Seriously. That is (bleeped) up. So (bleepin’ bleeped) up, Dude. (Bleep.)
To think I would go against my Dad is (bleeped) up. I can’t even wire the (bleepin’) DVR.
Don’t be Tardy for the (bleepin’) Party. Wha-? Wrong show? Seriously? (Bleep.)
(Bleep) off. Period.
This is a lot of (bleepin’) work for a spin-off. Seriously.
(Bleep.)
Nothing like somebody turning against their family and getting wired by the Feds to blow the dial right off the Cuss-o-Meter.
This week the Mob Wives were still feeling the after effects from Juniorgate 2012, and it wasn’t pretty.
As a recap for anyone without access to the internet, television, radio, the outside world or a CVS magazine rack, Junior Pagan recently got himself wired up like a home surround sound system and went all Federal Snitch against the Staten Island Mob.
In doing so, Junior managed to record enough static-free background noise to not only incriminate Renee’s own father, Anthony “TG” Graziano, but also blow apart his own family and guarantee that at least three VH1 executives all wet their pants as they giggled and high fived each other at the perfect ratings sweep timing of the arrest.
The fallout from the news had turned Staten Island into a (bleepin’) rumor mill, and whoever “they” are…well, they were all talking about it.
We picked right up where we left off last time, as my Restylane Reality Crush Big Ang flipped through the newspaper at that little boutique her sister either runs or works at or owns.
Big Ang was still stylin’ in her Jackie O Goes To The Jungle look as she pawed through the pages with those shiny black polyurethane Super Heroine gloves.
Do you think maybe she has a secret identity? How cool would that be?
Perhaps her newly announced spin-off show is going to be an action/adventure kind of thing where she battles crime like Batman?
Maybe you pull one of those stuffed monkey tails behind her Drunken Monkey bar and the back wall actually opens up and she has a gigantic Big Ang Cave down in the basement?
How much would you pay to see her slide down a Big Ang Pole? You know there is a seriously padded landing platform at the bottom of that ride.
But I digress.
As Big Ang tried to comprehend what the (bleep) just happened with Junior and Renee, we were treated to a little Junior video montage that is destined to be a viral youtube dance hit by the end of the week.
Trust me, if I had a clue how to open GarageBand I would be laying down tracks right now and you guys would have to settle for your own DVR instead of my wit, but I skipped that Genius Bar appointment so you’re in luck.
After the RatSnitch ReMix, we listened in on Karen’s phone conversation with her mom, Debbie.
Karen’s snitch-uation as I like to call it now, is similar to Renee’s…and yet somehow different.
When Karen’s dad, Sammy “The Bull” Gravano, flipped and cooperated with the Feds way back when, he at least had the common Mob courtesy to call a meeting in the Big House and let everyone know what was about to go down.
Let’s be real.
I barely know wedding present etiquette, much less gangstah graciousness, so trust me…I am not the authority on how to properly turn Federal Snitch. But I guess getting everyone together and dropping that bomb is better than a quick scribble on some 5th grade report paper like Renee found when she finally stopped hitting the snooze alarm that fateful morning.
Speaking of Renee…Drita dropped by to check up on her and let her know that despite all their previous disagreements she is still loyal to her old friend Renee.
This was the first time that the two of them have had a chance to really sit down and diss about Junior, and it was total junior high gossip festivus.
He did what? When? Shut up. No, you shut up. He did. When? Shut up. Renee, that is messed up. Shut up. And then lots of crying. You shut up. No, you shut up Infinity. Am I living a lie? Was I living a lie? Shut up.
That’s pretty much how it went down. I just took out all the cussing and made it more family friendly in case this ends up as a bedtime story for you West Coasters.
Then it time for RatSnitch ReMix Part 2.
Karen was recording the audio version of her new book, and was behind the mic at the studio to lay down some vocals, as they say in the biz.
Thanks to iPods and all that high tech gadgetry, audio books are a big deal nowadays and Karen was releasing the talkie version of Mob Daughter to coincide with the hardcover launch.
The way she explained it was that now when the Wise Guys are running from gunfire they can catch up on Gravano family history without the annoyance of having to hold the actual book. And on the other end of the spectrum, Rat Snitches can easily stick one wire down their shirt and another one in their ear, thereby killing two birds with one stone. It’s well documented that Snitches like to stay current with New York Times bestsellers just like the rest of us do.
Spoiler Alert: Pretending to be listening to audio books is also one of the best ways to score information for the DEA.
Or I might have just made up those last couple paragraphs in my head. The important thing is that Reading Is FUNdamental. Stay in school, kids.
This is also probably a good place to mention how much I love me some Mob Wives. Just to be safe. Because I do. I love me some Mob Wives.
As Karen read through various chapters, we were treated to yet another soon-to-be youtube dance classic, this time complete with those funky digital sound board lights.
