Er, well, um . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . sorry, Prime Minister but, you see, it's all frightfully complicated because it's not 'goodies' versus 'baddies' (or even 'black hats' versus 'white hats' because they all wear the same ghastly tea-cloths) like it was in the old days because as far as I can see they're all more or less bad but choosing who is actually worst is quite beyond me. I mean, normally we could watch who Vlad chooses to support and then back the opposition because he always supports real villains but in Syria he seems to be backing the man who in comparison to his opponents seems really rather reasonable.
We have approached the Americans for guidance but they seem to be as clueless as confused as us. You could try a trans-Atlantic 'phone call to the President but I have it on excellent authority that now he is on the home run to retirement his sole concern is his golf handicap and it's awfully difficult to get through to him. We've asked 'C' to contact his opposite number at the CIA but he tells us that at Langley they're far too busy spying on Germany to bother with the Middle East. (NB: I wonder if they know something we don't?!)
Of course, in one sense, Prime Minister, there really isn't a problem for you to worry about. I mean, we haven't any spare cash these days and even if we had those scallywags always take the money and do the opposite of what you want. And as you know well, our army is struggling to make up enough numbers to mount the Trooping of the Colour, and as for our Navy, well, a single aircraft carrier but without planes says it all, really. So what I'm suggesting, Prime Minister, is that being unable to decide who to support is "A Good Thing" because, of course, even if we knew we couldn't actually support them anyway!
