Maya Silver was 15 when she found out her mother, Marsha Silver, had triple-negative breast cancer.
Maya co-authored a book with her dad, Marc Silver sharing information for teens and their families going through the same thing. My Parent Has Cancer and It Really Sucks (March) is the first guide written especially for the 12 million teens worldwide that have a parent fighting cancer.
Marc and Maya asked over 100 teens for their stories and questions, then combined them with expert advice from doctors and therapists, as well as their own father/daughter experiences.
As Maya tells it…
When you’re a teen, school is your J-O-B. Your life – your daily activities, your hobbies, your sports and your friends – are largely based in the locker-lined hallways you call home, Monday – Friday, 8ish-4ish.
So when your parent has cancer, how it plays out in school can kind of be a big deal. In our guide for teens, My Parent Has Cancer and It Really Sucks, we break it down into two areas:
- Keeping Up: How to keep up with work, maintain grades and communicate with teachers.
- Keeping Cool: How to do the cool stuff that lets you express yourself and enjoy yourself.
For some teens, school feels like a great escape from your family life. You get off the bus and you’re free! You can at least pretend to be cancer-free until the end of the day. For others, it’s a big stressor. Not only are you away from your family for a big chunk of time, but teachers, coaches and friends are expecting you to perform when you’re not necessarily feeling up to it.
First things first, there’s the issue of whom you want to tell at school and how you want to tell them. In the world of a teen whose parent has cancer, there are no hard and fast rules. You do what’s right for your situation. But it is helpful if at least someone knows – a trusted teacher, a friendly coach, a guidance counselor, etc. – so you have someone to turn to if things aren’t going well. It also helps to have an advocate if you are falling behind in school and need a break.
Telling one of these trusted adults at school doesn’t have to be too hard. You can pull a teacher aside after class, schedule an appointment with your guidance counselor or slip them a note. Or you can always just ask your parents to make a phone call and do the job. If you have decided to tell someone at school, they can help by checking in with you and/or your parents from time-to-time, going easy on you if grades are slipping or helping to get you out of class if the going gets tough.
If grades start to slip, see if you can get deadline extensions or make-up tests (if you had to test on a bad day) or getting shorter homework assignments. If you’re struggling with homework and mom or dad isn’t available, try reaching out to friends or friend’s parents, go see a peer tutor or stay after class with your teacher to review confusing concepts.
Outside of schoolwork, there’s the question of any and all activities you might do at school – clubs, grade government, sports, etc. While some teens might cut back in this area, others crave it more and more as a way to cope and as a distraction. Do what’s right for you. If you want to spend more time at home, your grades are slipping and you’re overwhelmed, cut back! You can always jump back in at a later point. If you’re feeling okay and if these activities are helping, maintain your current level of activity but don’t bite off more than you can chew.
Finally, “pulling a Bueller” is always an option on the table when you have a parent with cancer. Don’t be “the boy who cried cancer” and ask to stay home all the time – use it when you really need it, like if you need to skip out on a big treatment day because you want to be there with your mom or dad.
Sometimes, you might need a mental health day to avoid a breakdown at school – take it. Or if your parent’s cancer is getting worse, you might talk to your parents or school about adjusting your schedule so you can spend as much time with your parent as you can.
Marsha Silver is now cancer-free.
