I refer to him as I do, because I myself have been the recipient of a Fatted Calf. That story is for another day, but the point is, I know a little something about redemption.
In the dictionary the word redeem has several definitions, but most of them begin with the words "to free from...". Redemption to me is a process. Freeing one's self from addiction, for example, is a form of redemption. Freeing one's self from guilt, self hatred, or more generically, from one's past, is a form of redemption. My personal path of redemption includes my decision to spend as much of my time as possible engaged in laughter.
I have found that the more I laugh, the stronger I get. I can listen to him refer to some previous questionable activity without being overcome with waves of guilt. I am filled with joy at his determination, and allow myself not to think about how difficult this must be for him. A woman whom I consider wise once told me that a little denial is okay. In other words, it's not necessary for me to know all the details to be joyful and proud of the path upon which he is working so hard to stay.
What I love the most about these conversations is the fact of them. A couple of years ago, Older Son and I had lunch once or twice, and found that we enjoyed each other's company. So we decided to make it a regular thing. We've been meeting about once a month since then. We just chat about whatever, and not surprisingly, I have found that I really like the man that he has become.
Last week, I called my daughter and invited her to breakfast. It was lovely to share a meal, an hour, simply because we enjoy each other's company. Talk and laughter. What could be better?
I like my children. I like the men and woman they have become. As we talk, and laugh together, I am free from concern over whether or not I was a "good mother". I am filled with joy. I am redeemed.
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