No shitty Michael Bay Transformers, we are going back to the innocent time of 1986 when Hasbro decided to make an epic Transformers cartoon film with a truly 80s soundtrack and more “pew pew” lasers than anyone young kid could handle. While the G.I. Joe film came out after the release of Transformers, there was no denying that the potent combination of transforming robots and G.I. Joe’s were enough to send every red blooded child of the 80s into a catatonic state of euphoria. For me, when I saw this movie, I will always hold this as the truest form of entertainment in the realm of the Transformers genre. You know why this movie is held in such high regard? Well for one thing, the opening sequence is one of the most pant’s shitting moments in a kids life. Believe me when I say this, Hasbro knows how to open up a movie.
It is the year 2005. The war between The Autobots and Decepticons has escalated all the way to Cybertron, which the Decepticons have reclaimed. The Autobots, without Optimus Prime after a conflict on Earth takes his life, must now face a destiny they know nothing of. Megatron and a group of forsaken Decepticons have been reformed by the ultimate transformer, a planet consuming demon known as Unicron into even deadlier warriors. Now Galvatron, Scourge and Cyclonus must destroy The Autobot Matrix of Leadership for Unicron’s glory or suffer the horrific destruction of Cybertron. However, Optimus Prime has decreed that an Autobot will rise from his rank and use the power of The Matrix to light the darkest hour of the Autobots. With Hot Rod facing responsibility for Prime’s death, he feels he may be able to use the power of the Matrix to turn the tide of the Cybertronian Wars and stop Unicron. Until all are one, the future of the Autobots and Decepticons is uncertain. (source)
Here is how you open up a movie, much like how GI Joe opened up their cartoon film with an all out assault on the Statue of Liberty, Transformers terrified us with a being simply known as Unicron:
What the fuck?! A giant, mechanized planet whose sole purpose to destroy the other planets of transformer beings. How the fuck do you stop that? I am pretty sure I felt terror course through my veins the first time I saw Unicron appear on screen. It’s the Galactus of the Transformers world, a giant planet eating planet that made short work of a terribly under-prepared planet with the shittiest early warning detection grids in the universe. You know, they deserve to be eaten cause frankly, if you can’t tell that mecha planet, which they knew by name mind you, is just outside your doorstep until he turns on the tractor beam, then you deserve to be wiped off the map. Call it heartless, but now that I look back on that scene, they were the weaker planet of the system.
Aside from Unicron, who is voiced by Orson Welles, this was a pretty violent cartoon. I chide GI Joe for being violent for kids, but the worse thing that happens in that show is robot who don’t talk, get shot by the Joe’s and everyone retreats. Not this movie, Transformers basically starts the sentient robot cleansing early on and doesn’t stop. Hell, Optimus Prime bites the big one and that got every child in America to start crying. That was one the level of your favorite dog passing away. They were not pulling any punches and it was glorious.
I enjoyed the hell the out of this movie, even more so since I bought the newly released, remastered version of the film a while back. It still amazes me the talent of the voice work that is present and even to this day, Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime is one of the more iconic voices in my childhood. It’s got that campy rock soundtrack that is pure synth and 80s aquatnet hairspray, but it all adds to the charm of this film. Watch the true Transformers movie instead of the Baytastic version.
