M is for Meds

I've been very bold this week
I had got 8 days meds because this weekend is bank holiday in this country
But now it is Monday and I had none left
Because I was greedy during the week
Usually I lull myself in to a false sense of security
That I am clean and sober
That I am not injecting heroin any more
Therefore I am clean and sober and happy out
But am I really?
Yes I have stopped using illegal drugs
Yes, I am a lot more stable than I have ever been
But now I am on a cocktail of medication
And still very much dependent on methadone
Even though I am on a low dose
20mls
When I saw my doctor last week
He mentioned reducing the methadone again
I immediately balked
And asked if he could wait a week
He told me that he would be away next week
So we would have to wait two weeks to reduce it
I was happy about that
The thing about my meds
Is that they kind of keep me in a state where I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat
And me being me
I like that
I like that I can switch off at any given moment
That I can check off the planet when ever I like
Being someone that doesn't do well with reality
That suits me just fine
But is that sobriety?
I have my doubts
In fact I am quite sure that is not sobriety
I'm not saying that everyone on meds is the same as a using drug addict
Most definitely not
If someone needs to be on meds
For a medical reason
That is perfectly ok
But I am not entirely sure that I need to be on all the meds I am
For instance I am on the highest dose of two anti depressants
Who needs to be on two anti depressants?
Me apparently
I am on a high dose of anti anxiety meds
But my anxiety has improved greatly
So I really don't think that I need it anymore
I think the problem is that when my state improved
My meds weren't looked at
I guess it's just easier to leave things the way they are
I look forward to Monday's
Doctor day
Because I get a fresh batch of meds
A whole big bag of goodies
I look forward to Monday's the way I used to look forward to pay day when I was in active addiction
Money = drugs
Drugs = oblivion
Have I just moved from illegal addiction to legal addiction?
Is my doctor now my dealer?
Is my pharmacist now my distributor
I don't know
I just know that the whole thing seems shady to me
But that's because I have no meds today and I am thinking clearly
So what is my problem with reality?
Why do I want to sleep my life away?
Well maybe it's because the only reality I knew was disordered eating
Maybe I need to give reality a chance now that I am feeling better
I know I get bored very easily
And I need a lot of stimulation
Maybe I need to get an iphone, he he
My sister is constantly on hers
Maybe that would solve my problems
But seriously
What do I do when the day comes that I am taken off my meds?
Do I stamp my feet like a toddler
And say 'No, you can't make me'
Do I confess that I use my meds to escape reality
That would not help matters me thinks
The lovely Bella left a comment that she thinks professional input is essential right now
And I am beginning to think that she is right
The only professional I am seeing right now is my doctor
And usually we talk about anything and everything outside of me
I miss Mary
I miss the way she was so rational and logical
And made so much sense
I guess it's in my hands
I need to help myself
Before the s**t hits the fan