t going anywhere, even with my advice.
Get Two Lives.