Monday 8 February

Monday morning againGosh it comes around very quicklyOver the last couple of weeks We have acquired a new passenger on our weekly trip to the doctorMy neighbor now comes with usAs she had an appointment We joked this morning that soon we'll need to hire a mini bus for our little outing!So we all piled in to my mothers little Toyota YarisNo dogs this morning As it was pouring rainAnd headed for the doctors Both mine and my neighbours appointment was at 9amWe arrived on time And I was called in before I even sat downAnd my neighbor took a seatMy usual doctor is off this weekSo I saw Nice Woman Doctor instead She is lovely I gave her a quick synopsis of the past couple of months We had a good chat She asked me if I have given up hopeI said I hadn't And I haven't I firmly believe I will get back on track I have to What is the alternative?Lie down and give up?NoI don't think soAt least not yet anyway
I came out of the doctors And my neighbor was still waiting She hadn't been seen yet Just thenThe receptionist called us to tell us that her doctor was delayed due to car trouble I decided to go on up to the pharmacy And get that much done I was gone about 15 minutes When I went back down to the surgeryMy neighbor was still there Apparently An emergency had come in So we were further delayed A few minutes later We saw a child coming out with what looked like lotion all over his faceIt must have been a burnHe was crying so hard Eventually my neighbor was called inAnd I went out to wait in the carAbout twenty minutes laterMy neighbor emerged from the surgeryAnd we set off for home 
Yesterday was a tough day I hate Sunday's anyway But we had house full of visitors As it was my sisters birthday
And at the moment That is difficult When I am well I love having people in the house But when I am struggling It's not so easy When my mother gave me my medication in the morningI noticed that she had accidentially given me more than was neededBecause I was feeling anxious I took more than was prescribedIt was only after taking the pillsThat I saw they were out of dateI took five of them Not with the intention of overdosingI just wanted to sleepTo escape To check out of reality for a whileIt wasn't long before I began to feel drowsyAnd a bit out of itI retreated to my bedroom And got in to bed Telling the others I felt unwell Which I did I slept for about three hours And got up to have dinner with my familyI don't know what it is But I've been feeling like an outsider on my family recently I feel like I am on the outside looking ExcludedNot part of thingsI must stress that it's nothing that my family is doingIt's just indicative of my mental state at the moment My mood is low And with that My confidence and self esteem are in my boots It's hard to get involved in the family when I am feeling like this I just wanted to be aloneAnd be out of itThat is the ugly truthWe played a family game in the eveningCalled My dysfunctional familyIt was a laugh But it was a forced laugh on my partSome of the visitors left in the evening mI had a shower And got in to my pyjamasI was relieved the day was nearly over
I weighed myself when I woke up this morning Just out of curiosity After a month of being the same weightThe numbers finally moved And I lost weight Usually I'd get a little buzz out of that But this morning I felt nothingAbsolutely nothing 
Time is going by so very quicklyIt's scary how fast the years go byI turn 35 this SeptemberI swear I feel no more than 21Yet a feel like I've lived so many different lives I keep hearing the interviewer from my job Telling me that I had a very 'interesting existence'I guess I have My life has not been easyBut I still feel blessed for everything I have And I know if I want more I have to bloody well work for itI have so many dreams and ideas That I don't know where to start I know if I put all my time and energy in to something worthwhileAs much energy as I put in to self destructing Then I might have a fighting chance at a good lifeI went to such great lengths in my addiction and ED I literally would have done anything for the drug and to lose weight And by all rightsI should be willing to do anything for my recovery But as you know It's not easy Life itself is not easy Never mind with an ED and opiate addiction Everyone has bumps in the road Everyone has a story to tellI am no different The only difference is that I choose to write publicly about itAnd reach out to others
I believe I will come through this I believe that eventually I will put my issues behind meOr at the very least learn how to manage them so i have some semblance of a normal life I have to believe this I can picture it so vividly Being wellHaving my own place Studying Working Friends Boyfriends Fun Laughter Hard workAnd hard play It's all so close I can almost taste itIt's there for meI just need to reach out and grab itAnd it's that leap of faith that is so very hard We all have a comfort zone Which of course is safe and comfortable We could stay there for the rest of our lives Content But there is so much to gain by moving out of that zoneYes it's difficult to push past itIt's uncomfortable Scary It's venturing in to the unknown But the rewards are greatIf we can just push the boundaries There is so much to gain And I know that is exactly what I need to do, if I want to recoverI do try to step outside my comfort zone But I know there is so much more I could be doing It's baby steps Baby steps all the way 
I wish you a good day today I wish you health and happiness and laughter and funI appreciate your reading and supporting my blog I would be lost without you...