My Somewhat Snarky Oscar Predictions: Is It Too Late to Just Give Everything to “San Junipero”?

The freakin' Oscars are tonight. I've got to get my picks out asap. So, here they are [spoiler alert: I'm predicting a huge night for La La Land, aka, Academy voter catnip]:

ABOVE THE LINE CATEGORIES Best Picture

Will Win: La La Land

Should Win: La La Land (I actually think La La Land truly is worthy here, despite the inevitable post-hype pushback)

Should Have Been Nominated: Sing Street

Best Director

Will Win: Damien Chazelle

Should Win: Damien Chazelle

Should Have Been Nominated: David Mackenzie for Hell or High Water

Best Actor

Will Win: Denzel Washington

Should Win: Casey Affleck

Should Have Been Nominated: Andrew Garfield, not for Hacksaw Ridge but instead for Silence

Best Actress

Will Win: Amy Adams....what do you mean she's not nominated? Well, screw this category then. Fine. Emma Stone's clearly going to win.

Should Win: Amy Ad...wait. Not nominated. Right. Then, I actually like Stone's performance the best. Sorry Natalie Portman. I am not a Jackie fan.

Should Have Been Nominated: Probably know where I am going with this, but Amy Adams

Best Supporting Actor

Will Win: Mahershala Ali

Should Win: Michael Shannon just because his acceptance speech would probably be so weirdly intense

Should Have Been Nominated: John Goodman for 10 Cloverfield Lane

Best Supporting Actress

Will Win: Viola Davis

Should Win: Viola Davis. Honestly, this category is total bullshit. Again. Alicia Vikander had no business winning last year for what was a lead role, not supporting, and history will repeat itself this year with Viola winning a supporting award for a (truly amazing) lead performance. It's Oscar gerrymandering, I tells ya'.

Should Have Been Nominated: Gugu Mbatha-Raw for Black Mirror's "San Junipero." Wait. That's not actually a movie, and it didn't play in theater? So what! If O.J.: Made in America can be nominated for an Oscar it'll likely win then why not just run "San Junipero" in some independent movie theaters and pretend it's a standalone movie before premiering it on Netflix. I'd nominate Mbatha-Raw in a heartbeat after that. Hell, I would have nominated it for Best Picture and Best Original Screenplay and so on and so on.

Best Original Screenplay

Will Win: Manchester By the Sea

Should Win: Manchester By the Sea

Should Have Been Nominated: See what I said above about "San Junipero."

Best Adapted Screenplay

Will Win: Moonlight

Should Win: Arrival

Should Have Been Nominated: Deadpool just because of the inherent humor of a movie with such juvenile jokes being nominated for Oscar. Also, seriously, the Academy could have used the hook of "Come see if Deadpool wins...anything. Like anything at all. Even just one nomination would give us something to work with. We. Could. Not. Be. More. Desperate. For. Ratings!"

Best Animated Film

Will Win: Zootopia

Should Win: Zootopia

Should Have Been Nominated: Norm of the North just so everyone could say, "What the hell is that?" Seriously, of those not nominated, Finding Dory is likely most worthy.

Best Documentary Feature

Will Win: O.J.: Made in America

Should Win: Fire at Sea

Should Have Been Nominated: Weiner, Zero Days and so many others

Best Foreign Language Film

Will Win: The Salesman

Should Win: Toni Erdmann

BELOW THE LINE CATEGORIES Best Cinematography

Will Win: La La Land

Should Win: Silence

Best Production Design

Will Win: La La Land

Should Win: Hail, Caesar

Best Visual Effects

Will Win: Jungle Book

Should Win: Jungle Book

Should Have Been Nominated: Fantastic Beasts (less well publicized than Jungle Book is the fact that the majority of Fantastic Beasts was also just human actors on a blue screen set).

Best Costume Design

Will Win: Jackie

Should Win: Fantastic Beasts

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Will Win: Suicide Squad

Should Win: Literally anything else. Just pull the name of any blockbuster out of a hat and give the Oscar to that instead of Suicide Squad. I will not live in a world in which Suicide Squad is an Oscar-winning movie.

Best Original Score

Will Win: La La Land

Should Win: With all due respect to Arrival and Jackie (and the other two less-worthy nominees), La La Land truly does deserve to win

Best Original Song

Will Win: "City of Stars"

Should Win: "How Far I"ll Go" because Lin Manuel-Miranda will have his EGOT, dammit. Maybe not today, but some day.

Best Sound Editing

Will Win: La La Land

Should Win: Hacksaw Ridge

Best Sound Mixing

Will Win: La La Land

Should Win: La La Land

SHORT FILM CATEGORIES Best Documentary Short

Will Win: The White Helmets

Should Win: The White Helmets

Best Animated Short

Will Win: Piper (aka, the Pixar one which played before Finding Dory)

Should Win: Piper (the other four nominees leave a lot to be desired)

Best Live Action Short

Will Win: "Ennemis Interieurs" (a chilling depiction of a French-Algerian man's citizenship test quickly veering into New Age McCarthysim with Muslim in place of Communism)

Should Win: "La Femme et le TGV" (a light, but lovely story of an old French baker who finds a renewed purpose in her life after becoming pen pals with the man she believes to be the engineer of the train which passes her house two times a day)

Conclusion: I'm predicting La La Land will win 9 of its 14 nominations. Prove me wrong, Oscars. Prove me wrong.