How about I save us all some time and just slap the stupid right out of you?
You just keep talkin’ Renee. Got a little leftover Ragu right up here I’ve been saving for a moment just like this.
I swear, the only thing worse than two nitwits is a bunch of two nitwits. Because that’s more than two.
You’re a Silent Partner. And by the time I’m done you’re gonna wish you were a Deaf one, too.
Seriously? I’m the only one who can keep my tongue in my mouth? Suck on that, haters.
I love me some Leah DeSimone.
Second only to Big Ang on my Reality TV Girlfriend Bucket List, Leah has definitely got it goin’ on.
Not only is Leah blessed with the fashion sense of a Solid Gold Dancer and the wildly coiffured mane of a Tim Burton claymation character (…which I truly believe could live on and regenerate as its own life source if, God forbid, Leah was ever be hit by a bus on Taylor Street…) but she is also obviously blessed with the patience of one of those Street Fair Saints that everyone always salutes with fried dough and sausage towards the end of the Summer.
She has to be.
How else could she survive this long without smacking one of these girls upside the head? Twice, even.
As a matter of fact, without going to the DVR I believe she is the only Mob Wife in the entire franchise, aside from my soon-to-be Monkey Bar lover Ang, who hasn’t hauled off and cold cocked somebody yet.
Don’t get me wrong. She’s come close. There have been a number of times when I thought Leah would make the transition from Goombaladoinka sock puppet hands to full on neck throttle, but it never happened.
And if it ever does get to the point of a throw down, I really believe that her super powered hair will do all the heavy lifting…swinging and flinging Mob Wife a** all over the street like some pissed off Italian Medusa while Leah just kicks back and files her nails.
I know you can totally picture that in your head.
Memo to Madison Avenue: Leah needs her own Marvel comic book, asap.
Mob Wives: Chicago once again tested Leah’s superior physical and follicle restraint this week by unleashing yet another round of drama that kicked in as soon as the opening credits rolled.
As a show of solidarity and support for Leah’s Mom Jacquie (…cutest, most huggable Mom evah next to mine…) the girls all gathered for the Y-Me Race at your Pace to raise money for breast cancer research. It is an annual walk/race/strut event in Chicago, and was an opportunity to wear some pink and come together as one against this disease.
Unfortunately, it didn’t appear that Renee and Pia had time to read the flyer completely, because they totally missed the paragraph about coming together as one.
Prior to the event, Renee had made it clear that she did not want to be anywhere near whackadoodle Nora since the two of them were still in the midst of their pissing contest over who said what to whom at Christina‘s party way back when. (The party where Renee ended up on all fours like a noisy leashed up dog barking at the mailman, while Nora accused Renee’s Dad of some nasty shizzle. That party.)
As Leah waited nervously for everyone to show up, I was so distracted by her platform sneaker/boot things that I almost forgot why they were walking in the first place.
How did I know that Leah didn’t own a pair of Chuck Taylors? Given the fact that I can barely go from the taxi to the nightclub coat check girl without my feet hurting, I have to salute Leah for hitting the hot pavement in Lady Gaga shoes.
I bow to her awesomeness. And her blister bandaids.
As soon as everyone showed up in their Y-Me colors, Renee and Pia split off from the pack like two rogue triathletes, leaving Leah, Nora and Christina in their pink dust.
Nora was not amused, and made note that Renee and Pia were like “a bunch of two nitwits” which I believe should still equal two if you do the math correctly.
Pia’s finely tuned hearing, which apparently can now pick up human voices and dog whistles at a good half mile away, allowed her to listen in on Nora’s whiney conversation until it made the hair on her neck stand up. As Pia and her newly christened BFF Renee linked arms and headed off to see the Wizard, Pia made note that Nora’s “voice radiates through me,” which in hindsight is probably not something that anyone should utter when surrounded by women who just completed their third round of chemo.
Think first. Then speak. Just throwing that out there, girls.
After the walk was over and the Wizard had apologized for being flat out of Brains to hand out, Pia and Renee again joined arms and hit the Spa for some Botox.
As you will remember, Pia had recently given up the Pole and was moving her career in another direction, which in the MobWives World usually means modeling or gangsta rap. And since there ain’t nobody (…myself included, thank you…) who gotz the cojones to get all up in Drita D’Avanzo‘s hip hop turf…Pia went the safer route and chose modeling.
Lucky for Pia, her stiletto wearing BFF Deanna was available to immediately hook her up, since any good Life Coach has a soft focus photographer, makeup artist and stylist on speed dial.
Seriously. You’re an agent. Or a consultant. Or a Color Me Beautiful cosmetician at Neiman’s. Whatever. I understand your business cards were printed incorrectly, but you do photo shoots and wardrobe analysis.
Own it, or do an informercial and prove us all wrong.
Because next to Drita, Tony Robbins is the last person I would want to go up against.
He’ll totally Unleash The Giant Within DVD on your a**. And he’s like 9 feet tall.
Next we jumped across town for some snacks with Leah, Christina and Nora.
Christina was having some issues with the fact that Renee and Pia had become so tight, so quickly. They even had little pet names for each other like some kind of Secret ChiTown Sorority or something, which really got under her skin.
Leah didn’t want to brag, but apparently amidst all the drama she had still found time to run one leg of the Olympic Torch Relay when it came through Chicago. Did you see those earrings?
If I’m lying, I’m dying. They were crafted from the same gold mesh that David Beckham was carrying when he jumped out of that speedboat all misty and sexy faced.
One flick of her Bic and Ryan Seacrest would have had to go online and completely change his AA TripTik for the Opening Ceremonies.
Love. Her.
Finally Pia was ready for her closeup.
