See? All this talk about giving each other fat lips has hurt her feelings. Happy now?
You want maybe I should throw some Gangsta Rap beats down on yo’ head?
Yeah? Well anybody else here have a book AND two huge shelves like these to put it on?
Mob Wives: Chicago? Seriously? Those bitches wish.
I’m about to go all Star Jones on somebody’s a** if they don’t sit down.
Dear Wendy Williams:
You can have your old gig back. These bitches are (bleeped) up.
I’m outta here.
Sincerely, Joy Behar.
……………………………
It was Round Two of the Mob Wives Reunion Rumble, and poor Joy was in so far over her Sally Jesse Raphael wannabe head that I expected Barbara Walters to swoop in at any minute and carry her off the set before she ruined all of The View’s Tough Chick street cred.
It’s one thing to bully Hollywood celebrities and any politicians that go up against the Behar Beliefs, but when it comes to holding down Drita D’Avanzo and Ramona Rizzo, Joy should have just packed up her stuff and left early to beat traffic.
This week picked right up where we left the Wives last week, with everyone in one chaotic pig pile trying to keep Drita and Ramona from latching on to the meaty part of each other’s necks.
Instead of discussing what went down at Renee’s Celebration of Life rooftop party, the two Wives had decided to attempt a bloody reenactment and everyone from cameramen to makeup girls to the poor schmo from Poland Springs who just happened to be delivering water bottles for the kraft table were all called in to keep them separated in the middle of the studio.
As Joy sat comfortably back in her chair (…they don’t stand up for nuthin on The View except free food and Patti LaBelle performances, thank you…) everyone else ran around like Ricky And Fred when Lucy’s water broke.
Renee continued bellowing her NoNoNoNo war cry while Karen tried to block Ramona’s tackle. Everyone was (bleepin’) and screaming and screaming and (bleepin’) as Drita tried unsuccessfully to exit the set with all her extensions and animal print press-on nails still attached.
Maybe it was just me, but I swear that one cameraman was actually Joey Fatone, which could be very possible considering no one has really seen much of him since that freaky light saber tango on Dancing With The Stars. Joey and Jennifer Graziano cut off the stampede like Red Rover Olympians, which finally allowed Drita to scoot behind the cameras and cool off before returning to the couch.
When Drita was securely strapped down, Joey went back behind the camera to sulk about the whole Justin Timberlake superstardom thing. Ramona went back to her opposite corner and did that tongue across her teeth thing that she always does when she is pissed off, and Joy tried to regain control of her show.
With much the same tone, and with basically the same results that one would expect when you tell a newborn puppy not to pee on the carpet, Joy told Drita and Ramona to sit down and not get up.
Good luck with that.
I think you can imagine how successfully that one went over, as Ramona accused Drita of ‘taking off like a G6′ when they saw each other in Las Vegas.
For those of you less versed in hip hop terminology, Ramona pretty much called out Drita for being chicken s***, which I’m pretty sure you don’t want to do when she is within spitting distance of your face.
That ignited a whole (bleepin’) Single White Female throw down over who copied who and who’s a crumb snatcher and who’s just a bitch trying to jump another bitch on the roof. There was also a highly elevated discussion regarding the compromise of the Inner Circle, and who should just go back to East Arabia or wherever the (bleep) you came from, bitch.
There was generally just a lot of bitching about who came into the Staten Island Mob World first. Picture the Chicken vs. The Egg argument, but with stilettos and bling and the word bitch used too much.
Next on the index card was a segue to Karen and Drita’s dysfunctional relationship.
Since I don’t fully believe that Joy Behar has ever watched an episode of this show, I’m sure that the cards must have come in pretty handy.
As Karen sucked in her newly thinned down cheekbones, we got to relive their tumultuous on again/off again friendship. They’ve shared many experiences. Many highs, many lows and quite possibly…many men.
But luckily, and I speak for anyone out there with eyes or any other working senses, they never shared that Macy’s Moment.
Yeah. That one.
The one where Karen told us what Drita could do to her in front of Macy’s.
I still can’t watch the Macy’s Parade without wondering if one of the clowns holding the Snoopy string is going to step in something sticky and cause the balloon to careen off course, possibly injuring hundreds of innocent kids who came in on a New Jersey YMCA bus trip. Even though she didn’t go through with it, Karen has forever scarred me on Thanksgiving.
I can’t even spoon the stuffing out of the bird without getting car sick.
Moving on.
Next it was our boost of testosterone as Joe Ferragamo and Dave Seabrook joined the party.
Joy welcomed the fellows with a hilariously uncomfortable ‘Welcome Felons’ and some polite laughter, most likely after confirming that the metal detectors were still plugged in back stage, then proceeded to ask the boys what crimes got them sent to jail in the first place.
Joe flexed his dimples and proudly listed off a resume page full of money crimes, while Dave just responded with ‘Lots.’
After Karen squirmed a little, Dave calmed everyone down by reassuring them that it was only attempted murder…not real murder. Relax, people.
Phew. At least it was only attempted.
Cue the romance montage.
It was a Hallmark moment as we watched my TV girlfriend Big Ang talk smack about her sanitation worker husband. He may cheat and stay out all night, but the guy looks like Russell Crowe and has a pension.
