Monday

Gosh Monday morning comes around very quicklyWe watched the Wimbledon men's final yesterday Although I slept through most of itAs the antics of the weekend caught up on meMy Dad was minding my dogsSo we arrived home early eveningThe dogs went nuts when we came in to the house They gave us such a warm welcomeAnd then conked out in their beds for the nightI had a showerGot in to my pyjamasAnd settled down for the nightIt wasn't long before I was asleep again on the couchIn fact I don't even remember going to bedAll too soon it was morning And time to get up
I sat in the waiting room of the doctors for over half an hour before I was called inWhen I was We talked about various things Including the weatherHis golf gameAnd of course the tennisHe didn't mention my blog this weekSo I am taking it that he didn't read itThank GodHe mentioned reducing my methadone e againI asked if we could wait another weekHe agreed I was relieved He said next week for sure thoughBecause we have lost so much groundBut I know full well that next week I'll be asking him to wait another weekThe truth is That I am I no hurry to come off the methadoneIt really wouldn't bother me if I was on it for the rest of my lifeI shit you not My mind and body are so used to itTaking my methadone is the first thing I do every morning I can't imagine life without itAnd quite frankly I don't want toI know it's not healthyI know I should be trying hard to come off itBut I am on it over ten years nowIt's in my bones by this stageIt's an integral part of my lifeEven the routine of going to the doctor every Monday morning is ingrained in meI know I should probably be more enthusiastic about coming off itAbout being truly clean and soberBut I'm notAnd I don't And I don't know if that will ever change
The things is That I am on quite a lot of medsAnd combining them all together Even just one days doseIs enough to get me slightly out of my head Enough to make me sleepy and groggyAnd I love that feeling And the other thing isThat now my high is legalIt's prescribedI'm supposed to take itSo there is none of the scrimping and savingAnd ducking and diving that goes along with heroin or any other drugAnd it's freeI don't have to steal to get money for my drugIt's handed to me legally Over a shop counter So where is the onus to get clean?Well when getting my drug is this easyThere really is noneThe truth is That I am comfortable where I amComfortably numb to quote Pink FloydI have all the benefits of the drugWith none of the negative consequencesI have a constant and steady supply of medsThey cost me less than ten euros a monthI'm trusted to take a weeks meds at a timeAnd that suits me just fine
But the thing isThat although I am perfectly fine to stay where I amMy doctor is on a mission to get me off it completely If it was up to himI would have been off it years agoBut like with an addictionThere have been many slips over the years And I've have to stall the reductionAnd sometimes increase itIt's like I am digging my heels inAnd refusing to go quietly I am probably the Bain of my doctors lifeAs I always put up a fightAnd I know how to get around him I know it's not fairI know I should co-operate more with himBut the addict in me is a powerful thingAnd more often than not wins the argument
With meIt's a mental thing Taking my methadone is as much psychologicalAs it is physical The act of taking itDrinking it every morning Is enough to ease my mindJust knowing that it's on it's way in to my blood streamQuells my anxiety If for some reason I have to take my methadone late Or I am held up in getting my medsI feel like I immediately go in to withdrawal Even though realistically I probably wouldn't go in to withdrawal until 48 hours laterI still imagine that I have I once heard of a girl who was on two and a half mls of methadone Now that is most definitely a mental thingTwo and a half mls is nothingHeck it would stick to the side of the bottle as you drank it
In other newsI haven't heard from my friend since last weekI don't quite know where to go from hereShould I cut her out of my life?Cut my losses and move onOr should I get over itHave a conversation with her And try and stay friends? I'm not sure what to do reallyBut I feel no urge to contact her at the moment So I won't 
Well folksThat's all from me today See you on the next post.....