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Never Seen It! Sunday: Showgirls

Posted on the 29 May 2011 by Cinefilles @cinefilles

You know when you're talking to someone you think is like totally happening in a far out way and they ask if you've seen their favourite movie and you lie and say you seen "parts of it" because you don't want to seem like a total pop culture pariah? Yeah, we do too - and we hate ourselves for it! That's why we're vowing to watch at least one movie we've put off, ignored, rejected or just plain-out forgot about every week from now on. Join us every other Sunday as we recount the popping of our cinematic cherries, complete with awkward, over-analytical details!
Never Seen It! Sunday: ShowgirlsPhoto: moviegoods.com

DATE RELEASED: September 22, 1995

DATE ACTUALLY WATCHED: May 29, 2011
WHY NOW?  I've read and heard a lot more about Showgirls over the years, especially since it tops almost every best-of-the-worst list (and earned the most Razzie Award noms ever!). And as you may or may not know, bad movies are pretty much my bread and butter (See: Terribly Awesome!). But I had never actually sat down to watch it. So when new favourite Friends-ly sitcom, Happy Endings, pretty much built an extended joke around it a few weeks back, and I failed to get it, I decided it was time for us to be formerly introduced.
WHY NOT THEN?: I have wanted to see Showgirls since I heard my Mom's review of it back when it was first released: "Disgusting. Just disgusting." I mean, what could be more perversely intriguing? (Well, other than the fact that it starred Jessie Spano - known to non-Bayside Tigers as Elizabeth Berkley). If I had been at least 16 years old, when it came out, I would have been on it like Screech on Lisa in the pre-College Years. But alas, I was only 5. And thought showgirls were simply sparkly bikini-wearing beauty queens/back-up dancers.
EXPECTATIONS:
  • Jessie Spano in her birthday suit! 
  • Jessie Spano in her birthday suit, making out with that the blonde bitch's from Pretty in Pink's brunette gym class BFF!
  • Trey MacDougal being a first-class asshole.
  • Las Vegas at its absolute flashiest. Pun intended.
  • Vaseline-chic cinematography. If you've seen at least one minute of my favourite show, RuPaul's Drag Race, you know what I'm talking about.
  • Something to do with an attempted staircase murder.
  • LOTS of excessive nudity.
  • LOTS of terrible dialogue.
  • LOTS of velvet, glitter, floral, neon and leopard.
  • A back story that is best described as Burlesque with private dancers.
WHAT I ACTUALLY GOT...
  • Jessie Spano in her birthday suit - for twenty whole minutes.  
  • Jessie Spano briefly making out with that the blonde bitch's from Pretty in Pink's brunette gym class BFF (Gina Gershon)! In a floral crop top.
  • Trey MacDougal being a first-class asshole - with a mushroom cut!
  • Jake Fratelli playing a blow job-obsessed exotic dance captain/pimp who gives Elizabeth Berkley's character her first big Vegas break. 
  • A definite attempted staircase murder.
  • Lots and LOTS of excessive nudity.
  • Lots and LOTS of terrible,  writing. For example: When this dude tries to sleep with Nomi, she says she has her period. He says, "Yeah right!" She says, "Check!" He does and then says, "Hey, I've got towels!"
  • LOTS of velvet, glitter, floral, neon, leopard and pink plastic beaded curtains!
  • The best camptastic lion-cloth-featured opening who dance number since Satan's Alley .
  • A topless stud-heavy biker dance-off that could be an NC-17 cut of Gaga's next video.
  • Is that Tyce Diorio in a long caveman wig?!
  • A whole lot of love for sassy acrylic crack whore nails. 
  • Girlie bonding over a life long love of...Doggy Chow.
  • A back story that is best described as Burlesque with private dancers who double as prostitutes and the men and women that love them. 
ONE NIGHT-IN STAND OR SECOND DATE POTENTIAL? While I really did enjoy watching this trashy train wreck a lot more than I probably should have, I'm not sure if it was just bad movie lust (I've had a bit of a dry spell in terms of quality crap lately!) or love. Maybe a second viewing will do the trick? Well, once I get over seeing the woman who should have been Mrs. A.C. Slater make helpless dudes so excited and so scared at the same, really skanky time.

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