May

Hello friends
I don't know how many of you still check my blogGod knows I haven't been the best bloggerThis blog celebrates five years on the last day of AprilAnd it was a chance to reflect on everything that has happened during those years In some ways it seems like one hundred years In other ways it feels like five minutesAs you know wellEating Disorders and addictions are all encompassing You eat, sleep and breathe itYou think about it Talk about it Write about it It's like having a full time job with no days offMy own ED is in quite a good place I don't restrict And although I haven't eradicated the purging completely It's a lot better than it wasIt's the exception rather than he ruleBut because an ED or addiction takes up so much time abd energyWhen you begin to let it goThere is a huge void left And it has to be filled with something healthy and positive if you want any chance of staying wellFor myself I tried many things to fill the voidMeds ReligionMeetings Shopping StuffBut the only thing that really works for me Is being with and working with animals Namely my dogs  Coco Horse riding And equine assisted therapyI visit Coco every morning with my dogs And I have developed such a lovely bond with himTwo weeks agoI got a head collar on him for the first time Which was a huge milestone And an indicator that he is starting to trust meNow I am teaching him to walk on a lead ropeAlso to pick up his feetAs he is seeing the farrier next weekIt's a work in progressBut I am loving every second of itCoco has gone from being a scared and lonely pony To a happy cheeky little man He is full of funAnd never fails to make me smile We think he has a little crush on LeaAs he loves her And follows her everywhere It's so lovely to watch them togetherBest buddies
In other newsI still go riding on a Tuesday and Wednesday And third week I did my first jump in canter!Which I just loved and can't wait to do some more I am loving riding at the moment And really feel like I am making progress which is a great feelingI also start work at the end of the monthI must admit I feel very anxious thinking about it And feel like running in the opposite direction I will take it one day at a time And see how I goThere is a possibility I could get work in a  stables for the summer months To be honest I would rather take that work I'll know next weekSo I'll make a decision then
What else?Body image continues to be a battle I am now a very healthy weightBut am still getting used to th curves and shapes Trying to dress my body to make the most of it It's not easy And sometimes I think about restricting But I figure it is just not worth it I would rather be healthy and happy Rather than skinny and miserable And now I realize that it's not just about meMy staying well has a ripple meffect to everyone around me Also I have two dogs and a pony that depend on meI need to be fit and well to look after them the best that I can So I just wanted to check back inAnd show you and let you know that there is life after EDs and addictionIf you are struggling If you are drowning If you feel like there is no hope for youI am here to tell you this there is hope There is absolutely hope I am walking talking proof of that If you have read my blogYou will know the shit story was my life I really thought I was a worthless piece of crapBut now I know that I am a good person And in my own little way I am making a difference Spreading a message of hope and recovery Living my life as an open book in the hope that my story will help someone And spare them some of the pain that I went throughFor meThe trick was finding something that captured my attention And gave me a reason to stay wellA reason to get up in the morningA raison d'etreBecause when you find something you are passionate about Something that warms your heart Stimulates your mind And feeds your soulThen that is worth living for That is worth staying well for 
I truly hope you are al doing okI think of you often I willl always think fondly of my little blogger family And I will neve forget you Please let me know if you are out there If you at reading Writing Let me know you exist 
Much love,
Ruby