Met Gala: More Fashion Analysis
I don’t know how it’s humanly possible that I missed celebrities when I was looking through images of the Met Gala last night, but apparently literally every famous person to walk the Earth in either California or New York were at this stupid fucking event. So I’m doing a fashion analysis of the ones I missed, partially because I want to, and partially because I’m avoiding yet another fucking deadline.
So, before I get started on a new celebrity, I’d like to talk a bit more about Kimmy K. I know the average eye she looked like a beluga whale wearing floral wallpaper, but the more I think about her dress, the more I like it. And trust me, I thought about it at lot.
A lot of people are crucifying — is she too large for that now? — Kimmy K for her outfit choices during her pregnant, but I admire that she is fucking trying new things. Sometimes she wears like an ordinary black dress that is very form flattering, and sometimes she wears like a turquoise sack dress. She’s looking at the runways, and she’s trying whatever she wants, no matter what people think. So fuck you people who say she’s fat; fuck you who those who say she has terrible taste; fuck you all, I love that my little (big) Kimmy K.
On a final note, you have to love that Kim Kardashian gets more paparazzi attention than all of the other celebrities combined, including Beyonce.
Ok, I think I’m done with that particular rant. On to the other celebrities — the only ones who went really punk were Sarah Jessica Parker and Madonna, those crazy bitches. Otherwise, the biggest nod to punk seemed to be either dipping your hair in pink — Diane Kruger, some other hos — or wearing big ear cuffs. A lot of these skinny bitches thought that punk meant wearing black or white, and they might be right, because I personally don’t really know what punk fashionistas dressed like. It was just kind of boring. It seemed to me that a sloppy lazy girl like Kristen Stewart could have really done it right with like a ripped t-shirt held together by safety pins, and instead went with a Stella McCartney pantsuit. Boring.
Without further ado, here are the looks I missed.
Just because you put a studded leather jacket on top of your ice skating outfit, Lily Collins, doesn’t make you a punkster. B+ effort for your eyes and blue streaks in your hair.
Lily Collins’ head looked sufficiently dirty, like it had just been dipped into the armpit of the ringleader of a mosh pit, and she was wearing enfant terrible (well former enfant terrible because now the bitch is like my mother’s age) Vivienne Westwood. So she probably got the punk thing right. I think she looks like she might punk someone in the face.
I saw Emily Blunt last night, and I was just like whatever, and didn’t feel the need to post her. She’s like the girl who was told to come to a costume party dressed as a fairy, and pussied out by just wearing pink eyeshadow and a funky ring. Boring.
January Jones’s make-up is so weird, she almost looks like Stella Tennant.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty into her shoes. ‘
Cara Delevigne dropped a bag of coke in front of the paparazzi in the middle of the afternoon on Monday, which I think makes her stupid. I used to think she was like crazy out there do whatever she wants naturally — my sister could be her without any street drugs — but nope, she’s just a coke whore. It just entirely detracts from her whole image of doing whatever the fuck she wants, and not caring about it. Coke is stupid, dirty and boring. Sorry if you do it, or whatever.
Doutzen Kroes is so beautiful, it’s impossible for her not to look good. It would have been cool if she whited out her eyes and fucked up her make-up a little — beautiful can get boring.
Look at this guy to the right of Diane Kruger. He’s like, “What the fuck are these people doing in my napping spot?” And then he saw Diane Kruger, and a light bulb went off. “Do you have a dollar to spare, I’m a US Vet who hasn’t worked in a week because I got laid off from my job I promise I don’t drink or do drugs I just need money to feed my family.”
And Diane Kruger couldn’t see him because she’s too tall.
Her dress is like, eh. I’m getting pretty sick of black and sheer panels.
Ashley Greene must not have been dressed by a designer, because this dress is like 2 seasons old Marchesa. I think it looks like a costume for an opera.
I admire that Alison Williams wore a sort of awesome Altazurra gown, but I am disappointed that she didn’t take the one opportunity to white out her eyebrows, which apparently is a punk thing to do, and show us her face.
Jessica Biel is a snooze. She is wearing a ring through her nose, which you can’t see. It’s like a very weak attempt at punk. She probably said to Justin Timberlake, “Honey, do you like my nose ring, isn’t it cute?”
And he couldn’t hear her because he was singing, “My suit, my suit, I’ll tape my balls to my leg so they look larger,” as he shuffled around the bathroom.
Julianne Moore wears this dress to almost every red carpet now — or rather, an iteration of it — so I’m not that interested. I think her bracelets must be pretty up close, but that is all.
Cameron Diaz, oh Cameron Diaz. You are getting older, Cameron Diaz.
Brooklyn Decker looks just like Amy Adams with her hair like that, am I wrong? I think this dress is fucking fantastic, as are the shoes, and I wish I could have the willpower to lose fifteen pounds and wear it to my next birthday party.
I bet Karen Elson looked like a goddess in real life.
I’m not a fan of suit jackets as dresses, but look at Elizabeth Banks’s shoes. Like, if my legs weren’t fat, I would covet those like it was my job.
I saw Hilary Rhoda last night, and while she looked gorgeous, she also sort of looked like she was going to the opening of a shoe store in Soho, not to a ball.
Like 70,000 girls already wore a version of this to the prom this year, Kylie Minogue, come on.
I’m pretty sure Rita Ora wears this outfit literally every time she hits a club in London — by the way, I’m still completely in the dark about what Rita Ora does — so I’m not impressed.
Zooey Deschanel looks COMICALLY bizarre in this like fucking seersucker Cape Cod society dress. I guess her face does need the bangs to set her apart.
If Emilia Clarke just every once in a while employed a steamer, her life would be at least 2% better.
Kate Bosworth confused punk with 70s disco, but her dress is amazing nonetheless. I am obsessed. I have a serious problem with Kate though, because she looks like almost painfully anorexic to me, and I really think it’s a bad message for girls.
I saw Emma Roberts last night, and again, thought too boring to post, but here she is now.
This bitch was on House. Normally, that would mean that I would be like, who is she, and not even post a picture. But her fucking fauxhawk is fucking awesome.
These next two dresses are all iterations of the same thing that we’ve been seeing a lot of, so I’ll just post them one in a row.
Black panel, black dress, skinny bitches.
This dress that Elettra Rossellini Wiedemann is wearing is Prabal Gurung, but it looks Dior. Whatever, I love it because it’s not more of the same.
And finally, Sofia Coppola wearing what I don’t even think can be considered faux pajamas. They’re just real pajamas.
Sofia: “Remember when I like made your career?”
Marc: “I know, it’s so weird, because you’ve worn the same baggy shit for so long that no one cares about you anymore.”
Sofia: “Polka dots make you look fat.”
Marc: “You couldn’t have found pajamas that at least were long enough?”
Sorry this wasn’t as interesting as it could have been. Hope you enjoyed flipping through these images as much as I did. Tell me your thoughts about your favorite looks!
