Dining Out Magazine

OMG! Like, is That Like, Hot?

By Saratpierce
Oh friends, do I have a tale to share with you!
Z and I encountered a group of morons last Friday night that made me feel like I was back in high school. Only not really because my friends in high school didn't talk like these buffoons. And if they did they probably wouldn't have been my friends for that long. {That sounds really harsh but it will all make sense soon}
Z and I were out at Kampai hibachi and sushi celebrating my new job! {woot woot!} I'm sure you've all been to a restaurant like this, it's the kind where they cook your food in front of you.

OMG! Like, is that like, hot?

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I've always loved these places because they make me feel like a kid on an elementary school field trip. I'm still amazed at the huge bursts of fire, egg tossing and knife spinning. Plus the food is fantastic and the white seafood sauce {aka YUM YUM sauce} is to die for. Seriously, when I'm old and heading toward the light, just hook that stuff up to my IV and let me go in creamy delicious peace. MMMM Yum Yum. :)
Anyway, when we arrived at the restaurant {by motorcycle of course... so B.A.} all the tables were full and most were already cooking up a storm so we were seated at an empty table and the waitress took our drink order. We were soon joined by a woman and her squirmy little boy, about 2 years old. As she walked in and got him situated in a high chair she informed us that it was "close to his bed time". She probably wanted to warn us just in case he started screaming and decided to throw his pacifier into the fried rice. The kid was fine and barely made a peep but it was our next set of guests that had Z, myself and mama bear cringing every time they opened their mouths. 
As we sat in peace, watching the royal wedding recap {I was watching, Z was entertaining the squirmy baby with funny faces and strange noises} our moment of tranquility was suddenly breached by valley girl chit chat, annoying giggles and too-cool-for-school bad-ass bro rebuttal. Apparently Dumb, Dumber and Drunk McGee {all about 18} were the final three to complete our table for the evening. The two girls had platinum blonde hair and eyeliner so thick they made this train wreck look like make-up perfection:

OMG! Like, is that like, hot?

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They both had on SKIN TIGHT dresses and sky high heels. Their bumbling idiot of a companion looked, smelled and sounded like he'd already taken a swim in a keg of Natty Light and tried to cover it up with some cheap calogne. It was then that we knew that it was going to be an interesting night. 
When the waitress {who was a tiny mouse of a lady} came to take their drink orders the girls blurted out their diet soda requests {why was I not surprised} and Drunk McGee ordered a Sake Bomb. {so much for my quiet evening of celebration with the hubs} I had never heard of a Sake Bomb but knew it had to be bad news. For those of you who are as in the dark as I was, a Sake Bomb is basically a Jager bomb with warm Sake. It looks a little something like this:

OMG! Like, is that like, hot?

