I would say that I have the mental age of about 16Right when I started using drugs heavilyI feel like a teenagerAll moody and hormones flying all over the placeI can be very immature tooI haven't really gone through all the mile stones and rites of passage that young adults doI haven't been to college or universityI haven't traveled muchI haven't developed as my own personI guess I don't know myself very well
I don't know what my opinions and views areFor a long time I just agreed with who ever I was withI just wanted so desperately to fit in and belongTo be likedSo that meant liking what you likedDressing the way you dressAgreeing with what ever you saidI remember when I moved to DublinI wanted to be accepted so much that I acquired a Dublin accent
It is only now at the age of 32 that I am starting to get to know myselfIt is only now that I realize that I don't have to be liked by everyoneI don't have to please everyoneIt's ok to have my own views and opinionsAnd just because we don't agree doesn't mean that we can't get alongIt's healthy to disagree and have opposing views
I guess I was a people pleaserI think this stems from being bullied as a childI lived in a small townAnd my parents were both teachers in schools in the townBecause of this I was a target for bulliesMy mother taught in school that was considered quite roughI got a really hard time from some of the students from that schoolIt wasn't really seriousGeneral teasing and slaggingBut it made my life a miseryIt seems that I have been bullied in one way or another my whole lifeSo I came to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with meI set to make sure that everyone would like meI wanted to be the perfect personBut of course that is impossible
Because of the bullyingI started profiling peopleAnd putting them in categoriesPeople I felt comfortable enough around to be myselfPeople I felt intimidated byPeople who I wanted to like mePeople I admiredPeople who I scared meI still do this automaticallyBut not as much as I used to
For the longest time not being liked was the worst thing that I could think ofIf someone didn't like meI took it incredibly personallyAnd analysed the situation to deathIt's only now that I am learning and accepting that it's ok not to be liked by everyoneIn fact it's impossible to be liked by everyoneAnd that's okI am okI am enoughJust the way I amThat is massive for me to realiseThat I don't have to try and impress people in order for them to like meI don't have to lie to make myself more interestingI don't have to people pleaseI just have to be meIf you like meThat's greatIf you don'tThat's ok too
I am only just getting to know myselfI have a lot of work to doA lot of growing up to doI guess I live quite a sheltered and protected lifeMy Mother said to me yesterday that I need to toughen up a bitAnd not to beat myself up so muchI am a big softieAlthough I do have an inner bitch that I unleash now and againUsually at the most inappropriate timeSometimes I wonder if I let people take advantage of meAnd use meBecause I don't speak up for myself enoughI put my own needs last
In real life I am quite shyI only really open up if I know you wellTake my sister for instanceWe get on really wellAnd laugh all the timeI can be my crazy bat shit self around herAnd she doesn't bat an eyelidBut generally I hold back around peopleAnd suppress my personality a lotBecause I want to likedI want to fit inI would so love to be able to be myself moreThe reason I love writing and blogging so muchIs that I would much rather write than speakWith writing I can get my words out at my own paceI can think about what I want to sayAnd choose my words carefullyI feel much more able to express myself with writingIn real life I have a very quiet voiceAnd can be not heard or overlookedThat doesn't happen with writing
I guess this is all part of lifeAnd recoveryI live and learnI make mistakesAnd experience setbacksAnd that's okIt's all part of itIt's ok to mess upIt's ok to try and failIt's ok to make mistakesThe trick is to learn from themI happen to be someone that has made a lot of mistakes in lifeBut then I am the type of person who has to learn the hard wayYou can't tell meI have to experience it for myself
For a long time I believed that I was a bad personAnd I still do to a certain extentIt seems that I store up all the bad things that I have done in my lifeAnd file them under 'Ruby is a bad person' in the back of my headI pull it out regularly and give myself a good beatingI'm still not sure if I am a good person or notI know that I want to be a good personI want to do the right thingMake good choicesAnd lead a good lifeBut no body is perfectI am not perfectAnd I have to accept thatLife will throw me curve ballsIt will deal me some dodgy cardsI will mess upI will do and say the wrong thing sometimesAnd that's okIt's ok
I'm not sure if this post made a lot of senseBut I needed to write this todayI need to know that I am okThat everything is exactly as it should beI am doing the best I canConsidering what I have been through in lifeI am not doing too badlyNot too shabby at all
