Life as We Know It

It was last May when I began to get my life togetherI had just started new medsMy depression finally liftedMy anxiety lessened considerablyAnd life as I know it began to improveSometimes it feels like it happened in spite of meLike it happened to meAnd I had nothing to do with itBut I made the changes So I know I had at least some part in itSince last May  A lot has happened I've regained wright to a healthy BMII went on a holidayWhich was harder than you might thinkI gave up smokingWhich for me was massiveAnd I still think that could go belly up at any timeI don't take it for granted that I am out of the woodsEveryday I fight the urge to light up a smokeIt hasn't been easy
So yesMy life has changed a lot in the last few monthsEd wiseThat has improved tooI've gone from purging 10-20 times a dayTo 2-5 times a dayMy day used to revolve around eating and purgingI had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroomIt was relentlessA living hellI was stealing food from shopsFinancially I couldn't keep up with the amount of food I was eatingI was consumed with guilt and shameMy relationship with my family was strainedI couldn't stopMy health was failingI was falling apartAnd I hated myselfI felt like such a failureSuch a waste of spaceSuch a burden to my familyAnd yet I couldn't stopEven my dog was stressed to the maxAnd hey fur was falling outThankfully when I began to recover So did she
Even though things have drastically improved for me and my familyEverything is not perfectI struggle to keep my food downI struggle to eat proper mealsMy self esteem changes from one day to the nextMy body image is questionableI battle guilt and shameI mourn for the life I could have hadBut I am gratefulGrateful to have made it to the age of 33 relatively unscathedAs my mother always saysGiven what this family had been throughWe are not doing too badlyI whole heartedly agree
Sometimes it seems that when I get one problem under controlAnother pops upI've struggled to stop weighing myselfAnd it's a constant battle to take my meds correctlyBut I do consider myself to be in recoveryAs I do want a better lifeI do want to grow and learn and thriveAmazing things have happened in the last few monthsI feel stable and ableStronger and more capable than I've frly in a long timeI've even had a bit of boy dramaWhich has been a lot of funI think recovery is about constantly moving forwardGranted it may sometimes be one step forward and two steps backBut the important thing is to keep goingTo keep putting one foot in front of the otherTo get out of bed every morningAnd live life the best way I know howTo keep doing the next right thingTo pick ourselves up after we fallTo fightFor our sanityOur peace of mindAnd for our lives To never give up
When I was really sick I had been that way for so longI had forgotten what it felt like to feel goodI was so numbAn empty shellThe only things I felt were self hatred and guilt and shameI wanted to disappearI couldn't see the point of lifeThe point of my lifeI spent most of my time runningFrom myselfFrom othersFrom life I just didn't see the point of meIn my eyes I was a waste of spaceA parasite Over the last few monthsI've seen a glimpse of what my life could be likeHow it's possible to feel goodTo feel hopefulAnd positiveTo look forward to thingsTo enjoy the company of othersTo feel comfortable in my own skinTo loveAnd to feel lovedTo feel worthyTo wake up in the morningAnd not dread the day aheadTo look in the mirrorAnd not hate what I seeTo make friends To laughTo feel To not feel afraid of lifeTo talk to strangers To smile To be able to accept a complimentTo feel alive 
This is all wonderfulBut there is a part of meQuite a big part of meThat is absolutely terrifiedScared witlessFrightened beyond beliefOf lifeLife without my EDLife without my addictionLiving life on life's termsTo an extentI still very much hideAnd my life is very limitedI wake up early every morningHave my teaI blogI walk my dogsI might see a friendI might go shoppingI might do something with my sisterBut apart from thatI don't do a whole lotI don't workI don't studyI don't go to meetingsEven though I know it would be good for meWhy?Because I am afraidAfraid of failing Afraid that peor won't like meOr 'get' meAfraid I'll do or say something silly Or that anxiety will prevent me from speaking at allBut the thing isI want to do all these thingsI want to go to meetingsI want to see friendsI want to dateI want to learn or studyI want to put myself out thereI'm just having a lot of trouble getting past my fear
Strangely I seem to be able to manage bigger tasksLike giving up smokingIt's the little things that get meLike meeting a friendOr starting a courseThese things seem impossible to meDo I hide I hide in my houseI watch tv do I don't have to listen to my own negative and intrusive thoughtsI pretend that there isn't a whole big world out thereI cancel meeting friends because I can't get out the front door
I guess it is a confidence thingI don't have a lot of self confidence Or belief in myself In factI have noneNone at all
But I think thisWhat I am going through Is fairly normal for someone trying to recoverI've been out of real life for a long timeIt's going to be an adjustment getting back in to things
Even though it is so very scaryI will keep goingI will keep fighting for a better lifeWhat is the alternativ?
I was wondering about you Do you ever feel like this?Afraid and overwhelmedScared and stuck?Am I the only one?