If some 9 year old geek wad is not already auto tuning Chapter 11, I’m going to lose faith in the youth of today.
Seriously. I had to move my coffee table and roll up the carpet when they busted out Karen’s mix.
I’m Gravano and I know it.
Then it was time to put the gloves on and hurt somebody.
Drita had her final boxing workout with Personal “We’re going hahhhhd kore” Trainer Anthony, before heading to the gym to spar with an actual human being. As part of her born again focus on anger management, Drita hoped to unleash all her Mean Girl aggression on some boxing pads instead of Ramona’s face, and wanted to make certain that her inner Incredible Hulk wouldn’t surface during an upcoming match that Anthony had found for her.
Yeah. Drita was going to do a boxing match. With rules.
Between the last minute training in her backyard, and then losing control with the poor little Oriental guy who drew the short straw for her practice match, Drita realized that she should probably pull out of the event.
The biggest concerns about participating in the match were her kids, and the sudden realization that she might actually get hit in the face.
That, and the fact that Drita also fights like those high school girls with the blurred out faces you always see kicking a tiny kid for lunch money on the FOX5 News.
So it was best to just walk away with some dignity and all her teeth. The Jack-o-Lantern look is cute on Dance Moms and Toddlers & Tiaras, but not so much when you’re modeling hoochie bikinis wearing a flipper.
I love me some Drita, too. But she can have my lunch money. All of it. I’ll even mail it to her house. I’m not messing with that one. Ever. Just tell me where to send it. And don’t hurt me. I bruise easily, being so delicate and all. And I would totally cry.
Later, Big Ang got her Cher on and dropped by Renee’s house. Carla better watch out, because Big Ang could steal the Cher look-a-like crown right off her head.
Granted, Big Ang’s Cher was a little less Bob Mackie and a little more Pride Parade, but still. With her big Flintstone furry vest, dangly earrings and massive Cher hair, Big Ang could have passed for Sonny’s ex. Or maybe Sonny when he used to dress up as Cher.
Remember that show? When Chaz was Chazette? I Got You Babe. Good times.
But, again, I digress.
Soon as Big Ang left, Karen dropped by to help Renee pack up all of Junior’s stuff, in a cleansing/moving on with my life kind of ceremony.
It was also a pretty nice advertisement for the UPS Store. When your Man goes Federal Informant, Brown has all the supplies you need to get his s*** outta the house.
And he had a lot of s***, considering that he just moved back in three months ago.
I’ll give Renee props. She neatly folded everything and sealed it up like Junior was going off to Afghanistan.
If someone had boned me the way he boned her, that s*** would be flying out the bedroom window like it was Mardi Gras beads. You go, girl. Proud of you.
Now set it on fire in the backyard.
After two seasons, you know by now that nothing gets Staten Island people more excited than unsubstantiated gossip. And Junior’s saga was Gold.
As Drita, Carla and Big Ang treated themselves to a little Day Spa action, Renee and Junior were again the topic. Carla is losing her patience with Renee and all her drama, and there were conflicting reports from “the streets” as to whether Renee may have been in on the whole Junior being wired to spy thing.
I don’t know where these “streets” are that everyone in Staten Island always goes to for gossip, but I need to find them, asap. I just imagine a Land where everyone eats calzones and talks snarky smack talk until their heads explode.
I want to live there.
Carla felt that if the stilettos were on the other foot, Renee would have a completely different attitude about a whole bunch of things.
Over the years, Renee has sworn that nothing is lower than a Rat. But now that the infestation is in her own basement…hmmmphhh.
Carla thought Renee was a bipolar puppet. Drita thought that red nail polish looked the best on her own nails. Big Ang thought she was a little overdressed for such a warm salon. That’s about all we got out of that.
We finished off the episode with Renee and son AJ awkwardly discussing their situation, and a warm and fuzzy HomeGoods Christmas.
For real.
You know when you go to HomeGoods…or TJ Maxx…or Marshall’s…or whatever it’s called in your ‘hood…during the holidays, and all the country snowmen are piled on the tables right by the front door? All the snowmen that look like scarecrows in plaid vests? They’re always next to those wreaths that never fully fluff up when you take them out of the box? Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. You’re not that fancy.
Welcome to Carla’s house.
Newly released Joe dropped by to help finish up with the holiday traditions, which basically consisted of putting one last giant life-size snowman together and skeezing an invite to spend Christmas Eve on the couch. Like I’ve said before, he does love those kids and they get all googly when he comes around, so when his son asked if Daddy could stay over…well, you know.
Joe’s dimples can pretty much score him anything that he sets his mind to, almost as if they have super powers.
Hmmm. Do you think he is Big Ang’s sidekick in her new show?
After futzing with the snowman and attaching the head (…which was big enough to wear if you wanted to hold up a bank…just saying…) it was a HomeGoods holiday moment.
God bless us, everyone.
Except for Rat Snitches.
They (bleepin’) suck (bleeps.)
