It has been a month since our daughter's weddingand I feel like I'm finally coming up for air.
Her wedding came out so wonderfuland was such a truly joyful eventbutit was still one of the harder things I have done in my life.Not in the work and moneybut the sheer emotional aspect.
I knew most likely there would be emotional ramificationsafter the fact especially since I put much of my life/ business on holdto be able to invest 110 % in the weddingnot wanting to miss a moment of the journey to the big day.
That and the whole idea of "giving our daughter away"was a tough one for my heart.
I thought I was doing so well after the wedding.I had been warned by many Mother of the Bridesto be wary of the "After".
I sailed on smoothly for the first week after.So happy to be back to "my life".I had a house to fluff and gardens to attend.So much had gone without attentionin the last months leading up to the wedding.
That first week I was sure I had returned from the wedding and relaunched successfully into "My Life".
But then things felt like they began to slipin what I look back and see'as a perfect emotional storm'.
The quietness in my house began to set in.Not only was our daughter married and onto her own new lifebut both of my boys have launched successfullyinto lives of their own.
The fact that Jeff and I were definitely and completely Empty Nestersset in like nobody's business.
Panic attacks began to set in.At first I would wake upwith a heart clenching panicseveral times a nightin almost agonyworrying about my kidsand at the same timerealizing they were truly 'gone'with lives of their own.After parenting for so longmy life felt so unnatural to my soul.
Then the panic attacksbegan to manifest while I was driving.They began as impending dreadthen full fledged fright.Freeways began to be far too much to navigate.
I have battled depression and anxiety most of my lifebut this had a frightening depththat scared me like no other.
I began to think I might be truly losing my mind.Being in the throes of menopauseonly added to the emotional abyss.
After a lifetime of battling anxiety and depressionI realized maybe I was in over my head this timeand decided to try an anxiety medication for the first time in my life.At first it seemed promisingbut after feeling progressively worseI realizedit wasn't a good match for my particular body chemistryat this time in my life.
But what I was reminded in the foray of trying medicationwas how absolutely important is one's mental health.Nothing like thinking you are truly losing your mindto be reminded of the supreme importance of ones own mental health.
I know I will continue to navigate my own personal roadwith peaks and valleysof anxiety and sometimes depression.
But I also know nowthat is one of the things that makes me, me.
I see it as having a different set point than some.But with that set pointcomes an abilityto see and feel thingsI might otherwise miss.As a creativeI realize I will take the good and the less thanthat makes me who I am.
I no longer want to hide my strugglesbecause I now know they are a part of who I am.
That doesn't make me less than.It just means my life path might be different than some.
I also know I have the personal strength to navigate the waters that are my life.
I will continue to be opento remedies that may help.
I will continue to invest in the very best qualitySelf CareI can manage.
But I will also give myself Graceduring this phase where I feel a bit'Unsteady'.
I am sharing this todayin the hopes it might help someone else know they are not alone.
I have felt almost mute here on my blogwithout the ability to be transparent with my emotional struggles of late.
Before the weddingI didn't want to talk about my strugglesas I was afraid it might lead to me becoming completely unraveled.
But now with the wedding behind meI know I can rise to the occasion when need be.And now not to speak of my struggles for good mental healthwould leave this spacejust one of pretty pictures.
Where to me the real story is the ability to find a beautiful lifein the midst of real life struggles.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joyas you style your life
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