I hate the period of time between going to bed and nodding off to sleep. We’ve never been compatible.
It gives me to much time to dwell on what I still have to do with my life, focus on the stuff I can’t do and of course relive the regret of previous ill thought through desicions. Of which there are many.
The regrets don’t happen all the time but just when you least expect it, your brain wakes up and wants a chat about your life.
These can range from small regrets like ‘you really should have been at that gig on Wednesday’ to far far bigger guilt ridden memories.
It’s these guilt ridden memories that are troubling me.
You see, it’s all to do with the loss of a friendship, that at some point I played a part in killing.
I met my then Best Friend, who shall remain nameless, at college in 2007, I was having a little trouble getting people to believe I wasn’t going to cry and he, was a late comer to the course. Our surnames both began with a W, so for a large proportion of the time we were sat next to each other in class.
After the first term, I developed a bit of a crush on my friend. He was the first male to ever like me for me and not be a friend out of charity or pity. He wasn’t gorgeous, but he was lovely, caring and interested in me.
As time passed, found that the crush I hoped would disappear was still there stronger than ever. People started to talk, there was nothing going on but gossiping was rife.
He had a long term girlfriend, a relationship that had more twisted dramas than a soap opera at Christmas. I’d sit, he’d complain and I would listen. One day after a dramatic argument, he told me he’d had enough and he was leaving. He was deleting her number, getting rid of the photos and telling her straight it was over.
A few weeks later, and me and my friend experienced our first argument. I can’t remember the cause, but he swore at me and stormed out leaving me in bits thinking we’d screwed it up.
He came round later that night to my house and I blurted out I was in love with him.
It was the beginning of the end right then and there.
He turned me down and said he loved me as a friend, nothing more. He said he’d be in my life forever and that nothing I could do would make him give up on our friendship.
For a while, my honesty brought us closer, we talked lots after that about deeper issues than I ever expected.
It was then that things got a little bit.. Complicated.
Things happened, late night texting sessions, the odd fumble and a near miss. For a while it looked like we were heading towards being a couple.
It never happened. It fizzled out and our friendship, I feel never recovered from my honesty.
The whole incident, brought nothing but years of heartache to my door and acting on my feelings was the worst thing possible, I’m not for a moment saying that the death of our friendship was purely my doing, but I may have pushed us to it.
The saddest thing about all of this, is that before any of it, he was my friend. I lost my friend because I let my heart rule everything.
We’ve lost touch now. It was for the best, I couldn’t get over him properly while he was in my life so I had to let go.
He lives round the corner with his Girlfriend and young daughter. Ironic, that we are so distant yet he lives so close.
I became friends with the best man in the world. Our friendship is solid and so happy, that in some ways, I’m glad I moved on.
I do though, deeply regret the way things have turned out I wish I could turn back the clock and show my 18 year old self the mess I made of a friendship with such potential.
I don’t miss the heartache I gained, but the companion I had.
