Methadone and Trip to Cork....

I don't think I mentioned it on MondayBut my methadone was reduced My doctor had been talking about it for weeksAnd he finally made a 2ml reduction this weekSo I am now on 28mlsAs you may know I am quite resistant to being weaned off the methadone And to be honestMore than putting up resistance I am petrified about itI've been on this drug for ten years I'm physically and mentally Totally and absolutely addicted to itMy doctor asked me why I don't want to come off itI couldn't really give him a reason Other than I am afraid I'm actually on more methadone now than I was last yearSummer 2014 I was down to 22mlAnd we could see an end point in sight Now the goalposts have been moved againAnd that is down to meAnd my fear of letting it go
It's also the structure of the methadone programmeGoing to the doctor every week keeps me on the straight and narrowAnd keeps me accountable I know if I use There will be consequences Then there is going to the chemist Collecting my Meds It's all an integral part of my lifeI would feel a bit lost without that structure Or maybe I wouldn't Maybe I would relish my new found freedomAnd get a new lease on life I don't know Because I'm too afraid to tryMore than coming off the methadoneI am afraid of relapsing The very thought chills my bonesI would rather stay on methadone for the rest of my life  That use for one more dayThat's how scary it is to me
In other news I'm going away for the weekend tomorrowMy Mum, my sister and I are heading to Cork to stay with my sisters partner for a couple of nights It's a marathon drive at six hours down to the south west of the countryBut we've been meaning to go for a while now So tomorrow is the day
I got a text last night From one of the ladies from AA I was delighted to get the text I guess I thought that people would just forget about meIt has really given me the push to go back to meetings So I am hoping to get to one next weekFingers crossed 
You might have noticed that I have not write a personal post this weekThat is mainly because I don't want to acknowledge what is happeningNeedless to sayIt's not good I feel like I am hanging on to recovery by my fingertips Every day it seems further and further away I'm not seeing Breda for another ten daysAnd I haven't yet contacted Mary As I keep hoping that things will improveI'm reluctant to write too much about it As then it makes it real
Anyway That's it from me Just a short one todayI'll try and post from CorkSee you on the next post....