The Tony Robbins photo shoot was in full swing. Deanna wanted the shots to be sexy, sophisticated, healthy and prosperous. She also wanted to jump on the bed and into every shot from what I could see, but Pia managed to fend her off and make it her own.
I’ll give Pia credit. She cleaned up better than that scruffy KIA did a few weeks back.
Oh snap.
Yeah. I went there. Again.
And now I don’t even have to mention the fact that Pia later gave her daughter her 11 year old Ford Focus as a birthday present. You can make up your own story for that one. I really, really, honestly like Pia…but, c’mon.
Since I’m now going to get hate mail for bringing up the KIA…again…I’ll let you DVR the photo shoot and check it out on your own. Just pay attention to her implants, her skimpy lingerie and that lazy left eye, which in her defense I never saw…but the photographer kept mentioning it like it had popped completely out of her skull.
Renee showed up in the middle of the shoot, since that is what Besties do, and for the first time I really noticed that Ms. Fecarotta Russo has a ring to match every outfit.
Check it out. She had an orange one on. Next outfit…different ring. Outfit after that…another ring. Rewind. That outfit…another ring. All color coordinated like they hang in ziplock Baggies clipped to each outfit, the way Martha Stewart says it should be done.
Don’t ask why I know that. I just do.
Next day, next ring…Renee was waiting at her apartment for her Starbucks boyfriend, Dave Giangrande to show up so they could discuss his recent behavior. Or more like so Dave could just sit there and listen to Renee. Semantics.
As soon as the dude walked in he was jumped, and Roid Rage Barbie was on him like that thing in the Alien movies that sucks to your face.
Dave had not supported Renee during the recent custody battle and then put the final nail in his coffin by no-showing for a date and calling the cops on her brother Frankie.
He also does that same nervous tongue thing that Nora does when she’s under pressure which has got to bug Renee a little. It’s kinda like the Geico Insurance mascot, but not as cute without the Aussie accent.
And yes, Frankie still reminds me of somebody but I still can’t figure out who that is, and the mystery is taking up way too much of my free time.
Some alert readers feel that it’s James Franco. But not the Planet of the Apes one, or the General Hospital one.
I dunno.
I should make it a game or something, but since I’m not making any real money off this site yet, I can’t afford a prize. So just talk amongst yourself until I can sell ad space or some media mogul Googles “Honey Boo Boo Child” and immediately wants to get on the ground floor and invest in the site that will eventually bring down Perez Hilton.
What?
Tony Robbins was just on QVC and said it was gonna happen. Well, he implied it anyways. And is it just me, or is his goatee a little odd?
After some (bleeps) and FBombs, Dave waved the white flag and told Renee he had tickets to somewhere or another and they should go away and make it all better. Then he sealed the deal with a face squoosh, a sloppy Frat House kiss and a heartfelt “Don’t be F***ing Stupid.”
Just like a Shakespeare romance, bitch.
Then it was time for a job interview.
While shopping with Leah, Christina had picked up the contact information for an up and coming local designer named Anastasia (…since they’re never named Sue or Ethel…) and had managed to score a meeting about a possible internship.
Anastasia was exactly what you would picture an up and coming designer named Anastasia to look like, complete with a quirky fashion sense and a whacky sidekick in a bow tie who just sat there in dead silence looking all fierce.
Tapping on her iPad, Anastasia asked Christina hard hitting questions about poly cotton blends, Project Runway and Alexander McQueen, only pausing once when it became glaringly apparent that Christina had confused Alexander with Steve and that “the guy in The Towering Inferno movie” was not the answer she was looking for.
Bow Tie Guy almost blacked out from his own fabulousness.
But somehow Christina got the job. So she’s in! Go you. Good luck, TeamC!
More proof that Tony Robbins exists.
Leah and Pia met up later on to hash out more of the party fallout and the Y-Me drama at an outdoor patio. To prevent a potential burst of a cranial artery while trying to talk some sense into Pia, Leah had strapped down her head in a wicked striped scarf number and some big sunglasses and began to lay down some Goombalike wisdom on Pia. Or at least she tried.
Pia jumped right down her throat and proved that she had been taking private lessons with her Bestie ReeRee on the Art of Getting In The First Punch. Leah got a little heated. Pia got a little heated, or at least I think she did. The Botox made it hard to tell.
As much as I love Leah, I love her more when she’s blowing a nutty. My girl was all vogueing and finger snapping and sock puppeteering and Goomba this and Goomba dat so fast and so close that the wind shear alone took another 2 years off Pia’s face.
Best moment of the whole argument though was the meter maid or tourist or whoever that was who poked her head around the side of the restaurant and couldn’t decide if she should take an iPhone picture or call up her boyfriend and put the whole show on speaker phone. Classic.
Needless to say, they got pretty much nowhere.
There were a few more restaurant tours before the big finale, when Nora finally met up with Pia to find out why she had hit her so hard at the party.
Before Pia had even inhaled to begin her first sentence, Nora went all DoodleSpaz on her and the whole thing collapsed on itself like an iParty bouncy tent with a hole in the side wall.
Needless to say, they didn’t get very far either before Nora poked out her Geico tongue and then bolted for the door.
Girlfriend does like to stir it up and then run before the pot overheats. Cussing and rambling to all her invisible friends, Nora made it to her car in one piece and hit the road.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, Renee and all her Rainbow Rings got in a limo and went off into the sunset with Starbucks. You can take the girl outta ChiTown, but I’m betting you can’t take the ChiTown outta the girl, so we’ll just have to wait and see how that all goes down next time.
Until then, Tony says be the best you can be and all your goals are attainable and within your reach. Focus is Power.
Oh…and Deanna says never wear white after Labor Day.
The End.