Ok. Hold up for just a second.
I don’t even think the guy who picks up the trash in the Hamptons could look like Russell Crowe, so I think the pension may be clouding her vision.
If a guy looked like Russell Crowe, chances are he would be doing something besides picking up recyclables every other Tuesday…or he would actually be Russell Crowe.
But I still love me some Big Ang, even when she is delusional.
The flashbacks also showed us Carla and Joe’s strange relationship, which came complete with marital infidelity, a new third wheel younger girlfriend and Carla’s hands off me, dude policy.
Someday we’ll hopefully get to find out how Joe learned to be such a horny tease behind prison walls, but probably not anytime soon. So for now it’s simply left to our imaginations, hotel room pay-per-views and any random off color stories I may choose to fabricate.
Dave and Karen tripped over each other a little when asked what was going to happen with little Karina. Karen’s daughter is apparently in limbo, since Dave will be returning to Arizona while Karen remains on the East Coast.
Though they couldn’t agree on something as insignificant as child care, they were both clearly on the same page when it came to knockin’ boots behind closed doors.
Karen again praised Dave’s bedroom swagger, which sent all the other Wives off on a school girl tangent trying to come up with as many synonyms for doing the nasty as they could before the next commercial break.
It’s probably a safe bet that both Joy and Joey Fatone wanted to just get up and leave right about the time that Ramona came up with the ‘laying down the pipe’ visual and Renee spit her gum out onto that gigantic Ikea rug.
Joy fumbled her way around some more romance talk as we learned that the fake Russell Crowe can really get it down in the bedroom, which I found kind of strange since that is the opposite of what he should be doing, correct? But it made Big Ang do her Herman Munster again and I love every quart of saline in her body, so it’s all good.
In what will probably be the most Googled question of the entire two weeks of drama, Joy asked Ramona straight up about her incarcerated boyfriend Joe.
(I’ve lost track of how many Joe’s and AJ’s are on this show. Don’t waste your time emailing me. Between the Mob and the Giudices, I can’t keep up anymore.)
We finally got his name, which was a start. But Ramona was still vague on why Joe was pulled over on the highway by 7 police cars and never heard from again. Everyone looked around the room at each other like you do on an elevator when you smell something funny, and then the discussion was over.
Renee broke the tension by announcing that she loves the criminals. They have financial stability. When they lose their job, they can still provide for their family.
Honestly, at that point, I wasn’t sure if Renee’s meds had just kicked in or just worn off.
Luckily before Renee could ramble on any longer, my TV Lover Big Ang took over and gave us some details on her arrest for possession and selling of cocaine way back in the day. It was a sordid tale of betrayal by her then BFF who had been wired up, à la Junior’s Dick Tracy watch, and sold her down the river to the Feds.
Big Ang even had to be clamped into one of those Lindsay Lohan ankle bracelets during her house arrest, and she vowed to never be a Rat after that experience.
Then we went around the room so everyone could brag about their arrest record, and the process somehow made Carla look like the odd one out for never having been fingerprinted. It was another one of those classic Mob Wives Moments when you’re not sure they know that being arrested is a bad thing, at least according to most job application forms.
But then Big Ang laughed again, and suddenly everything seemed ok.
For some comic relief, Joy turned on the official Mob Wives Swear Counter and ran through a season’s worth of Renee’s potty mouth as numbers flew by like we were at the Indy 500. I thought for certain this would be a 3 hour show until they sped up the counter and we tallied up 407 times this season that someone had to (bleep) out Renee’s (bleepin’ bleeps.)
Can you imagine the intern who drew that short straw and had to sit threw an entire season’s worth of reels with one of those hand clickers they use to count grocery store customers?
Talk about carpal tunnel in one week.
I feel sorry for whoever that was, because their cramped hands will probably never recover enough to snap and clap along with the gangsta rappin’ stylings of Drita and her Bad Boy music video, which we revisited next.
Drita spit the beats and robbed the bank like a pro, and even gave the Mob Wives a mention in her rap. Karen claimed that the line about ‘crickets chirping’ was a dig at all the gossipy Wives, but Drita shot back that it was only a generalization against all the gossipy haters out there in Staten Island.
Sensing another rumble, Joy quickly shifted gears to Karen’s Mob Daughter book, which had so far hogged 7 weeks on the NYT Best Sellers list. It probably could have hogged another week if Drita had bought a copy, but she was quick to mention that she hadn’t read it and clearly had no intention of reading the rag.
Then the crickets were back again. But this time they were silent as Karen glared at Drita and everyone took one step closer just in case they had to run defense on the floor again.
But everyone remained seated, and the show finished off with one last attempt to stir up the Drita vs. Ramona feud.
The phrase was ‘agree to keep it cordial.’
Which in Mob Wives lingo means ‘I’ll kick your a** next season.’
When Renee dropped to her knees in a Staten Island Halleloo, it looked more like she was ducking out of the line of fire than actual thanking Baby Jesus.
Trust me. It ain’t over till the Fat Lady sings.
Or when she goes over the rooftop railing and lands on the hood of a passing taxi.
See you next season.
I’ll be throwing down with the bitches in Chicago if you need me.