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The waitress sets the first one up for you, placing a napkin on the table in case of spillage. I'm not sure if the napkin is a normal practice or if she just had an inkling that Drunk McGee would find a way to make a mess. Either way, we watched in slight horror as the sure-to-be-catastrophe continued. McGee asked the super sweet waitress how to count to three in Japanese to make things REALLY official, and she informed him it was ichi-ni-san {itchy, knee, sahn}. Great, now the drunk smelly boy is speaking poor Japanese.
Now before I go on, there's one more detail you should know. There is one other difference between a Jager bomb and a Sake bomb. As you see in the picture, the Sake is suspended above the glass of beer by two chopsticks. With Jager bombs you drop the shot into the glass but Sake bombs require a little more SHOW. In order to get the Sake to drop in the glass, one must BANG ON THE TABLE until the vibration does it's thing. {hurray}
So. Drunk McGee YELLS for the entire restaurant to hear, "ICHY, NI, SAN" and proceeds to crash his behemoth-like fist repeatedly on the table until the chopsticks part ways and the shot drops making a fizzy mess. The blonde bimbos giggled and clapped then cheered him on as he chugged the bubbling concoction {and by chugged I mean managed to only get 1/2 in his mouth while the rest flowed down the sides of his face... keeping it classy}.
Once the excitement died down we put in our dinner order while the rest of the table continued to search the menu. Dumb and Dumber felt the need to talk the rest of us through their decision making processes as they figured out how much they would eat. 
  • "OMG, do they have sushi here? We should totally do sushi. Where's the waitress, I want sushi" -Dumb
  • "I'm getting the steak, I think. Or should I get chicken. I, like, can never decide. Maybe I'll just get both, I can totally eat both." -Dumber
  • "Doesn't the salad come with that, like, REALLY good pink dressing stuff. I think it's ginger or something. Is it ginger? That shit's my favorite, what is it?" {yes, all three of them were cursing like sailors in ear shot of the little boy at the other end of the table. His mother's eyes got bigger and bigger with each f-bomb. I'm surprised she didn't say anything.} -Dumber
  • "Yo, how much food you gettin anyways? NO way you can eat all that shit." - Drunk. McGee
  • "Oh my god, I that grill is like, really really hot. I almost touched it you guys. HAHA. What if I had touched it." - Dumber
  • "Yo, check it, it's Sake bomb time!" - Drunk McGee
Now normally when I go to these places I walk in knowing good and well that I will NOT be able to finish my meal, because it's NEVER HAPPENED. But I'm always excited that I'll have left overs for the next day's lunch! People, these girls BOTH ordered full plates of sushi with 10 rolls each and a full hibachi meal including a starter soup and salad {the ones with that 'good pink dressing stuff}. 
After they ordered things moved pretty fast. When the chef entered the room with his cart of goodies and tricks I was excited and ready to block out the idiocy beside me. That lasted about 2 seconds before dumber yelled out, "Please don't give me any of that white sauce. That stuff is nasty. I only like the brown sauce, thaaaaaanks." If I were not in such a good mood from learning of my new job I may have flown across the table to grab her and attempt to shake out the stupid. {It would have taken a LOT of shaking} The chef looked at her like the rude idiot she was, smiled, nodded and proceeded with this personalized cooking show. He was really fun and kept trying to get us to interact with him but dumb and dumber had moved on to a more important topic:
Dumber: "OMG that Asian girl wrote on your facebook wall? {yes, she said ASIAN girl}
Dumb: No, way, did she really? 
Dumber: Um, YEAH, Do you even know her? 
Dumb: No, ew. Why is she writing on my wall?
Dumber: What the hell, like, why did you accept her friend request?
Dumb: Oh my god, I don't even know. Maybe I was drunk. HAHAHAHA!
Dumber: Oh my god I was so hungover this morning. Last night was, like, totally nuts.

OMG! Like, is that like, hot?

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This conversation carried on for the next 5 minutes until the chef started chucking pieces of egg into people's mouths. He did a great job at making it look like it was part of the act but I think he was secretly trying to get them to shut up. Kudos chef man!
Once Drunk McGee had his turn at catching egg in his mouth he asked the chef if he could squirt Sake into his mouth next. Let me add that he was probably 3 Sake bombs deep at this point. At first I really thought the chef was going to do it but instead he used one of the many gag squirt bottles to fake Drunkface out. I got great pleasure out of that. 
Next up, Dumber BLURTS out at the chef, "OMG, like, where is our sushi? Shouldn't it be done by now? Isn't it supposed to come before the meal?". I swear chef man could have burned a hole in her head with the look he gave her but he shook it off, smiled and said that the sushi bar was really swamped and it should be out soon. 
 The rest of the night was as idiotic as the start, with more Sake bombs {yes, even more}, stupid comments and pictures being taken. Then Dumber saw someone she knew from across the room and proceeded to yell his name out to get his attention. He seemed to have the same number of brain cells that they did. 
Did I mention it was Dumb's birthday? Yeah, she got a {FREE} giant piece of fried ice cream cake with a candle on top, to which Dumber immediately commented on with, "Um, what the hell is that" but not before the announced that the waitress ruined the surprise by telling them they were bringing out something special for the birthday girl. {She will do great things in life} 
The moral of this story is, avoid dropping your babies on their heads in the first few years of their life, avoid eating mushrooms unless they are in the produce section of a grocery store and when that little voice in your head tells to to take a big wif of that Sharpie marker, tell it to shove off. 
Until next time...
Have you ever had to share a dinner table with the world's worst dinner guests? 

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