Community Magazine

One Foot in the Grave

By Rubytuesday
For the last year and a half Mary has weighed me once a week
But a few weeks ago she asked me if I would do it at home to get used to weighing myself
I wasn't too happy about it but I would try
The first time I weighed myself it took me days to muster up the courage to do it
Even thinking about weighing myself sends my heart aflutter
For a couple of weeks I managed to do it just once a week and left it at that
But in the last couple of weeks I've been weighing myself more and more and have lost 4 pounds in the process
4 pounds is not a huge loss but it's enough to give me a little buzz
A feeling of satisfaction
It's enough to make me want more
I find a loss a lot more triggering than a gain
A gain tends to send me towards food where as a loss tends to send me away from it
The high of losing is addictive
Like with drugs, you chase that high endlessly
But it's never enough
Another thing that may be contributing to my weight is the fact that I stopped taking the mirtazapine (anti depressant)
I was afraid it was making me gain weight so I haven't taken it for a few weeks
In reality though it wasn't
Seeing the numbers go down is both thrilling and terrifying
I know how this story ends
I've been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
I know the misery that this life brings but part of me is willing to put up with it if it means I get to be the weight I want to be
It's so confusing to think that the one thing that makes me feel safe, is the one thing that's killing
It just goes to show the power of eating disorders
They groom us and lure us in with false promises of happiness
It's hard to resist the promise of being beautiful and loved
I should know better
I know that these promises are complete bullshit
I know that what anorexia brings is nothing but heartache and pain
For me and everyone around me
My doctor prescribed me laxatives and suppositories a few weeks ago due to severe constipation
He also gave me some home enemas
I had never used these before and was reluctant to but I was in desperate state a few weeks ago so I tried it
It worked like a dream
I felt completely empty
Can you see where this is going?
Yes, I've been using them far more than is safe
I'm starting to rely on them
I even found myself going to different chemists to stock up
I need to tell Mary
But I'm afraid
I saw her last week and she had a serious talk with me
She said if I don't get a handle on the purging that she won't be able to see me anymore
That she can't facilitate that behaviour
The thing about this service is that if you get too ill then they won't see you
For example if your BMI goes below 16 they won't see you
This doesn't make a lot of sense to me
It sounds like a contradiction
Surely someone needs more help if they are in that state
Mary said in order to progress I need to stop purging
She made the suggestion that if I made a contract with myself that maybe that would help
So we wrote out a contract of things I had to do
Here they are
- Eat regularly
- Don't purge
- Go to a meeting
- Weigh once a week on a Monday
- No binging
- No tv until after 5pm
- Keep food log
- Don't write the day off if I'm struggling
- Ring someone if struggling
I signed the contract making a commitment to stick to these tasks
But here I am a week later and I have yet to complete one of them
I'm seeing Mary later on and I am dreading it
I feel like cancelling
I feel like never going back
I feel like holding up my white flag and surrendering
I'm so tired
Tired of fighting
Tired of losing
Tired of the constant tug of war in my head
Tired of living this way
This year I will have clocked up 13 years in the midst of this illness
13 years
They should have been the best years of my life
I should have been enjoying my youth
Spending time with friends
Getting an education
Travelling
Working
Falling in love
Laughing
Instead I have been living this half life
Stuck in this limbo
Somewhere between life and death
One foot in the grave
Every night I vow that tomorrow will be different
That I will make an effort
I promise myself that I won't waste another day to this illness
That I will do the opposite of what anorexia wants
But tomorrow never comes
I just don't know what to do anymore
I'm so confused
So lost
I don't know how to get back from this place
Do you?
One foot in the grave

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